Kevin O'Bryan

Tag: Life Lessons

  • Reading the tea leaves of changing relationships

    Reading the tea leaves of changing relationships

    Let’s face it, our relationships with other people constantly go through changes.

    Our lives are an ocean of unknowns and with each passing day, waves of opportunities, triumphs and failures wash over us. Through our relationships we are compelled to weather any storm and find safe harbour as needed. However there are times when the relationships we build are tested by undercurrents of change and strife or just, gravity.

    If the changing tides of relationships are not quite as apparent as you would want, here are some of the signs to look for that may indicate what is afoot or has already happened.

    You may consider these red flags, warning signs or simply clear indicators that your deep suspicion is now true and it’s either over, or has change indelibly.

    Here in no particular order are some possible things to look for.

     

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    Communication decreases

    This may seem obvious but not in the way you might think. The key differentiator however is a decrease in meaningful and deliberate communication which otherwise would’ve been a normal occurrence. The pandemic has changed the way many of us have chosen to communicate and engage with those in our lives. This may mean that you are a bit more sensitive about who and how you communicate. Therefore, it should become palpable fairly easily when communication has truly changed.

    Invites dry up

    Over time you may also realize that you are no longer granted invitations to activities that once were seemingly a consistent part of your life. Exclusion may seem more drastic and an overt way to signal that ‘you’re not one of us’ but again, it can also be explained away as reasonable. After all, no one is attached by the hips to another person unless they are conjoined and people do have other relationships. Regardless when the invites become few and far between, clinically specific and relegated to certain activities or just don’t happen at all, you can be certain that you’ve turned a page.

    Connecting feels awkward

    When you do connect, after wading through all of the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” you realize that there is an empty awkwardness that exists where easy friendship once resided. Sadly, there are many people who may not know how to give voice to this because, so many of us have been taught not to proactively interrogate the ‘why’ of some of our relationships.

    They have changed

    We have been led to believe that we have the right to ‘outgrow others’ and we do, but sometimes, it may not be us who are doing the growing but the other person. Doesn’t make you a bad person, just means that the currents of your lives are moving in different directions and what used to fit, no longer does, for them at least.

    You have changed

    And sometimes the problem is you. The big blind spot that is our own role in the enrichment or demise of our personal relationships are often understated or simply ignored. Whether you are on a journey of self-discovered/improvement/actualization or destruction, these phases can generate fractures in existing relationships. They may also cause your own needs from or for these relationships to shift. Be real about where you are and how you fit in your relationships.

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    You finally identify the category

    It is truly freeing when you are in sync with the intentions and motives of those in your life, but there can be those weird moments you are awakened to the category that your relationship with someone else falls.

    These awakenings are often times unspoken but become very clear through actions and supersede everything else shared here. Consider it therefore just a realization, that the ‘category’ that you have placed people in may not be the same as they have, therefore the expectations of reciprocity, are going to be underwhelming and in all likelihood painfully obvious.

    While categories may change, sometimes we live within the illusion of where we were from the get go until of course, time reveals it all.

    Closing thought

    In all of this we must also be clear that not everybody in our lives are meant to fulfil the same roles, all at the same time. In fact these functions can evolve and devolve. So someone who you would’ve probably had as your maid of honour one year could be just a bridesmaid the next. And that is ok! In fact, those two people may never ever be the same person.

    Living is complicated, life can be hard therefore, enjoy the relationships you have, set your boundaries and do what is ultimately best for you. It is up to us to protect ourselves and ensure that we are treated the way we deserve.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

    Kevin

  • Who are you without your job?

    Who are you without your job?

    I recently read an article titled 5 things you must do to treat yourself with kindness after a layoff. It detailed things to consider for self-care during period right after losing your job. But one of the tips struck me as something that is worth consideration well before we find ourselves in that position.

    The fourth recommendation was ‘Figure out who you are without your former job’ and I immediately identified it as something that we all must do while we are employed. Why wait until we’ve been laid off to have a clear understanding of who we are without a job?

    Boundaries

    For one, having this understanding will help you to set clear boundaries that will guide you while doing your job. Things such as your core principles, do’s and don’ts as well as non-negotiables all help to solidify our sense of identity outside of work but play a part in your decision making during work.

    In the article, it was noted that many people have “their sense of self wrapped up in what they do”, imagine then being able to clearly define your identity without the trappings of what you do, and instead focus on how you do it as well as who you are?

    The first step to unravel this identity crisis is to visit and establish the boundaries that you have set for your own wellbeing. Those self-preserving standards are the first sign of what makes you, you and provide a gauge of what holds you intact.
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    The thought that I could be somebody else underneath all of what I currently believe I am, is exciting. Because, that means that everything I ever told myself about the things that limit me and the justifications for those limitations, are completely false. Sometimes we get sucked into believing that all that we are is the value that we bring to our jobs, when the bigger picture and world beyond that wall says so much more.

    Discover what makes you special

    Whether you believe so or not, you bring something unique to every position and role you work in. Now may be the time for you to take stock of those skills, talents, or idiosyncrasies which make you an asset in your role. They may be the key to your future next steps, whatever those are. In evaluating my own gifts and what I bring to the table, I realized that in one of my former roles, the skillsets that I brought to the table allowed me to bring something unique to the job that could not be easily replicated if my replacement were to be hired, simply based on my job description.

    I brought that to the table and that is what I provided to the role, not the other way around. Too often we work in jobs over long (or even short) periods and think that the work in all its sameness has moulded us when in fact it’s our own dynamism that makes it liveable and allows us to add value. So we are not just filling a slot, we bring something to the table that in many ways cannot be copied.

    Outside of the daily job

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    Figuring out your identity outside of a job is a perfect opportunity to consider what the possibilities and next steps could be for your life, both professionally and otherwise.

    When you consider things liked – what else could I do? What would I be doing if not this?

    It all comes down to the basics of who you believe you are and what you feel you have to give to the world. It may mean grabbing opportunities that lead you into a completely new direction outside of that box that you were living in.

    Many people have discovered certain skills and talents in the process of doing their job and suddenly something that has laid dormant, provided new energy for something else.

    I don’t know who you are but I hope you find out and nurture that person in all the ways that they matter.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Important Lessons I’ve learned being a Manager

    Important Lessons I’ve learned being a Manager

    I recently completed a course at work titled 10 Steps to Becoming a Successful Manager. I feel that it was timely because, so often we are thrust into these roles without much guidance therefore I entered the experience with openness and a willingness to learn.
    For just over 5 years I have been charged with managing people, one of the single most difficult assignments I have ever had to take on in my professional career. Prior to this, the only person I had to regulate and be responsible for was myself, so imagine a world where I had to now manage expectations both internal and external to my team and most importantly, myself.
    Every time I dared forget that each member of my team was now, in some way a representation of my own work ethic and reputation, I was violently reminded, even if, technically, this was not absolutely accurate.
    Critiques, judgement and the gaze of those on the outside never tend to fall on the side of nuance or understanding minor details or even the truth. They usually play to a more general sentiment. And so as a leader you learn that what is unseen and unsaid, is often summed up by your stewardship.

    Getting Situated as a Manager

    I have observed that over the years, that through personal growth and maturity, my people-pleasing tendencies, have decreased significantly. However there is a certain level of proselytising  that is assumed of anyone who becomes a new boss to a team, that is seemingly sizing you up and deciding if you are worthy of respect.
    For my part I have learned to set boundaries for myself and model my own style of management on best practice I have experienced of leaders in my own life. But regardless of how you begin the journey, at some point you will have to decide if you are willing to sacrifice likeability for follow through. It’s not always an easy balance because, being authentic and choosing to do the right thing, as a leader, will not always be popular.
    With that said, here are some of the most invaluable lessons I have learned so far about managing people.

    It can be Thankless but Rewarding

    One of the first things that you recognise about this role of leading others is that for the most part it is a thankless job. This is in part due to the typical structure of professional relationships where one person is placed ‘in charge’ and now has to navigate and mediate the needs of both upper leadership, and those who report to you.
    This doesn’t even have to describe a contentious or fractious environment. The sooner you are able to recognise that accolades may not be quick to come from either side, the better.

    Despite this glum outlook, the rewards of hard work and persistence will come. Whether through small changes in the output of those you lead or cohesive teamwork when it counts, these are the positive sparks that make it worth it! Finally, patience is an important trait in this regard.

    Empathy flows in one direction (Kinda)

    During the second chapter of my aforementioned training course, we focused on working well with others. A segment of that session featured this interview with Simon Sinek which touched on empathy. As a manager of people, I am often called upon to look within and empathise with those I work with. It helps to understand their perspectives, motivations, challenges and thought processes, even in post mortem. The most important skill I have honed and practiced on this journey is communication, because most if not all breakdowns begin with a lack of communication. So through that process, I am better able to empathise but more importantly, manage expectations.
    Unfortunately, under most circumstances, empathy is only expected to flow in one direction and let’s be real – Who is out here trying to be in their boss’s shoes?
    It can be a vindication when it does happen, however fleeting those moments are. The reality is some people remain willfully blind to the pressures and demands that drive you, to drive them. And more often than not, it’s a case of see no evil, hear no evil.

    You’re a Manager not a Parent

    If as a people manager you feel as though you are being positioned as a parent figure by your subordinates, then you should definitely interrogate how you approach your stewardship.

    Because, while there is some amount of palpable parental instinct that may come into play when dealing with your charges, it should never extend to the more toxic aspects of the role that often results in breakdowns and detrimental challenges.

    So, there will be an instinct to protect your team but perish the thought if you ever think you should shield them from every challenge that may roll around. That is out of your control and not your job, because it’s simply not doable. I’m personally of the view that some people model their behaviour towards leadership in the working world, on their relationships with their parents, in some cases. This is somewhat related to the phenomenon of transference but goes a bit beyond it.

    Persons will feel the need to utilize tactics often reserved for their parents in dealing with challenges that arise with the person they report to. Think, gaslighting, emotional manipulation, rudeness, duplicitousness and other such indignities.

    Consistency is vital

    Adapting to changing circumstances is of course expected, especially in the fast paced world we live in. But while being flexible with change is pretty standard, commitment to being consistent with your words actions and principles is also important.
    I am proud of the fact that whether impressions of me are bad, fair or fine, they will at least reveal a level of consistency that grounds how I navigate my professional space. When you are consistent, being held accountable is never a problem because there is no contradiction of your actions or even motivations.
    Having consistent principles also provides some amount of guidance to those you lead because they will at least have a sense of your baseline and what makes you tick.

    A community for support is a Lifeline

    The most enduring element of my experience has been the support from my community of colleagues, friends and allies who have been a source of strength as I continue to grow in my leadership role and as a person.
    You will need folks who will keep it 100 with you while providing a listening ear when you have to process some of the more difficult moments that often roll around because of ‘the work’.
    Community also helps to provide perspective, a bit of mentorship and even coaching when needed. It is a vital support system that will help to keep you centred when everything around you seems out of balance.

    Do the Work!

    By do the work, I’m not referring to just the day job, but the internal work needed to maintain your mental health and your fortitude to deal with the busy (ness) of work life and managing others.
    Additionally, your physical health cannot be the weakest link because everything it is the foundation of every other aspect of your life. For me that has been running and going to the gym, but lately that also includes therapy to better understand ‘me’. We can’t give to the world from an empty cup so it is acutely important to safeguard our source.
    But even as I unpack explore the self-work required to be better and more grounded to deal with the job, I also want to highlight the fact that it goes hand in hand with striving for excellence in the work you do day-to-day. Being that exemplar of the standard you want to see in your team never hurts because your energy and work ethic can also set the pace for them.

    These are my takeaways, my insights about an aspect of my life in leadership that I continue to learn about.

    Let me know in the comments if you have any learnings of your own.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Why People who fail are super Heroes!

    Why People who fail are super Heroes!

    We are taught to hate and fear FAILURE. It is so ingrained in our psyche to a certain degree that often times our futures and destiny are tied to our performance in major exams and other tests of skill. Just don’t fail!

    I remember the pressure placed on me when I sat the common entrance in primary school, not quite as dramatic as what followed for the next generation that sat the GSAT exam but its results were pivotal enough. This catalytic examination would help to determine if the first decade of my parent’s efforts to raise and educate me was a bust or in the event that I passed, augured well for my future.

    Sadly, on the day those results became public, many students had red eyes, weary from crying because they either didn’t hear their names announced or they were sent to schools which were considered an equivalent to failure.

    So entrenched is our ideas around failure and the avoidance of it, that the announcement of any list touting which high school in Jamaica is ‘the best’ can cause a melt down across social media, as was recently the case when this report  by the Jamaica Education Transformation Commission was released.

    Any association with it in our society and even across different cultures, basically assigns you a Scarlett letter that tells the world that you are to be avoided and rejected.

    The Results

    This rejection of failure, though noble has had some unintended consequences for an entire generation of people, some of whom have mastered the idea that they must go through life celebrating (rightfully so their wins) and behave as if they have never failed. Or worse still, act as if failure is impossible, making them infallible.

    These people are our relatives, our lovers, our co-workers, bosses and cut across every possible line of individual you interact with on a daily basis.

    I have had a difficult time dealing with colleagues who because of their rejection of the possibility that their ideas can fail or have failed, absolutely refuse to accept feedback in a meaningful and constructive way. Then there are others so gun-shy about appearing to, or actually failing, they rather cycle through ideas and concepts without doing something because they are looking for the big hit, sans failures.

    It is an impossible race to a bottomless pit dealing with individuals like this who think that failure defines them forever or worse yet, that they are perfect and beyond failure.

    Failure is an option

    We don’t usually set out to fail when we start something new or with any endeavour we undertake. Reality is, failure can cost us a lot, both in tangible and even intangible ways that over time can take a toll.

    But what if we flip the script maybe, failure should be one of the options that we pre-bake into our endeavours to sign post our journey; that jolt of reality to both re-direct and re-energise us on our journey to success.

    The famous line from Game of Thrones comes to mind: “Chaos is a Ladder” and for many of us Failure is the ladder because it often pushes beyond wherever we were, to usually better circumstances or new horizons.

    There are a number of reasons why I consider failure essential to eventual success and simply a crucial part of life, that try as we might, shouldn’t be feared.

    Failure signifies movement

    Anyone who is failing at something is also actively attempting to accomplish something and hopefully they will fail, learn, try again, maybe fail again and start over or have success based on what they have learned and applied.

    Failure is never the end

    Failures are deeply personal however they can serve such a powerful purpose for others. The cautionary tale has done so much for persons who while never experiencing them, have been able to make better decisions from the misadventures of others. Failing at something is never wasted, even if you are not the one to benefit from it.

    Your failure is as great as its inverse success

    I always take comfort in knowing that as bad as a moment of failure or rejection is, the opposite will be just as overwhelming but without the dread.

    Failure is part of the progress

    I say ‘the progress’ because there is no rule that states to have progress you must fail, though it could be argued. However within any effort that seeks to gain a state of perfection, there will be a bar of failure that must be overcome. The feeling of never being ‘just right’ has to be satisfied. Working through that feeling, toward the eventual goal will therefore encounter and overcome failures.

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    Final word

    It has taken me years to work through and overcome the hold that failure has had on my psyche. Not the failure itself but the dread, embarrassment and feeling of uselessness. But interestingly enough, it was a big failure that taught me how to work through and overcome the helplessness.

    In the valley of a major failing, where my life appeared to lay in ruins before me, and I was overcome with regret and shame, I was able to begin the rebuilding process. With determination and the new found realization that I was on the other side of my worst fear, nothing could stop me.

    I entered the next phase of my life with a renewed sense of purpose and achieved my greatest success, up to that point, even surprising myself. To do that, I had to do things I had never done before and take on new habits and prove to myself that I could do it.

    Of course, other failures happened in my life, but for the most part I could sometimes predict them based on my own self-limiting behaviour. I never gave up though, and you shouldn’t either.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

    Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

     

    Lesson learned

    One of the biggest lessons I learned coming out of this past year was the importance of not watering dead plants. I mean this both literally and figuratively, as for a bit, I spent time nurturing plants that simply would not grow (black thumb gardeners can relate).

    But to the point, the lesson symbolizes so many things that I pushed energy into that were not feeding my soul in 2021.

    Namely, there were alleged friendships and connections that simply were not viable, goals that I just didn’t have the heart to go after, thought processes that held me back and comfort zones that were held in place by fear which served no purpose.

    Those Relationships

    Sometimes you mean well when it comes to certain people in your life? And even though they show you time and time again that they do not hold you in equal regard, you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt?

    I have done that, for a while.

    With the toll the pandemic has taken, you get a bit more sensitive to things that make you feel less than and compromised. So if someone is not showing up in your life, it becomes noticeable real quick.

    Funny thing also is that even relationships and connections that have been around for a long time tend to show wear and tear with neglect and unreciprocated care.

    I haven’t beaten myself up about it, it isn’t a failure just an acknowledgement that those connections are not ‘real’ and that we are not in sync.

    And honestly, I am tired.

    Message and lesson received.

    Dem Goals

    There were goals placed on the table well before their time and I held on to a few for longer than I should’ve. Even worse, when I realized they were not going to be realized, I lamented the failing and stressed over it.

    For example, I had set some admirable goals in terms of this blog and even reading, as well as others related to certain areas of my life.

    So many neat things that I could’ve worked on and get done and in the big mix of a year that was filled with other ‘stuff’, they just didn’t happen.

    But delayed doesn’t mean discarded and even in the midst of upheaval that caused shifts in some areas of my life, I still held on to the idea of achieving certain things.

    I just have to know when to say: “Maybe next time!”

    Breaking Chains

    If I thought I was assertive before, this past year taught me that there are levels to standing up for yourself and you will only experience some of these levels when you let go of the fears of propriety and ‘manners’ and just be bold!

    Closed mouths don’t get fed and neither are they able to defend you or vocalize what ails you if you remain silent.

    Developing the gumption to truly say “this is not for me” and letting go of the fear of repercussions has truly changed my outlook and approach to life.

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    The Truth

    What I have instead come to terms with is something that I recognized about myself as I pondered on 2021.

    I am not a failure.

    In fact I achieved a number of things I had previously only tentatively considered and I executed these things exactly as I hoped. And all it took was looking back at the year and the areas of my life that I gave focus, to realize.

    They were all things that I nurtured and paid attention to, which lets me understand that any goal that I bring to fruition will require my full attention. It will not become reality simply by being on a wishlist.

    The true lesson is, what you nurture is what grows. So moving into 2022, I’m going to be focusing heavily on the wins I actually want to accomplish.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Are you ever enough?

    Are you ever enough?

    I am fond of the phrase “I am enough.” because it represents a powerful statement of intent and acceptance. That simple phrase lets me know that whatever journey I am on and whatever goals I am working towards, where I stand in THIS moment is right where I need to be and all that I am is enough.

    It’s funny how the world forces us to enrich our souls with these mantras because life has a way of literally picking away at our confidence and belief in self. Just look at it, our salaries and job titles can give us some insight into where we think we are in life. Our possessions apparently should clue us in to our ‘progress’ and our relationships should say something about who we are as people.

    But when is any of that enough or just right? Is it ever perfect?

    I have come to the conclusion that perfect is what you have chosen to live with and also, what may make you happy, in that exact moment. But I’ve also come to realize that perfect, or at least, what any of us may consider perfect is evolving and changes with our perspectives.

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    Reflection

    Recently, while completing appraisals for my team at work, I came upon a very common point of information that I shared with a few people. It is this: the metrics used for the appraisal, are not meant to define who we are, forever and ever. In fact, as most appraisals are a retrospective, look back, metrics only measure who you were over a period of time. Therefore they can change and will continue to change as we learn more and grow.

    It’s always tempting to use the yard sticks provided to us by jobs or resumes or any process that requires us to self-reflect, to determine who we are, in a very definitive way.  When really, all they ever do is check our temperature, in the moment and provide insight into where we are at that point. They do little to determine our future outcome and in reality, they shouldn’t.

    When it Matters

    In my most vulnerable moments I will ask myself  “have I done enough?” and invariably the answer will be a resounding ‘not quite!’.  That pressure is compounded by the weight of other people’s expectations and assumptions of who and where you should be, at a particular time and stage in your life.

    I’m at that juncture where people now have those expectations, but looking back, I realize that it was always that way. We call it different things: ambition, aspiration, dreams, encouragement. But you come to realize that those ambitions don’t seem to end with a singular accomplishment, or new phase of life. Basically, what is considered enough by everyone outside of your self is a moving target and it’s always about what’s next.

    By following this ‘dictate’, sometimes I can’t seem to reside in an accomplishment or new phase, because, even within a moment of exuberance, it’s just never enough. Yet I know now, more than ever the value of enjoying and living within those moments of accomplishments.

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    Slippery Slope

    The temporary and transient nature of satiety, at least, relating to that feeling of what I will call ‘enoughness’ is so fickle. It can last as long as it takes for an order from amazon.com to land on your doorstep and the euphoria you felt discovering it wanes immediately after the unboxing.

    What drives us to acquire is sometimes summing ourselves up and deciding that maybe that one item will make it complete, or better. Maybe after this purchase, I will be enough, even for a short period. Like most drug induced highs, it simply doesn’t last and can never be recaptured, no matter how hard we may try.

    The best we can do therefore is to walk in the knowledge that even if we aren’t quite right, we are exactly what we need to be, right now. And until the perfect equilibrium moment arrives, hold on.

    I’m holding on.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Yes, I’m single… What of it?

    Yes, I’m single… What of it?

    I feel ‘safe’ writing about this now that V-Day has come and gone. After all couldn’t risk being called bitter because I’m not ‘celebrating’ the day of Love. I honestly am neither here nor there when it comes to the observance though my protestations and meme use on social media around that time of year is always top notch.

    Just look at these?

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    And while, thankfully, the question of my own ‘singleness’ doesn’t come up as much nowadays, when it does, it is with a certain level of questioning and wonderment. People often approach the topic with a number of preconceived notions about who I am and why I may or may not be single.

    It’s an easy way to get into your business but some people also immediately behave as if you’re a leper because you are single. What’s that about?

    Relatives have gone as far as to patronizingly tell me that “everybody needs somebody” which is funny because to the best of my knowledge, very few people I know are connected to just a ‘somebody’ (but that’s another story). The reality is some folks feel invested in figuring you out and one of the ways they believe they can do that is through who you are connected with intimately.

    I can see how it could be a bit odd, considering that there are people I am close enough with who have never known me while I was in a relationship. Oh well…

    Upon deeper consideration I have arrived at the following conclusions/insights about being and living single that I believe would be useful to share as a reminder and an FYI to those who may otherwise behave as if it is an abstraction.

    Being single did not happen to me – it’s a decision I made and continue to make

    Unlike bad days and being hit by a bus, being single did not ‘happen’ to me. Yes, of course, at some point I was in a relationship (or two) that ended but the state of being single remains.

    That state is a conscious decision I have made and continue to make, for myself. No explanation needed really. It is what it is and until someone or circumstances change (it), it will probably be ok and I will survive.

    What being single is not, is an immutable state that remains for eternity.

    I don’t need your help

    Yeah, no.

    Perish the thought that I need your assistance, your suggestions or recommendations. This actually applies to most people, who sometimes think it’s a great idea to find someone ‘for’ me. Surprisingly, recommendations typically come from people I am not even close with and who know nothing about my dating life and habits. I’m more willing to trust suggestions from close friends (if they even want to do that).

    A superficial understanding of who I am and whom I may be interested in will prove to be a disaster. Also, I am not open to matchmaking experiments by intrepid dating experts   because based on past experience, they are usually way off (your friend or acquaintance is probably not my type).

    And what a violation it is for folks to be sharing information about you to people who you do not know, for them to critique and assess, as if you are a slab of meat.

    NO.

    See your single friends and leave them alone, believe that they know what they want and unless they inform you otherwise, they probably don’t want to be introduced to your well-intentioned but typically inappropriate pitches.

    Platonic relationships are a thing

    One of the starkest realizations I came to at the end of a previous relationship was the importance of having meaningful platonic relationships. Friendships are important and the right ones can help you to thrive while living single.

    I choose to add more value to platonic relationships at this moment and that is important to me. Doesn’t take long for you to realize that some people may not understand or appreciate that, which is ok.

    Obviously, not everyone will want to be your friend or even an acquaintance but even as a first step before something else, it can provide so much clarity. I mean, if I can’t be friends with someone, comfortably, then we probably can’t be anything beyond that, basically.

    Being single is not a scarlet letter  

    Seriously, I’m not broken and last time I checked, I’m not somehow inadequate because I am single.

    Weird to sometimes consider this because people feel like you are missing a kidney or a rib when you have no romantic partner. With all the dysfunction many relationships have, better peeps pray for my good health.

    Yes, people are living and thriving, while single and no they are not dysfunctional because of it. In fact I can recall being told by a suitor years ago that I was selfish because I basically was so comfortable with ‘myself’ – people will gaslight you for the weirdest things. Make of that what you will.

    Additionally, I’m neither asexual nor anti-relationship. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being Asexual or even anti-relationship, it’s just not who I am. What’s more I’m not jaded enough to say that I am absolutely turned off from relationships, far from it actually.

    Final thoughts

    Living single is as simple as breathing and no one deserves to feel like something is wrong with them because they are. Live and let live, in this great big world that we are all part of.

     Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Stay Ready so you Never have to get Ready!

    Stay Ready so you Never have to get Ready!

    This is the final in my New Year refresh series and as I continue, I’m at the point where after all the decluttering, I’m now ready for the ‘fix up’ after the ‘clean up’. It’s February so there’s still time to make those moves and get your 2021 plans underway.

    ready

    Just think, in this very moment you are sitting on a goldmine, even as all seems desperate and scarcity appears all that is in our future (probably a bit overly dramatic after the year we’ve had).

    The gold is in everything that you know, everything that you have ever experienced and everything that you take for granted about yourself. All of this knowledge and perspective is a gift that should be shared with the world.

    And now with the way the world is set up it is a bit easier for us to share that knowledge, with the pent up need so many people have to learn new things and the ease of access created by communications technology.

    But if you’re wondering about the how, I have a few insights. You have most if not all the resources you need to be able to make a significant change.

    Start with what you know

    You know something that is very valuable to someone else and you may not even know it. Whether it is something that you spent years of your life studying in school, a hobby or simply something that you have always been deeply interested in stop taking it for granted. You never know what it is that other people don’t know and there is so much.  One of the good things the pandemic has done is opened the appetites of all of us to learn something new.

    Your knowledge and insight into a particular area may be just what someone else desires to learn about right now and all that’s missing is your willingness to connect and share. Maybe it’s your interest in cooking or marketing or even crafting. Believe that there are people who want to learn what you know and will be willing to engage.

    Never stop learning

    After assessing what you actually know, is there anything else that you could brush up on? Learning never ends so there’s nothing to lose in either learning new skills or refreshing those that you already know. Internet connectivity has democratized learning for many of us, who can now simply enroll into free courses online.

    It’s now easier than ever to acquire news skills and apply them to your life immediately, even if you already believe you are an expert in a particular area. I’ve been fortunate to access a number of marketing and communications related courses over the past year that have proven to be career enhancing. They both reinforced stuff I already knew, while teaching new concepts that are benefitting me now.

    Whatever your interest, it is almost certain that there is a resource that exists to help you refine and increase our knowledge such as Coursera and Udemy.

    Find your Tribe

    Yes, there are communities of people who share your interests and now with this invention called the internet, it is easier than ever to connect with these like minds. Regardless of your interests, you can find thriving even niche, online communities that can help to nurture and help you to engage with persons from across the globe. It can be as simple as searching through hashtags on Twitter to find your tribe or discovering the perfect groups on Facebook or LinkedIn. Either way, adding your voice to ongoing conversations will not only help you to share your perspective, but learn from others.

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    If the online space is not your ideal landing strip to discover your tribe, then maybe a service club or even a professional organisation such as Toastmasters would be ideal options. If all else fails then begin the process of building your own community, create meaning and purpose around what you are interested in. An immediate inspiration is my friend who decided to start a book club with other friends who wanted to work on their reading habit, a few years down the road and it is now a thriving community of earnest readers.

    Get you some headshots

    Now for the pièce de résistance, the look and feel that will add the perfect finishing touch. Get you some headshots! If you have never had any taken, now is the perfect time to have some taken, because opportunities may be coming your way and you will need to be ready.

    Over the past year, I have either organised or been part of several forums where a headshot is absolutely necessary and having one is the best way to be ready. Why you may ask?

    Well, the growing need for persons, like you, to share their expertise and knowledge in multiple virtual spaces, means that pretty soon you may be asked to share your headshot for one of those forums.

    You should never be asked for a headshot and all you have to share is a selfie from either the passenger or driver seat (no shade).

    You can follow this video for some tips on taking headshots on your own using a good cell phone but if you want, there are photographers available who will be more than happy to take them for you at a cost. They will act as a snapshot of your personality even before people are introduced to you and they can saw so much about your brand values and the overall energy that you are sending out into the world.

    Be Prepared

    The successes we will experience this year will be based on the preparations we make beginning today. Arthur Ashe  said “One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.” Get ready to benefit from the opportunities that will come your way this year, just because of who you are and what you already know.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    In the continued spirit of refresh and declutter, I continue this series with a note to self on how to free up my mental and emotional space from thoughts that otherwise bog me down. Consider this the mental declutter for the year ahead.

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    Nothing like committing to ‘New Year, New Me’, then end up getting trapped by your old mindset and lethargy.

    You know, the old habits, pathologies and fears that challenge our basic ability to change our circumstances, year after year. The thing is, most of these obstacles are within our control but as soon as the new car smell of the ‘new year’ wears off every dream and aspiration gets shunted.

    I have learned a thing or two about making new year plans and goals doable and one of the most potent was a lesson from 2020, which was to start early!

    Whatever you intend to do, actively start working towards it as soon as the new year has begun, when the motivation is ripe. And if 2020 is anything to go by, you never know what could happen after the first 3 months of the year.

    I cannot stress enough that the insights I am about to share are a ‘note to self’ as the reset in my thinking and attitude is an ongoing process for which I have to continuously recommit.

    For this year, I aim to be even more intentional about safeguarding my mental wellbeing and I hope that reaffirming these mantras/actions will keep that commitment in check.

     

    Embrace Rejection

    It’s ironic that I’m choosing to ‘embrace rejection’ even as the nature of it is the complete opposite but my thinking around this has been framed by my experience with being rejected in multiple ways and also overcoming that.

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    Of course I hate rejection, in all its forms, from the subtle erasure you may experience when you realize that you are not ‘that friend’ to someone you are close to or the hurt associated with not getting something that I wanted.

    But what has been a salve in dealing with rejection is accepting and understanding that it is not failure, even if the sum total appears that way. Instead, I genuinely see rejection as redirection and I refuse to see it otherwise. Owning my destiny means that the ultimate result of any situation that does not appear to work in my favour initially, will, eventually.

    Rejection is number one on this list because the way it happens in our lives is so diverse and multifaceted and when it does, it can cause much consternation and confusion.

    I keep reminding myself: I am not for everyone and everything is not for me. Redirection allows me to find my way and my tribe.

     

    I’m not the ‘Good Guy’

    One of the greatest life lessons I came to terms with in my life in 2020 was the fact that I am a villain in someone’s story.

    I am ok with that.

    It was funny to discover that in one instance there was a whole storyline which clearly set me up as the evil, bad guy with all my nuanced and idiosyncratic characteristics, neatly checked off. On paper I was the bad guy and to anyone listening (without clarification, not to mention all the embellishment and fabrication) I was the perfect Disney antagonist.

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    However I was aware of my intent as well as everything that ordered my actions within the context of those retellings and most importantly, my conscience was free and clear.

    Accept and Move On

    I no longer worry about the fact that people think of me in one way or another because at the end of the day, I can only do me and where I make a mistake or foul up, I simply aim to do better another day.

    It can be a rude awakening when you realize that there are people who think of you as ‘toxic’. Well, it’s time to get over yourself, own that toxicity and keep on living anyway. It can be an indictment against ourselves when we walk around always believing that we are the ‘Good Guy’.

    It’s damaging, because while in your heart and actions you are a good person, telling yourself that and choosing to disbelieve that someone can consider you otherwise, can immediately make you a victim of circumstance. In fact if statements like “But I didn’t do anything to that person” or “I don’t trouble people” become part of your reaction to malice or bad actions against you then you should do a self-check.

    We have no control over how people perceive us beyond the superficial and regardless of how you present yourself to the world there will always certainly be differing viewpoints about who you ‘really are’. People have opinions and sometimes ‘they feel away’ about you the moment you walk into a room. Don’t let that stop you from being great!

     

    Just Do it anyway

    There is so much going on and when the going gets tough, it’s sometimes easy to account for all of those other things and just throw your hands up in defeat. But my new attitude will be “Do it Anyway!”

    Whether in fear or full of nerves, whatever we want to accomplish, will be on the other side of that trepidation. Some of the most fulfilling experiences and outcomes I’ve had in my life have been as a result of me just deciding to do it anyway.

    This is the attitude I have when it comes to work and getting projects completed therefore I’ve decided to adopt this principle, with as much seriousness when it comes to my own pursuits.

    Can’t count how many times I’ve set goals and every possible reason comes up why I could never accomplish it and then, the time goes by without anything to show.

    Every time I express my thoughts in one of these blogs there is that question of whether it is good enough or if it will add value. I’m not always sure of the answer to either of those questions but I press publish anyway because I rather have it published than wonder about what could have been.

    Final Word

    I am doing the best I can, as are all of us. I am figuring it out, planning, writing it down and charting my course.

    Share with me some of things you plan to clear up.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Wake up and Live! – How I’m living in 2020

    Wake up and Live! – How I’m living in 2020

    Wake Up!

    I woke up one morning and it was the end of 2019 and for the first time in years, I chose not to ring in the new year at a party or event. Instead, I went to bed for a change.

    The year of clear (er) vision, 2020, has been an interesting one so far. I fully counted January as December 2.0 because for me, it was an opportunity to tie up loose ends of the year past. It was in that process that I was able to set some clear goals for the rest of the year and immediately start acting on them.

    I also spent some time looking at the goals I had set for myself in 2019 and for a quick second I was caught up in the idea of how I failed at accomplishing some of those only to realize that on the other side of failure is an opportunity for growth.

    For example, I didn’t complete my must read list of books from last year – boo hoo – but I did make an admirable dent in it. It also seemed that for every deliberate thing that I had set out to do and not fully accomplish, I was able to focus on something else and begin working on that, such as finally opening that stock market account.

    It can be testing telling yourself every day that – ‘I am enough’ – when the world constantly questions that.

    Am I really?

    For real?

    Are you ok?

    And that’s why sometimes I have to sit and really ask myself “Are you ok?”

    That self check-in has given me space to come to terms with how I am really feeling because if it’s one thing I know, not many people are genuinely asking me if I’m ok. For those that do, it is usually heartfelt and a real question, which I appreciate.

    In the new year, I’ve set new goals and I am extremely excited about the challenges and plans I have in store. Specifically, all the new things I am going to learn and put into action. For example, after a little over two years teaching, it’s refreshing being a student again and able to dive into the unknown.

    We’re now almost three months into 2020 and I have a pretty good road map for how I want to make this revolution around the sun a winner for myself in all aspects.

    Taking Care of Me

    There are so many ways I have committed to taking care of myself in the past but one of the primary ways has always been to indulge in whatever my heart desires (mostly), while my pocket could afford. That has proven to be a double edged sword and I now realize more than ever that taking care of myself is more than just a self-care regimen of a good face mask and a pedicure. It also includes conscientiously doing things that won’t cause me unnecessary regret later (hey bad debt). To really take care of myself, means not sabotaging my future with immediate satisfaction that will cost something important in the future, such as my health, wealth, sustenance or sanity. That being said, working on it!

    Focus on solutions

    There is ALOT of stuff that goes wrong every day that risks bogging me down inside my head:

    “Am I being a good friend? Am I being a good son, Am I doing my job well enough?”

    But I’ve taken to focusing on solutions when most of these questions pop up, because in almost every scenario, there is a solution to addressing these internal rumblings. And it usually surrounds choosing the affirmative and moving from there. So where the answer to any of those questions is – “No” the answer is – “I will do better today”. It also means clearing space in my mind and environment for the good to flourish. Good Vibes really make a big difference.

    Keep Moving

    As a follow on to being solutions oriented, it is important to just keep moving. You never get through anything if you don’t continue to move! So just keep going. If it means smelling the roses for a few and taking a breath, do it. What I have learned is that regardless of what I am dealing with, forward motion always takes me into the next chapter, no matter how difficult. Beyond the metaphoric though, I want to keep moving physically as well. I’ve come to realize how important being physical is to my mental and overall health, especially when I was not able to, so now more than ever I’m on a mission to get it done.

    Learning Never Ends

    One of the promises I made to myself this year was to learn as many new things as I could, specifically, things I’ve always wanted to know. And I am pursuing this all for the sake of gaining new knowledge. I have begun and it has been truly rewarding and fulfilling. My mind has opened up to so many new concepts and world’s that I could’ve never imagined before. It also extends to my ability to adapt to the new knowledge and manifesting it in my life. I am able.

    Baked into all of this is a renewed commitment to consistency, something that I have always struggled with (for certain things). I’m awake and I am ready to get it done!

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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