Kevin O'Bryan

Tag: positive self talk

  • Why I’ve added this new tool to my self-care kit

    Why I’ve added this new tool to my self-care kit

    Adulting isn’t easy and it seems that for some of us, the older we get the more the challenges might grow or they may just become more complicated.

    I’m no different and it has taken becoming a grown man for me to begin to get a grip of my mental health. I have tried to be very proactive when it comes to my overall ‘health’ in terms of getting the annual check-up, running the tests when necessary and even doing exercise.

    However, the mental health part has always been left to sort itself out or hopefully get resolved when I relaxed. But the maintenance and the check-in as opposed to ‘check-up’ never really happened because, how exactly is that done anyway?

    And while having deep and meaningful conversations with loved ones can be helpful, and for sure, helps to release some built up pressure, ultimately, it’s not usually enough. Why? Because, sometimes, those who know us, bring their own biases, misconceptions and own perception of you to the table and therefore may not be able to truly ‘see you’ in a moment.

    There is also the weariness of managing other people’s emotion around your own issue that can itself become a burden. In fact, it’s tiring sometimes just having certain conversations and disclosing some things, so why bother?

    tool

    The Silence

    The other part of adulting that coalesces with mental health is the silence of it all. Yes, you can have friends and a million things to take up your time, but eventually, you are left with the silence and in those moments you have to deal with the real stuff – the bills, the plans, the future, the outcomes the expectations, etc.

    Nobody else can address that silence but you and honestly, it can be an extremely isolating place. Imagine, dealing with the turmoil of your burgeoning adulthood, observing everyone else handling their own ‘growth’ but there you are with your own silence trying to figure out the reality that is the rest of your life?

    Better description: imagine screaming at the top of your lungs and knocking on a glass door looking out at the world go by, hoping that someone sees or hears or even notices, only to realize that they can’t see you and you still have to be present, while screaming in silence, still…

    A Solution

    Thankfully there’s therapy, which to me is a form of maintenance that I wish we could all access easily. Unfortunately, aside from some the negative perceptions around mental health care and even therapy, the cost for access, can be prohibitive to most.

    I’ve decided to add therapy to my health maintenance schedule and I begin soon. I am looking forward to what the experience will be like and also the tools I’ll hopefully receive to address my silence and the turmoil, because a LOT is unfolding.

     

    There’s always a lot of talk about self-care but I’ve come to learn that it means different things to different people and for me therapy is the ultimate upkeep and self-care activity.

    I don’t have to be in crisis to check-in, I just need to get a sense of where I am and where I will be going. Also the potential of getting centred and focused on the various issues I am navigating provide some amount of comfort that I appreciate.

    I am hopeful.

    As always…

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Why People who fail are super Heroes!

    Why People who fail are super Heroes!

    We are taught to hate and fear FAILURE. It is so ingrained in our psyche to a certain degree that often times our futures and destiny are tied to our performance in major exams and other tests of skill. Just don’t fail!

    I remember the pressure placed on me when I sat the common entrance in primary school, not quite as dramatic as what followed for the next generation that sat the GSAT exam but its results were pivotal enough. This catalytic examination would help to determine if the first decade of my parent’s efforts to raise and educate me was a bust or in the event that I passed, augured well for my future.

    Sadly, on the day those results became public, many students had red eyes, weary from crying because they either didn’t hear their names announced or they were sent to schools which were considered an equivalent to failure.

    So entrenched is our ideas around failure and the avoidance of it, that the announcement of any list touting which high school in Jamaica is ‘the best’ can cause a melt down across social media, as was recently the case when this report  by the Jamaica Education Transformation Commission was released.

    Any association with it in our society and even across different cultures, basically assigns you a Scarlett letter that tells the world that you are to be avoided and rejected.

    The Results

    This rejection of failure, though noble has had some unintended consequences for an entire generation of people, some of whom have mastered the idea that they must go through life celebrating (rightfully so their wins) and behave as if they have never failed. Or worse still, act as if failure is impossible, making them infallible.

    These people are our relatives, our lovers, our co-workers, bosses and cut across every possible line of individual you interact with on a daily basis.

    I have had a difficult time dealing with colleagues who because of their rejection of the possibility that their ideas can fail or have failed, absolutely refuse to accept feedback in a meaningful and constructive way. Then there are others so gun-shy about appearing to, or actually failing, they rather cycle through ideas and concepts without doing something because they are looking for the big hit, sans failures.

    It is an impossible race to a bottomless pit dealing with individuals like this who think that failure defines them forever or worse yet, that they are perfect and beyond failure.

    Failure is an option

    We don’t usually set out to fail when we start something new or with any endeavour we undertake. Reality is, failure can cost us a lot, both in tangible and even intangible ways that over time can take a toll.

    But what if we flip the script maybe, failure should be one of the options that we pre-bake into our endeavours to sign post our journey; that jolt of reality to both re-direct and re-energise us on our journey to success.

    The famous line from Game of Thrones comes to mind: “Chaos is a Ladder” and for many of us Failure is the ladder because it often pushes beyond wherever we were, to usually better circumstances or new horizons.

    There are a number of reasons why I consider failure essential to eventual success and simply a crucial part of life, that try as we might, shouldn’t be feared.

    Failure signifies movement

    Anyone who is failing at something is also actively attempting to accomplish something and hopefully they will fail, learn, try again, maybe fail again and start over or have success based on what they have learned and applied.

    Failure is never the end

    Failures are deeply personal however they can serve such a powerful purpose for others. The cautionary tale has done so much for persons who while never experiencing them, have been able to make better decisions from the misadventures of others. Failing at something is never wasted, even if you are not the one to benefit from it.

    Your failure is as great as its inverse success

    I always take comfort in knowing that as bad as a moment of failure or rejection is, the opposite will be just as overwhelming but without the dread.

    Failure is part of the progress

    I say ‘the progress’ because there is no rule that states to have progress you must fail, though it could be argued. However within any effort that seeks to gain a state of perfection, there will be a bar of failure that must be overcome. The feeling of never being ‘just right’ has to be satisfied. Working through that feeling, toward the eventual goal will therefore encounter and overcome failures.

    fail

    Final word

    It has taken me years to work through and overcome the hold that failure has had on my psyche. Not the failure itself but the dread, embarrassment and feeling of uselessness. But interestingly enough, it was a big failure that taught me how to work through and overcome the helplessness.

    In the valley of a major failing, where my life appeared to lay in ruins before me, and I was overcome with regret and shame, I was able to begin the rebuilding process. With determination and the new found realization that I was on the other side of my worst fear, nothing could stop me.

    I entered the next phase of my life with a renewed sense of purpose and achieved my greatest success, up to that point, even surprising myself. To do that, I had to do things I had never done before and take on new habits and prove to myself that I could do it.

    Of course, other failures happened in my life, but for the most part I could sometimes predict them based on my own self-limiting behaviour. I never gave up though, and you shouldn’t either.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

    Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

     

    Lesson learned

    One of the biggest lessons I learned coming out of this past year was the importance of not watering dead plants. I mean this both literally and figuratively, as for a bit, I spent time nurturing plants that simply would not grow (black thumb gardeners can relate).

    But to the point, the lesson symbolizes so many things that I pushed energy into that were not feeding my soul in 2021.

    Namely, there were alleged friendships and connections that simply were not viable, goals that I just didn’t have the heart to go after, thought processes that held me back and comfort zones that were held in place by fear which served no purpose.

    Those Relationships

    Sometimes you mean well when it comes to certain people in your life? And even though they show you time and time again that they do not hold you in equal regard, you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt?

    I have done that, for a while.

    With the toll the pandemic has taken, you get a bit more sensitive to things that make you feel less than and compromised. So if someone is not showing up in your life, it becomes noticeable real quick.

    Funny thing also is that even relationships and connections that have been around for a long time tend to show wear and tear with neglect and unreciprocated care.

    I haven’t beaten myself up about it, it isn’t a failure just an acknowledgement that those connections are not ‘real’ and that we are not in sync.

    And honestly, I am tired.

    Message and lesson received.

    Dem Goals

    There were goals placed on the table well before their time and I held on to a few for longer than I should’ve. Even worse, when I realized they were not going to be realized, I lamented the failing and stressed over it.

    For example, I had set some admirable goals in terms of this blog and even reading, as well as others related to certain areas of my life.

    So many neat things that I could’ve worked on and get done and in the big mix of a year that was filled with other ‘stuff’, they just didn’t happen.

    But delayed doesn’t mean discarded and even in the midst of upheaval that caused shifts in some areas of my life, I still held on to the idea of achieving certain things.

    I just have to know when to say: “Maybe next time!”

    Breaking Chains

    If I thought I was assertive before, this past year taught me that there are levels to standing up for yourself and you will only experience some of these levels when you let go of the fears of propriety and ‘manners’ and just be bold!

    Closed mouths don’t get fed and neither are they able to defend you or vocalize what ails you if you remain silent.

    Developing the gumption to truly say “this is not for me” and letting go of the fear of repercussions has truly changed my outlook and approach to life.

    lesson

    The Truth

    What I have instead come to terms with is something that I recognized about myself as I pondered on 2021.

    I am not a failure.

    In fact I achieved a number of things I had previously only tentatively considered and I executed these things exactly as I hoped. And all it took was looking back at the year and the areas of my life that I gave focus, to realize.

    They were all things that I nurtured and paid attention to, which lets me understand that any goal that I bring to fruition will require my full attention. It will not become reality simply by being on a wishlist.

    The true lesson is, what you nurture is what grows. So moving into 2022, I’m going to be focusing heavily on the wins I actually want to accomplish.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Are you ever enough?

    Are you ever enough?

    I am fond of the phrase “I am enough.” because it represents a powerful statement of intent and acceptance. That simple phrase lets me know that whatever journey I am on and whatever goals I am working towards, where I stand in THIS moment is right where I need to be and all that I am is enough.

    It’s funny how the world forces us to enrich our souls with these mantras because life has a way of literally picking away at our confidence and belief in self. Just look at it, our salaries and job titles can give us some insight into where we think we are in life. Our possessions apparently should clue us in to our ‘progress’ and our relationships should say something about who we are as people.

    But when is any of that enough or just right? Is it ever perfect?

    I have come to the conclusion that perfect is what you have chosen to live with and also, what may make you happy, in that exact moment. But I’ve also come to realize that perfect, or at least, what any of us may consider perfect is evolving and changes with our perspectives.

    enough

    Reflection

    Recently, while completing appraisals for my team at work, I came upon a very common point of information that I shared with a few people. It is this: the metrics used for the appraisal, are not meant to define who we are, forever and ever. In fact, as most appraisals are a retrospective, look back, metrics only measure who you were over a period of time. Therefore they can change and will continue to change as we learn more and grow.

    It’s always tempting to use the yard sticks provided to us by jobs or resumes or any process that requires us to self-reflect, to determine who we are, in a very definitive way.  When really, all they ever do is check our temperature, in the moment and provide insight into where we are at that point. They do little to determine our future outcome and in reality, they shouldn’t.

    When it Matters

    In my most vulnerable moments I will ask myself  “have I done enough?” and invariably the answer will be a resounding ‘not quite!’.  That pressure is compounded by the weight of other people’s expectations and assumptions of who and where you should be, at a particular time and stage in your life.

    I’m at that juncture where people now have those expectations, but looking back, I realize that it was always that way. We call it different things: ambition, aspiration, dreams, encouragement. But you come to realize that those ambitions don’t seem to end with a singular accomplishment, or new phase of life. Basically, what is considered enough by everyone outside of your self is a moving target and it’s always about what’s next.

    By following this ‘dictate’, sometimes I can’t seem to reside in an accomplishment or new phase, because, even within a moment of exuberance, it’s just never enough. Yet I know now, more than ever the value of enjoying and living within those moments of accomplishments.

    enough

    Slippery Slope

    The temporary and transient nature of satiety, at least, relating to that feeling of what I will call ‘enoughness’ is so fickle. It can last as long as it takes for an order from amazon.com to land on your doorstep and the euphoria you felt discovering it wanes immediately after the unboxing.

    What drives us to acquire is sometimes summing ourselves up and deciding that maybe that one item will make it complete, or better. Maybe after this purchase, I will be enough, even for a short period. Like most drug induced highs, it simply doesn’t last and can never be recaptured, no matter how hard we may try.

    The best we can do therefore is to walk in the knowledge that even if we aren’t quite right, we are exactly what we need to be, right now. And until the perfect equilibrium moment arrives, hold on.

    I’m holding on.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    In the continued spirit of refresh and declutter, I continue this series with a note to self on how to free up my mental and emotional space from thoughts that otherwise bog me down. Consider this the mental declutter for the year ahead.

    via GIPHY

    Nothing like committing to ‘New Year, New Me’, then end up getting trapped by your old mindset and lethargy.

    You know, the old habits, pathologies and fears that challenge our basic ability to change our circumstances, year after year. The thing is, most of these obstacles are within our control but as soon as the new car smell of the ‘new year’ wears off every dream and aspiration gets shunted.

    I have learned a thing or two about making new year plans and goals doable and one of the most potent was a lesson from 2020, which was to start early!

    Whatever you intend to do, actively start working towards it as soon as the new year has begun, when the motivation is ripe. And if 2020 is anything to go by, you never know what could happen after the first 3 months of the year.

    I cannot stress enough that the insights I am about to share are a ‘note to self’ as the reset in my thinking and attitude is an ongoing process for which I have to continuously recommit.

    For this year, I aim to be even more intentional about safeguarding my mental wellbeing and I hope that reaffirming these mantras/actions will keep that commitment in check.

     

    Embrace Rejection

    It’s ironic that I’m choosing to ‘embrace rejection’ even as the nature of it is the complete opposite but my thinking around this has been framed by my experience with being rejected in multiple ways and also overcoming that.

    via GIPHY

    Of course I hate rejection, in all its forms, from the subtle erasure you may experience when you realize that you are not ‘that friend’ to someone you are close to or the hurt associated with not getting something that I wanted.

    But what has been a salve in dealing with rejection is accepting and understanding that it is not failure, even if the sum total appears that way. Instead, I genuinely see rejection as redirection and I refuse to see it otherwise. Owning my destiny means that the ultimate result of any situation that does not appear to work in my favour initially, will, eventually.

    Rejection is number one on this list because the way it happens in our lives is so diverse and multifaceted and when it does, it can cause much consternation and confusion.

    I keep reminding myself: I am not for everyone and everything is not for me. Redirection allows me to find my way and my tribe.

     

    I’m not the ‘Good Guy’

    One of the greatest life lessons I came to terms with in my life in 2020 was the fact that I am a villain in someone’s story.

    I am ok with that.

    It was funny to discover that in one instance there was a whole storyline which clearly set me up as the evil, bad guy with all my nuanced and idiosyncratic characteristics, neatly checked off. On paper I was the bad guy and to anyone listening (without clarification, not to mention all the embellishment and fabrication) I was the perfect Disney antagonist.

    via GIPHY

    However I was aware of my intent as well as everything that ordered my actions within the context of those retellings and most importantly, my conscience was free and clear.

    Accept and Move On

    I no longer worry about the fact that people think of me in one way or another because at the end of the day, I can only do me and where I make a mistake or foul up, I simply aim to do better another day.

    It can be a rude awakening when you realize that there are people who think of you as ‘toxic’. Well, it’s time to get over yourself, own that toxicity and keep on living anyway. It can be an indictment against ourselves when we walk around always believing that we are the ‘Good Guy’.

    It’s damaging, because while in your heart and actions you are a good person, telling yourself that and choosing to disbelieve that someone can consider you otherwise, can immediately make you a victim of circumstance. In fact if statements like “But I didn’t do anything to that person” or “I don’t trouble people” become part of your reaction to malice or bad actions against you then you should do a self-check.

    We have no control over how people perceive us beyond the superficial and regardless of how you present yourself to the world there will always certainly be differing viewpoints about who you ‘really are’. People have opinions and sometimes ‘they feel away’ about you the moment you walk into a room. Don’t let that stop you from being great!

     

    Just Do it anyway

    There is so much going on and when the going gets tough, it’s sometimes easy to account for all of those other things and just throw your hands up in defeat. But my new attitude will be “Do it Anyway!”

    Whether in fear or full of nerves, whatever we want to accomplish, will be on the other side of that trepidation. Some of the most fulfilling experiences and outcomes I’ve had in my life have been as a result of me just deciding to do it anyway.

    This is the attitude I have when it comes to work and getting projects completed therefore I’ve decided to adopt this principle, with as much seriousness when it comes to my own pursuits.

    Can’t count how many times I’ve set goals and every possible reason comes up why I could never accomplish it and then, the time goes by without anything to show.

    Every time I express my thoughts in one of these blogs there is that question of whether it is good enough or if it will add value. I’m not always sure of the answer to either of those questions but I press publish anyway because I rather have it published than wonder about what could have been.

    Final Word

    I am doing the best I can, as are all of us. I am figuring it out, planning, writing it down and charting my course.

    Share with me some of things you plan to clear up.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Taking Care of What Matters

    Taking Care of What Matters

    It’s taken me a while to write this blog. Since my last post in March of this year, I have drafted several others, which I never got around to publishing. The timing has just never felt right based on everything that was happening.

    And though I know that COVID and everything that the pandemic has wrought is a completely valid excuse, I’m also keeping myself accountable where it matters.

    Early on I realized that there was an underlying and unspoken anxiety that accompanied this pandemic and affected most of us, regardless of whether we actually contracted the virus or not.

    It was just the tension around all the uncertainty that the pandemic brought with it and especially the upheaval it’s caused to the lives of so many people. Being expected to function, like normal and perform at the highest level at work and in life, is not as easy as it seems.

    Awakening

    My own eye opener came just about 7 months after the beginning of this whole thing, when I started to feel generally unwell. No, I hadn’t contracted COVID but all that pent up anxiety and the lethargy it set off within me, finally caught up.

    self care

    For some people, they have been coping by exercise and generally making an effort to be more active. That however, has not been my coping strategy and instead I simply threw myself into work and tried to be as occupied as possible.

    While I remained aware of the underlying anxiety, I never fully owned up to the ripple effects it was causing in other areas of my life which mushroomed over time.

    So when I finally decided to visit my doctor and I received a blood pressure reading that was too high for comfort, I knew that something had to give. The visit also forced me to acknowledge that I had not been sleeping as well as I should. The result of all this was a cascade of small maladies that pretty much meant that I was doing myself a disservice, the opposite of self-care.

    Getting There

    I’m already taking corrective measures which includes taking proactive steps to get better quality sleep, I’ve altered my eating habits, started an exercise routine in the gym and I now make deliberate efforts to actually relax more.

    That said, I have also started to take stock of some of the other aspects of my life that I can control. There are a few things that I have become much more intolerant of during this time.

    Protecting my Peace

    Now more than ever I am fully invested in protecting my peace from people, places, emotions and things that could possibly heighten my stress levels or otherwise make me uncomfortable.

    I’m a bit more sensitive to people in my life who selfishly try to fill my well with their issues while never considering or even seeking to find out about the load I may be carrying. I am a limited resource and therefore, I will not allow others to use me up.

    Self-care is as much about eating well and relaxing as it is about ensuring that the energy that I surround myself with is just right.

    Reading has always been escapism for me, but now even more so because my mind seems to always be ON. Slowly plodding my way through books has been a respite and though sometimes television time steals some of that time, I’m recalibrating the balance needed.

    Patience all around

    Probably the greatest lesson I’ve absorbed this year, is the importance and value of being patient and gentle with myself, more tolerant even. With the world just doing its best to survive in this very weird and troubling time, it does not work in my favour to torture myself about my perceived shortcomings.

    self care

    I did a few online courses and they were helpful but this idea that I needed to use this moment to become something else, betrayed the fact that just by doing my job and so much more, during a difficult time, is in itself an accomplishment.

    I’m happy to be on the mend but the important thing about this shift is that it feels like it’s the big one that I will actually stick with.

    Pray me up.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Wake up and Live! – How I’m living in 2020

    Wake up and Live! – How I’m living in 2020

    Wake Up!

    I woke up one morning and it was the end of 2019 and for the first time in years, I chose not to ring in the new year at a party or event. Instead, I went to bed for a change.

    The year of clear (er) vision, 2020, has been an interesting one so far. I fully counted January as December 2.0 because for me, it was an opportunity to tie up loose ends of the year past. It was in that process that I was able to set some clear goals for the rest of the year and immediately start acting on them.

    I also spent some time looking at the goals I had set for myself in 2019 and for a quick second I was caught up in the idea of how I failed at accomplishing some of those only to realize that on the other side of failure is an opportunity for growth.

    For example, I didn’t complete my must read list of books from last year – boo hoo – but I did make an admirable dent in it. It also seemed that for every deliberate thing that I had set out to do and not fully accomplish, I was able to focus on something else and begin working on that, such as finally opening that stock market account.

    It can be testing telling yourself every day that – ‘I am enough’ – when the world constantly questions that.

    Am I really?

    For real?

    Are you ok?

    And that’s why sometimes I have to sit and really ask myself “Are you ok?”

    That self check-in has given me space to come to terms with how I am really feeling because if it’s one thing I know, not many people are genuinely asking me if I’m ok. For those that do, it is usually heartfelt and a real question, which I appreciate.

    In the new year, I’ve set new goals and I am extremely excited about the challenges and plans I have in store. Specifically, all the new things I am going to learn and put into action. For example, after a little over two years teaching, it’s refreshing being a student again and able to dive into the unknown.

    We’re now almost three months into 2020 and I have a pretty good road map for how I want to make this revolution around the sun a winner for myself in all aspects.

    Taking Care of Me

    There are so many ways I have committed to taking care of myself in the past but one of the primary ways has always been to indulge in whatever my heart desires (mostly), while my pocket could afford. That has proven to be a double edged sword and I now realize more than ever that taking care of myself is more than just a self-care regimen of a good face mask and a pedicure. It also includes conscientiously doing things that won’t cause me unnecessary regret later (hey bad debt). To really take care of myself, means not sabotaging my future with immediate satisfaction that will cost something important in the future, such as my health, wealth, sustenance or sanity. That being said, working on it!

    Focus on solutions

    There is ALOT of stuff that goes wrong every day that risks bogging me down inside my head:

    “Am I being a good friend? Am I being a good son, Am I doing my job well enough?”

    But I’ve taken to focusing on solutions when most of these questions pop up, because in almost every scenario, there is a solution to addressing these internal rumblings. And it usually surrounds choosing the affirmative and moving from there. So where the answer to any of those questions is – “No” the answer is – “I will do better today”. It also means clearing space in my mind and environment for the good to flourish. Good Vibes really make a big difference.

    Keep Moving

    As a follow on to being solutions oriented, it is important to just keep moving. You never get through anything if you don’t continue to move! So just keep going. If it means smelling the roses for a few and taking a breath, do it. What I have learned is that regardless of what I am dealing with, forward motion always takes me into the next chapter, no matter how difficult. Beyond the metaphoric though, I want to keep moving physically as well. I’ve come to realize how important being physical is to my mental and overall health, especially when I was not able to, so now more than ever I’m on a mission to get it done.

    Learning Never Ends

    One of the promises I made to myself this year was to learn as many new things as I could, specifically, things I’ve always wanted to know. And I am pursuing this all for the sake of gaining new knowledge. I have begun and it has been truly rewarding and fulfilling. My mind has opened up to so many new concepts and world’s that I could’ve never imagined before. It also extends to my ability to adapt to the new knowledge and manifesting it in my life. I am able.

    Baked into all of this is a renewed commitment to consistency, something that I have always struggled with (for certain things). I’m awake and I am ready to get it done!

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • No, You’re not weird if you like doing stuff alone!

    No, You’re not weird if you like doing stuff alone!

    Alone and Loving it

    Society and the world would have you believe that you are out of place and somehow don’t fit in, if you choose to navigate certain spaces alone.

    So ingrained has this idea become for many of us, the thought of going to a movie on your own scares many people, because it is simply NOT done. I will go further to say that society looks down on doing certain things on your own to the point where, even hotels charge you more when you book a room as an individual and while that may be more down to economics, it reinforces an idea that doing anything ‘alone’ is supposed to be an anomaly.

    Growing Up

    When I was younger it was actually easier to move through the world alone. It was unquestioned as no one naturally expected that I should have a gaggle of friends around me at all times.

    At other times, I was in the presence of an adult carer, so it never occurred to me how important the world deemed it to see me in the company of others.

    But once you start to mature, being alone becomes a liability, in fact as a teenager I was expected to have a friend group beyond school that I could ‘hang out with’.

    Growing up in a household where I was an only child ran counter to this idea though. I learned how to entertain myself with reading, playing, talking with my Mom and once I discovered TV, it was all over, I didn’t need another soul.

    That said, while I do have some anxiety moving through some spaces and places alone, for the most part I’m fine with doing certain things by myself without feeling like something is wrong with me.

    Being an introvert can be a good or bad thing in this regard but that’s another story.

    How quaint…

    I get tickled when people muse about things they are ‘afraid’ to do alone because I feel like we are denying ourselves an experience, simply because someone else is not there, as if by ourselves, we are not enough (did that go too deep?).

    alone

    In general I never want to feel like I am at the mercy of someone else’s interest level, schedule or budget to go somewhere. When I want to go somewhere, why should I let another person’s unavailability or situation prevent me?

    Found myself getting caught in that trap too often before I started to ‘man up’ up and just go to places I really wanted to, alone.

    Want to go see that movie? – GO

    Feel like checking out that bar to have a drink but have no one to go with? – GO

    Feel like spending the day at the beach? – GO

    Doing it alone, even once doesn’t mean that you are an outcast, or even worse, that something is wrong with you.

    I think the biggest thing to get over, was the fear of how other people would regard me being alone in a space where I am surrounded by couples or even groups. The big thing I’ve discovered? For the most part people don’t care and in fact, they’re not paying any attention to me.

    No Problem

    There can be a lot of anxiety and while I’m not calling myself a hero, it does take some bravery to step out on your own and just be, without worrying about being alone. It’s now considered a novelty, a thing to celebrate when persons do something ‘ground breaking’ by dining out alone and that’s ok (baby steps for some peeps).

    It shouldn’t have to be that way but it is.

    We should feel our whole, true selves spending time alone, doing whatever it is that we love, guilt free, no issues.

    We are fine, we are complete, we stand alone if and whenever we choose and when we don’t feel like doing it alone, we do it with others.

    Think my next big thing to conquer is going to a medium sized party on my own and seeing where that leads…

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Conquering your Fear of Public Speaking

    Conquering your Fear of Public Speaking

    If you’ve been a reader of this blog for some time, or if you know me, you would have picked up that I am a Toastmaster and a fan of public speaking.

    Working in communications, specifically radio, gave me practice using my voice, but joining the professional organisation known as Toastmasters International helped me to refine my presentation skills, even more.

    I recently had the opportunity to share some of my personal insights on public speaking on the Creatives on Fire podcast with Nadine Tomlinson – you can listen here.

    We had a fun conversation about public speaking, and I sought to address how persons can better embrace instead of fear these opportunities whenever they arise.

    Listening back to the conversation I realized that there are a few takeaways that have helped me immensely over the years.

    Where it all Began

    I can distinctly remember the first time I realized that just because I am articulate on the radio it didn’t automatically make me a good public speaker.

    It was during a public speaking workshop no less, where participants were being taken through the paces of sharing stories at the lectern. We were all tasked with preparing a brief speech about something of interest to us (if memory serves). I prepared something on paper and was mostly clear on how I was going to present it, however before we presented, our trainers provided insight on public speaking best practice.

    I had my draft speech all wrong and wanted to make changes to ‘improve it’.

    Well, I made my changes as best I could, however I had little to no time to really familiarize myself with the narrative.

    I went up to the lectern and I was completely stumped!

    What made this even worse was the fact that those who went before me were just about flawless in their presentations and even received commendations but I sunk like a deflated balloon.

    Nightmare!

    I experienced the deadliest cocktail of dread any person who fears public speaking could ever undergo:

    • Standing at a microphone facing a large group of people
    • I wasn’t sure of my material
    • Followed speakers who were really good
    • Embarrassed and blubbering

    That feeling of standing before an expectant audience, knowing that you are doomed but looking back at the blank faces because you know that they do not want to be in your position and they cannot offer any help.

    It was a public speaking disaster.  I took it in stride and promised to learn from that experience.

    When I was invited to join Toastmasters I was mentally prepared for the journey because I had experienced the worst public speaking fail and lived through it. No way was I going to shrink from an opportunity to do better and be great.

    On the journey as a Toastmaster I’ve learned three important things that I touched on in the podcast that I can speak about more here.

    Fear public speaking? You are not Alone

    If you’re like me, there was a time when the thought of getting up and addressing an audience of more than one person scared you to death. There’s a name for that -Glossophobia or fear of public speaking and it is more common than most of us believe. Appreciating that other people share this fear, I think, is the first step in getting over it. In fact, it may be an opportunity to laugh at yourself and truly come to terms with the experience.

    Think about public speaking from the micro level – every time you utter a word to someone else, it is a form of public speaking. You measure your progression by the growing size of audiences you are comfortably able to address over time. The only way you will be able to do this, is to get practice. Start small, start with family, at family gatherings, at church, in class, in your office but don’t take for granted the valuable experience you gain by simply doing it more often. Not only will you get used to public speaking over time, but there’s a high chance that you will learn and also grow.

    Power of the Pause

    I spoke a bit about this during the podcast, how pauses, strategically placed during a speech can elevate your oratorical skills. The next time you happen to hear a well known speaker address an audience, note how many times they make short pauses within the speech.

    Not only does it help them to catch a breath, the pause also engages the audience by allowing them time to think about some of what the speaker is saying. It is not a bad thing, it isn’t awkward when done correctly and as a speaker it also gives you a bit of time to gather your thoughts.

    Be Prepared 

    Finally, one of the most important aspects of public speaking we all seem to forget at some point is the ‘why’ of it all. Why are you standing before your audience and speaking? Of course the nightmare scenario of a request for impromptu speaking is always possible but even then, there is an expectation that you know something.

    In every other instance, the speaker must prepare. Read, memorise, write down, study, whatever you must do to ensure that you are familiar with your subject matter. Preparation helps you to be familiar with the topic, or even the written copy of your speech, but it’s plain common sense.

    Unfortunately, many people get intimidated because they want to be a great impromptu speaker without any experience at all. It really doesn’t work like that and only through doing, practicing, failing and learning will we ever get better at it. I really hope these insights can be useful if you are struggling with public speaking.  Let me know in the comments how you cope with public speaking jitters.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • How a one month break from Instagram shifted my focus

    How a one month break from Instagram shifted my focus

    I have been adrift.

    Somewhat overwhelmed by work, some aspects of life and just the cut and thrust of existing.

    There’s a fix however, that most of us have access to, if we are full time employed: Vacation days! So I decided to take some.

    Even before my vacation time had come, I made a decision quite early that I would temporarily deactivate my Instagram account.

    In my last blog post I mentioned how much of a time suck it is for me. I ended up deactivating a week before going on vacation and the expected FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) never materialized. I ended up remaining off instagram for a little over 4 weeks.

    For the Love

    It’s sometimes hard for me to adequately convey how I feel about the platform. What I know for sure, is that it can devour my time, and some content can be triggering. It doesn’t help that my work revolves around social media, so I usually have need to use the platform more often than not.

    Just to be clear, I LOVE social media.

    It’s through social media that I have been able to make meaningful and lasting connections with people who, with my otherwise introverted self, I would not have had access to. Additionally, it satisfies my insatiable need for information and with a carefully curated list of sources, I’m pretty content with what I am able to access and digest.

    There is however another side to social media that I find tiring – the performance of it all!

    Tiring as opposed to problematic, because I don’t believe that taking and sharing a picture to tell a story about something exciting happening in my life is a problem. I do find tiring, this seeming innate and pathological need to convince the world that ‘I AM OK’.

    Now this is me, I’m not even sure this is what other people feel, but I got to this point where I felt like every post needed to be a visual representation of the fact that, I’m alive, I’m thriving and having the best time of my life. That shit gets tired.

    This is not on Instagram, it’s on me.

    The smiles are never forced, and for the most part I have more good days than bad, but I started questioning this ‘obligation’ to let the world know what and when those were.

    Making it Real

    Over the past couple of years, I’ve actually started to be much more deliberate about what I decide to post on social media, and what aspects of my life I share. But unlike ‘influencers’ and Instagram famous people, who curate their timelines for aesthetics, I simply wanted to keep some things sacred.

    So in a way, I’ve flipped it. Things that I used to feel that I needed to share to allow others to know what’s going on in my life, I feel a bit more protective of, now.

    I threw off what felt almost like a chore and chose to just live and enjoy moments.

    This article written by New York Times tech columnist, Kevin Roose, brought me some eye opening perspective on phone use and how disruptive it can be if left unchecked.

    He untethered from his phone for 30 days, which allowed him to pick up new hobbies, and resulted in him reducing the amount of time he spent using his device.

    My own experience, though much less intense, allowed me to make some important observations. The most revealing, was just how little I know about the lives of my friends and former close acquaintances, even though we are connected via social media.

    Connect (ed)

    Sadly, the invasiveness of social media fools us into believing that we are plugged into the lives of our loved ones… So we know that our friend from high school is getting married, having a baby and just got a promotion.

    But social media is just a balcony with a view.

    In fact I’ll go further and say, social media access to the lives of our friends is merely a pair of binoculars. You can see everything in detail, from miles away, but you’re not really there, involved and participating.

    Being a spectator in the lives of our friends, through social media, is not the same as being involved. I came to this realization, when I didn’t have the same access to some people’s lives, without IG. It became clear, that while we are connected we aren’t truly connecting.

    Just because I have a friend on social media, it doesn’t mean that we are even having regular conversations.

    There are people I have known, who passed away and the last memory I have of connecting with them, was a photo they posted, that I liked.

    Not a call, not an in-person meet up, not even a conversation, just an ephemeral interaction on social media.

    I had to ask myself – “Was that meaningful enough?”

    It isn’t.

    Spark Joy

    Some of us (myself included) may take for granted the people in our lives because, we have virtual access to them on social media but what you see is not always the real deal.

    Because we all have that need to convince the world that we’re doing ok, based on what we post on our social media, it’s not good enough to just keep track.

    I now pursue more meaningful connections with my friends and some other acquaintances, off social media and work to be more present, in general.

    I’m also happy to report that taking a little time away from Instagram had another interesting side effect. I use the platform way less than before, now that I have returned.

    Previously, I depended on the in-app timer to alert me when I reached my 1 hour usage limit for the day. Now, I’m not even being alerted because I spend so few minutes of my day browsing.

    I feel a bit more conscious of the presence of my loved ones and I can truly treasure their presence. Even better, I’m more interested in their lives. This is what being social is truly about for me.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Kevin

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