Tag: Featured

  • Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

    Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

     

    Lesson learned

    One of the biggest lessons I learned coming out of this past year was the importance of not watering dead plants. I mean this both literally and figuratively, as for a bit, I spent time nurturing plants that simply would not grow (black thumb gardeners can relate).

    But to the point, the lesson symbolizes so many things that I pushed energy into that were not feeding my soul in 2021.

    Namely, there were alleged friendships and connections that simply were not viable, goals that I just didn’t have the heart to go after, thought processes that held me back and comfort zones that were held in place by fear which served no purpose.

    Those Relationships

    Sometimes you mean well when it comes to certain people in your life? And even though they show you time and time again that they do not hold you in equal regard, you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt?

    I have done that, for a while.

    With the toll the pandemic has taken, you get a bit more sensitive to things that make you feel less than and compromised. So if someone is not showing up in your life, it becomes noticeable real quick.

    Funny thing also is that even relationships and connections that have been around for a long time tend to show wear and tear with neglect and unreciprocated care.

    I haven’t beaten myself up about it, it isn’t a failure just an acknowledgement that those connections are not ‘real’ and that we are not in sync.

    And honestly, I am tired.

    Message and lesson received.

    Dem Goals

    There were goals placed on the table well before their time and I held on to a few for longer than I should’ve. Even worse, when I realized they were not going to be realized, I lamented the failing and stressed over it.

    For example, I had set some admirable goals in terms of this blog and even reading, as well as others related to certain areas of my life.

    So many neat things that I could’ve worked on and get done and in the big mix of a year that was filled with other ‘stuff’, they just didn’t happen.

    But delayed doesn’t mean discarded and even in the midst of upheaval that caused shifts in some areas of my life, I still held on to the idea of achieving certain things.

    I just have to know when to say: “Maybe next time!”

    Breaking Chains

    If I thought I was assertive before, this past year taught me that there are levels to standing up for yourself and you will only experience some of these levels when you let go of the fears of propriety and ‘manners’ and just be bold!

    Closed mouths don’t get fed and neither are they able to defend you or vocalize what ails you if you remain silent.

    Developing the gumption to truly say “this is not for me” and letting go of the fear of repercussions has truly changed my outlook and approach to life.

    lesson

    The Truth

    What I have instead come to terms with is something that I recognized about myself as I pondered on 2021.

    I am not a failure.

    In fact I achieved a number of things I had previously only tentatively considered and I executed these things exactly as I hoped. And all it took was looking back at the year and the areas of my life that I gave focus, to realize.

    They were all things that I nurtured and paid attention to, which lets me understand that any goal that I bring to fruition will require my full attention. It will not become reality simply by being on a wishlist.

    The true lesson is, what you nurture is what grows. So moving into 2022, I’m going to be focusing heavily on the wins I actually want to accomplish.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Are you ever enough?

    Are you ever enough?

    I am fond of the phrase “I am enough.” because it represents a powerful statement of intent and acceptance. That simple phrase lets me know that whatever journey I am on and whatever goals I am working towards, where I stand in THIS moment is right where I need to be and all that I am is enough.

    It’s funny how the world forces us to enrich our souls with these mantras because life has a way of literally picking away at our confidence and belief in self. Just look at it, our salaries and job titles can give us some insight into where we think we are in life. Our possessions apparently should clue us in to our ‘progress’ and our relationships should say something about who we are as people.

    But when is any of that enough or just right? Is it ever perfect?

    I have come to the conclusion that perfect is what you have chosen to live with and also, what may make you happy, in that exact moment. But I’ve also come to realize that perfect, or at least, what any of us may consider perfect is evolving and changes with our perspectives.

    enough

    Reflection

    Recently, while completing appraisals for my team at work, I came upon a very common point of information that I shared with a few people. It is this: the metrics used for the appraisal, are not meant to define who we are, forever and ever. In fact, as most appraisals are a retrospective, look back, metrics only measure who you were over a period of time. Therefore they can change and will continue to change as we learn more and grow.

    It’s always tempting to use the yard sticks provided to us by jobs or resumes or any process that requires us to self-reflect, to determine who we are, in a very definitive way.  When really, all they ever do is check our temperature, in the moment and provide insight into where we are at that point. They do little to determine our future outcome and in reality, they shouldn’t.

    When it Matters

    In my most vulnerable moments I will ask myself  “have I done enough?” and invariably the answer will be a resounding ‘not quite!’.  That pressure is compounded by the weight of other people’s expectations and assumptions of who and where you should be, at a particular time and stage in your life.

    I’m at that juncture where people now have those expectations, but looking back, I realize that it was always that way. We call it different things: ambition, aspiration, dreams, encouragement. But you come to realize that those ambitions don’t seem to end with a singular accomplishment, or new phase of life. Basically, what is considered enough by everyone outside of your self is a moving target and it’s always about what’s next.

    By following this ‘dictate’, sometimes I can’t seem to reside in an accomplishment or new phase, because, even within a moment of exuberance, it’s just never enough. Yet I know now, more than ever the value of enjoying and living within those moments of accomplishments.

    enough

    Slippery Slope

    The temporary and transient nature of satiety, at least, relating to that feeling of what I will call ‘enoughness’ is so fickle. It can last as long as it takes for an order from amazon.com to land on your doorstep and the euphoria you felt discovering it wanes immediately after the unboxing.

    What drives us to acquire is sometimes summing ourselves up and deciding that maybe that one item will make it complete, or better. Maybe after this purchase, I will be enough, even for a short period. Like most drug induced highs, it simply doesn’t last and can never be recaptured, no matter how hard we may try.

    The best we can do therefore is to walk in the knowledge that even if we aren’t quite right, we are exactly what we need to be, right now. And until the perfect equilibrium moment arrives, hold on.

    I’m holding on.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    In the continued spirit of refresh and declutter, I continue this series with a note to self on how to free up my mental and emotional space from thoughts that otherwise bog me down. Consider this the mental declutter for the year ahead.

    via GIPHY

    Nothing like committing to ‘New Year, New Me’, then end up getting trapped by your old mindset and lethargy.

    You know, the old habits, pathologies and fears that challenge our basic ability to change our circumstances, year after year. The thing is, most of these obstacles are within our control but as soon as the new car smell of the ‘new year’ wears off every dream and aspiration gets shunted.

    I have learned a thing or two about making new year plans and goals doable and one of the most potent was a lesson from 2020, which was to start early!

    Whatever you intend to do, actively start working towards it as soon as the new year has begun, when the motivation is ripe. And if 2020 is anything to go by, you never know what could happen after the first 3 months of the year.

    I cannot stress enough that the insights I am about to share are a ‘note to self’ as the reset in my thinking and attitude is an ongoing process for which I have to continuously recommit.

    For this year, I aim to be even more intentional about safeguarding my mental wellbeing and I hope that reaffirming these mantras/actions will keep that commitment in check.

     

    Embrace Rejection

    It’s ironic that I’m choosing to ‘embrace rejection’ even as the nature of it is the complete opposite but my thinking around this has been framed by my experience with being rejected in multiple ways and also overcoming that.

    via GIPHY

    Of course I hate rejection, in all its forms, from the subtle erasure you may experience when you realize that you are not ‘that friend’ to someone you are close to or the hurt associated with not getting something that I wanted.

    But what has been a salve in dealing with rejection is accepting and understanding that it is not failure, even if the sum total appears that way. Instead, I genuinely see rejection as redirection and I refuse to see it otherwise. Owning my destiny means that the ultimate result of any situation that does not appear to work in my favour initially, will, eventually.

    Rejection is number one on this list because the way it happens in our lives is so diverse and multifaceted and when it does, it can cause much consternation and confusion.

    I keep reminding myself: I am not for everyone and everything is not for me. Redirection allows me to find my way and my tribe.

     

    I’m not the ‘Good Guy’

    One of the greatest life lessons I came to terms with in my life in 2020 was the fact that I am a villain in someone’s story.

    I am ok with that.

    It was funny to discover that in one instance there was a whole storyline which clearly set me up as the evil, bad guy with all my nuanced and idiosyncratic characteristics, neatly checked off. On paper I was the bad guy and to anyone listening (without clarification, not to mention all the embellishment and fabrication) I was the perfect Disney antagonist.

    via GIPHY

    However I was aware of my intent as well as everything that ordered my actions within the context of those retellings and most importantly, my conscience was free and clear.

    Accept and Move On

    I no longer worry about the fact that people think of me in one way or another because at the end of the day, I can only do me and where I make a mistake or foul up, I simply aim to do better another day.

    It can be a rude awakening when you realize that there are people who think of you as ‘toxic’. Well, it’s time to get over yourself, own that toxicity and keep on living anyway. It can be an indictment against ourselves when we walk around always believing that we are the ‘Good Guy’.

    It’s damaging, because while in your heart and actions you are a good person, telling yourself that and choosing to disbelieve that someone can consider you otherwise, can immediately make you a victim of circumstance. In fact if statements like “But I didn’t do anything to that person” or “I don’t trouble people” become part of your reaction to malice or bad actions against you then you should do a self-check.

    We have no control over how people perceive us beyond the superficial and regardless of how you present yourself to the world there will always certainly be differing viewpoints about who you ‘really are’. People have opinions and sometimes ‘they feel away’ about you the moment you walk into a room. Don’t let that stop you from being great!

     

    Just Do it anyway

    There is so much going on and when the going gets tough, it’s sometimes easy to account for all of those other things and just throw your hands up in defeat. But my new attitude will be “Do it Anyway!”

    Whether in fear or full of nerves, whatever we want to accomplish, will be on the other side of that trepidation. Some of the most fulfilling experiences and outcomes I’ve had in my life have been as a result of me just deciding to do it anyway.

    This is the attitude I have when it comes to work and getting projects completed therefore I’ve decided to adopt this principle, with as much seriousness when it comes to my own pursuits.

    Can’t count how many times I’ve set goals and every possible reason comes up why I could never accomplish it and then, the time goes by without anything to show.

    Every time I express my thoughts in one of these blogs there is that question of whether it is good enough or if it will add value. I’m not always sure of the answer to either of those questions but I press publish anyway because I rather have it published than wonder about what could have been.

    Final Word

    I am doing the best I can, as are all of us. I am figuring it out, planning, writing it down and charting my course.

    Share with me some of things you plan to clear up.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Digital Declutter: How to cleanup your email inbox for good!

    Digital Declutter: How to cleanup your email inbox for good!

     We are at the start of a new year and it’s as good a time as any to declutter different areas of our lives. For the month of January, I will be sharing a few insights on how we can all refresh our outlooks and spaces. I will begin this process with a digital decluttering exercise for email.

     

    cleanup mail

    Do you dread opening your primary email app because of the amount of unread messages that are there? Have you simply turned off your notifications because you’ve lost control of all the messages that have flooded your inbox and you never got around to checking them?

                                 

    Don’t despair there’s hope and with simple proactive steps you can get your email lives under control. It is overwhelming enough dealing with work emails, so it is understandable if your personal email inbox is a mess.

    I got smart about email management a few years ago when after having my Gmail account for just over 13 years (early adopter) I realized that I was almost out of space. This surprised me for a number of reasons as one of the primary draws for Gmail back in the day was the fact that their storage was almost infinite (jokes).

    email cleanup

    One advantage I’ve had is that every time gmail added a new feature, I did my best to understand what it was, how it worked and how it could impact how I used the service. So if I realized that it worked against my typical email behaviour, I would just ignore it.

    Disclaimer, most of my specific email decluttering tips are applicable to gmail users, which may actually not matter much seeing that when gmail entered the market in 2005, most other providers gradually started to emulate its functionalities and even layout.

    And for those of you who might ask, why not just buy additional email storage space if I run out? Well if you are a power user and that’s something you want to do, go ahead. But as for me and my house, we declutter and use what we have, for free!

     

    Check notifications

    This first tip has nothing to do with your inbox at all and is one of the more proactive steps you can take in dealing with email clutter. When you join any new social network or app, first thing you should do is check the notifications settings. Most services allow you to determine the type and frequency of correspondence they send you.

    For example, Facebook allows you to send push notifications to their app or on the website itself for most things. Otherwise you can choose to only receive emails for specific things relating to your account. This also applies to other platforms like Twitter, so you can basically set it up so that you only receive important emails from these platforms that have to do with your account security and nothing else. This is convenient and prevents some of that unnecessary email clutter to begin with.

     

    Remove Email Categories

    In 2013 google introduced the promotions tab to gmail as part of a set of automatic categories that would organise incoming email into different segments/tabs. It was their attempt to help us all make our email inboxes feel a bit lighter. The automatically generated promotions and social tabs have since become a standard part of any new gmail account created and typically siphons off emails from social networks or subscription emails from mass mailers etc.

    As soon as the feature was introduced I ditched it by going into my inbox settings and removing it. I have done the same for every other gmail account I have created since. See how to remove them here.

    Why?

    Because, if important emails come in and go into these tabs, I’ll probably not take the time to click and sort through them. Secondly, I prefer to see and know what I am getting in my email all in one place. So instead of going through, basically three different inboxes, created with the use of these tabs, I simply check one. A lot less work and a more streamlined way of dealing with message organisation.

    Ditch the tabs!

    Unsubscribe from unwanted emails

    A few years ago I started to receive random emails from companies I never subscribed to. For a while it weirded me out because I honestly thought someone was deliberately adding me to different company email lists (probably). As I painstakingly unsubscribed from every new company welcoming me to their service, I also started to take a closer look at the other subscriptions that I had actually signed up for.

    When it came time to clear space I realized that while these emails may not count for much in terms of storage space, they were still clutter that added up, overtime.

    So I started looking at the pattern of company emails I was receiving to get a better sense of the volume of messages and it was shocking!

    During peak shopping seasons for example, there were companies who would send me up to two emails per day for two weeks straight.

    It was ridiculous, so those subscriptions had to go!

    I started to take an even closer look at email behaviour from companies I wanted to receive emails from and adjusted my subscriptions where possible or unsubscribed completely. Some company emails allow you to select the frequency at which you receive them such as once monthly or every now and then.

    Unsubscribe to your heart’s content and stop some of those incessant and probably unread messages. The reality is, we are constantly changing and sometimes, the need you had for subscribing to some of these services has passed and let’s be real, as much as you would want to, you are not going to go back and read through all those past emails.

    The ‘unsubscribe link’ can usually be found at the bottom of most emails you receive from companies and is a pretty standard feature. In fact, if you are regularly receiving emails from a company that does not contain an unsubscribe link, that should be cause for concern.

    Delete old messages and conversations

    This tip is a follow on to the previous about your subscriptions and also takes it a step further with how to deal with other messages.

    So you have identified emails that you want to unsubscribe from and you have gone ahead and unsubscribed, now is your chance to remove all that old stuff. A quick and easy way to get rid of these messages is to temporarily create a filter. The email filters are a neat way to choose what happens to emails when they come into your inbox and allows you to choose the specific parameters which can be either an email address, a name or specific words and/or phrases.

    Once you choose the identifier and you create the filter you then choose what happens to messages that match the criteria. Gmail provides a number of options (shown below) that you can choose which include, forwarding the messages, labelling it, sending it to categories, or deleting it.

    email cleanup

    See how to create an email filter in gmail here.

    In this case, the option would be to delete the messages. However there is an additional option that allows you to apply the filter to matching conversations that are already within your inbox. In one fell swoop, you will instantly remove years of subscription emails, instead of painstakingly going through and deleting in batches of 100 which is the maximum you would be able to manually select on the gmail desktop using search.

    When you are done, delete the filter then go into your trash and permanently remove the messages.

    An additional pro tip, make this an annual thing by routinely removing these subscription emails at the end of each year.

    Removing other Messages and Conversations

    Now using the process I just outlined you can go ahead and remove entire histories from your email inbox. So emails from those old relationships, friendships or pesky work related items that you may have sent to yourself or had sent to your email, just because? Create filters by name or email, and remove them all!

     email cleanup

    I briefly relived some very painful moments when I went through long past emails and removed entire conversations, but it was the right thing to do.

    It was also surprising the amount of space decade old chain messages took up in my mailbox.

    To get rid of these, create a filter that picks up on emails based on their size that will bring up all messages that contain attachments over a certain size and delete them instantly to free up space.

     

    Delete old sent messages

    Here’s a revelation: We are usually the ones who create the junk that we carry around. The baggage and the waste that we hang on to, was indeed, of our own making. So what can we do?

    Purge!

    Go through your sent messages and remove those emails with attachments that you sent. The sent message search box in gmail is marvelous and allows you to search emails for different periods or one set by you. In addition you can search specifically for emails with attachments and also the type of attachments.

    You would be surprised how many emails with large attachments you have sent that are clogging your inbox right now. Go through it and remove all that junk.

    Setup auto forwards

    Finally, another way to reduce and even prevent unnecessary email is by using filters to forward messages to other email accounts. I have a primary email account but I also have other email accounts that I use. There are times when based on commitments such as clubs or other activities I participate in, there’s need for large quantities of emails to be sent.

    For example, as a Toastmaster I have played various roles which often times require the use of high volumes of emails that are regularly sent. I use my main email for membership purposes but sometimes this address is also shared with local and regional Toastmasters teams.

    Instead of attempting to go through the confusion of notifying all these teams of the new email, I simply create a filter and have all emails coming from the team forwarded to a designated Toastmasters gmail account that I created separately. In addition, I also create a rule to delete all forwarded emails from my main inbox.

    Visit here to see how to automatically forward gmail messages to another account.

    Final word

    I hope this information will assist you in decluttering your email and digital life. Let me know if you find any of this useful!

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Taking Care of What Matters

    Taking Care of What Matters

    It’s taken me a while to write this blog. Since my last post in March of this year, I have drafted several others, which I never got around to publishing. The timing has just never felt right based on everything that was happening.

    And though I know that COVID and everything that the pandemic has wrought is a completely valid excuse, I’m also keeping myself accountable where it matters.

    Early on I realized that there was an underlying and unspoken anxiety that accompanied this pandemic and affected most of us, regardless of whether we actually contracted the virus or not.

    It was just the tension around all the uncertainty that the pandemic brought with it and especially the upheaval it’s caused to the lives of so many people. Being expected to function, like normal and perform at the highest level at work and in life, is not as easy as it seems.

    Awakening

    My own eye opener came just about 7 months after the beginning of this whole thing, when I started to feel generally unwell. No, I hadn’t contracted COVID but all that pent up anxiety and the lethargy it set off within me, finally caught up.

    self care

    For some people, they have been coping by exercise and generally making an effort to be more active. That however, has not been my coping strategy and instead I simply threw myself into work and tried to be as occupied as possible.

    While I remained aware of the underlying anxiety, I never fully owned up to the ripple effects it was causing in other areas of my life which mushroomed over time.

    So when I finally decided to visit my doctor and I received a blood pressure reading that was too high for comfort, I knew that something had to give. The visit also forced me to acknowledge that I had not been sleeping as well as I should. The result of all this was a cascade of small maladies that pretty much meant that I was doing myself a disservice, the opposite of self-care.

    Getting There

    I’m already taking corrective measures which includes taking proactive steps to get better quality sleep, I’ve altered my eating habits, started an exercise routine in the gym and I now make deliberate efforts to actually relax more.

    That said, I have also started to take stock of some of the other aspects of my life that I can control. There are a few things that I have become much more intolerant of during this time.

    Protecting my Peace

    Now more than ever I am fully invested in protecting my peace from people, places, emotions and things that could possibly heighten my stress levels or otherwise make me uncomfortable.

    I’m a bit more sensitive to people in my life who selfishly try to fill my well with their issues while never considering or even seeking to find out about the load I may be carrying. I am a limited resource and therefore, I will not allow others to use me up.

    Self-care is as much about eating well and relaxing as it is about ensuring that the energy that I surround myself with is just right.

    Reading has always been escapism for me, but now even more so because my mind seems to always be ON. Slowly plodding my way through books has been a respite and though sometimes television time steals some of that time, I’m recalibrating the balance needed.

    Patience all around

    Probably the greatest lesson I’ve absorbed this year, is the importance and value of being patient and gentle with myself, more tolerant even. With the world just doing its best to survive in this very weird and troubling time, it does not work in my favour to torture myself about my perceived shortcomings.

    self care

    I did a few online courses and they were helpful but this idea that I needed to use this moment to become something else, betrayed the fact that just by doing my job and so much more, during a difficult time, is in itself an accomplishment.

    I’m happy to be on the mend but the important thing about this shift is that it feels like it’s the big one that I will actually stick with.

    Pray me up.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Conquering your Fear of Public Speaking

    Conquering your Fear of Public Speaking

    If you’ve been a reader of this blog for some time, or if you know me, you would have picked up that I am a Toastmaster and a fan of public speaking.

    Working in communications, specifically radio, gave me practice using my voice, but joining the professional organisation known as Toastmasters International helped me to refine my presentation skills, even more.

    I recently had the opportunity to share some of my personal insights on public speaking on the Creatives on Fire podcast with Nadine Tomlinson – you can listen here.

    We had a fun conversation about public speaking, and I sought to address how persons can better embrace instead of fear these opportunities whenever they arise.

    Listening back to the conversation I realized that there are a few takeaways that have helped me immensely over the years.

    Where it all Began

    I can distinctly remember the first time I realized that just because I am articulate on the radio it didn’t automatically make me a good public speaker.

    It was during a public speaking workshop no less, where participants were being taken through the paces of sharing stories at the lectern. We were all tasked with preparing a brief speech about something of interest to us (if memory serves). I prepared something on paper and was mostly clear on how I was going to present it, however before we presented, our trainers provided insight on public speaking best practice.

    I had my draft speech all wrong and wanted to make changes to ‘improve it’.

    Well, I made my changes as best I could, however I had little to no time to really familiarize myself with the narrative.

    I went up to the lectern and I was completely stumped!

    What made this even worse was the fact that those who went before me were just about flawless in their presentations and even received commendations but I sunk like a deflated balloon.

    Nightmare!

    I experienced the deadliest cocktail of dread any person who fears public speaking could ever undergo:

    • Standing at a microphone facing a large group of people
    • I wasn’t sure of my material
    • Followed speakers who were really good
    • Embarrassed and blubbering

    That feeling of standing before an expectant audience, knowing that you are doomed but looking back at the blank faces because you know that they do not want to be in your position and they cannot offer any help.

    It was a public speaking disaster.  I took it in stride and promised to learn from that experience.

    When I was invited to join Toastmasters I was mentally prepared for the journey because I had experienced the worst public speaking fail and lived through it. No way was I going to shrink from an opportunity to do better and be great.

    On the journey as a Toastmaster I’ve learned three important things that I touched on in the podcast that I can speak about more here.

    Fear public speaking? You are not Alone

    If you’re like me, there was a time when the thought of getting up and addressing an audience of more than one person scared you to death. There’s a name for that -Glossophobia or fear of public speaking and it is more common than most of us believe. Appreciating that other people share this fear, I think, is the first step in getting over it. In fact, it may be an opportunity to laugh at yourself and truly come to terms with the experience.

    Think about public speaking from the micro level – every time you utter a word to someone else, it is a form of public speaking. You measure your progression by the growing size of audiences you are comfortably able to address over time. The only way you will be able to do this, is to get practice. Start small, start with family, at family gatherings, at church, in class, in your office but don’t take for granted the valuable experience you gain by simply doing it more often. Not only will you get used to public speaking over time, but there’s a high chance that you will learn and also grow.

    Power of the Pause

    I spoke a bit about this during the podcast, how pauses, strategically placed during a speech can elevate your oratorical skills. The next time you happen to hear a well known speaker address an audience, note how many times they make short pauses within the speech.

    Not only does it help them to catch a breath, the pause also engages the audience by allowing them time to think about some of what the speaker is saying. It is not a bad thing, it isn’t awkward when done correctly and as a speaker it also gives you a bit of time to gather your thoughts.

    Be Prepared 

    Finally, one of the most important aspects of public speaking we all seem to forget at some point is the ‘why’ of it all. Why are you standing before your audience and speaking? Of course the nightmare scenario of a request for impromptu speaking is always possible but even then, there is an expectation that you know something.

    In every other instance, the speaker must prepare. Read, memorise, write down, study, whatever you must do to ensure that you are familiar with your subject matter. Preparation helps you to be familiar with the topic, or even the written copy of your speech, but it’s plain common sense.

    Unfortunately, many people get intimidated because they want to be a great impromptu speaker without any experience at all. It really doesn’t work like that and only through doing, practicing, failing and learning will we ever get better at it. I really hope these insights can be useful if you are struggling with public speaking.  Let me know in the comments how you cope with public speaking jitters.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • Letting Go of the Need to Know

    Letting Go of the Need to Know

    It has taken me a long time to learn an important lesson about life and relationships. It is the fact that I do not need to understand or ‘figure out’ why people treat me a certain way.

    I know there’s a popular saying that goes “it’s none of my business what other people think of me,” but I’ve come to realize the value in getting rid of not just the need to know, but the why behind it all.

    There is so much to gain from not having the need to know why people treat you a certain way, especially when it is negative.

    For example, I remember a time when a relationship I was in ended. I was in a lot of pain as I attempted to process everything about the situation. More stressful however, were my attempts to try and figure out why the other person did what they did to hurt me and how they felt about me.

    I became a slave to my ‘need’ for this knowledge, holding it like a warm coal to keep me going, or so I thought. But what I was really doing was placing a burden on myself by trying to discover something that could neither help me nor change what had already happened.

    Can you imagine thinking that knowing why someone ‘broke your heart’ would free you? Yes, it took me a minute.

    Another instance was when a long time ‘friend’ slowly drifted away. They stopped communicating with me, acted like I was the one who made the 180 degree move and went silent, when all I did was follow their lead.

    For years I racked my brain trying figure out what changed? What did I do? What expectation did I not live up to?

    I was hurt.

    It gets Better

    In both situations I was at the mercy of this supposed obligation on my part. Trying to figure out people’s motivation, like a private eye and lawyers piecing together a murder mystery to ascertain motive. But all that was burdensome and simply made me sad.

    So over time I realized that it was fruitless and counterproductive.

    Knowing would not help me anyway and was needlessly tying me to people who really couldn’t care less about me.

    The decision therefore was for me to let go and free myself from this need.

     

     

    Almost instantly I realized the freedom there was, in not having to know why a person treated me a certain way.

    After having a quiet conversation with my ego I also acknowledged that rejection in any form is painful, but it’s also complete, no follow up answer necessary.

    I didn’t need an explanation of the other person’s ‘why’ to move on with my life. In fact, the sooner I let go of that notion, the quicker my freedom will come. Sure, the questions may linger at the back of my mind, but I refuse to be burdened by the need to know.

    Many of us fall into the trap when mourning relationships of trying to figure out the ‘why’ of it all – “why did this person choose to push me aside why does this person treat me a certain way?”

    But this gets us nowhere because it doesn’t change the reality of the rejection and it doesn’t free us from the memory of that hurt. So then what?

    It’s simply not wise to belabour the point.

     Much Better

    The other side of this coin has made my life so much more glorious!

    Listen, when people choose to walk away, I don’t even ask two times why and I refuse to worry about it.

    I’m good. Do you boo!

    If excommunicating me from your life is a positive life decision for you, I don’t need to be told twice. *peace*

    In the same vein, if people treat me a certain way, I am not trying to be their therapist. If it is too much for me to handle, then I’ll handle accordingly. Life’s too short trying to always question why people make certain uncomfortable decisions.

    I recognised just how powerful this stance is when I had to caution my closest friend on many occasions. She was always trying to figure out the thinking behind her tormentor’s motivations.

    “How could they think and behave the way they do?”

    I was always there to reminder her: “That’s not your concern and should not get in the way of your healing and progress, so keep it moving.”

    This was not her battle nor was it beneficial to her, attempting to know that. We live, we learn.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Kevin

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