I have this unwritten rule when it comes to my relationships – personal, professional or otherwise:
“The more often that someone has to tell me ‘sorry’ is the more I have to consider the merit of our relationship.”
Experience and history has taught me that if there’s that one person in your life who always has to be apologising for something, it may be time to let them go.
Obviously this rule isn’t absolute and I’m quite sensitive to nuance, however I am guided by this principle when it comes to people’s behaviour.
I learned this lesson from my last serious relationship, a LONG time ago… You’re with someone who after a while needs to constantly be reassuring and apologising to you for some malfeasance, then it may be time to take a serious look at what’s really going on.
The thing is it may not even be about the person. That person may for all intents and purposes be doing their best, within the scope of what their ‘best’ is.
Regardless, even at your worst, their best may not be simpatico with what you need in your life.
Password: sorry
Professionally, the same applies. If someone is constantly messing up, to the point where they are always apologising, over time, I become less invested in that association or its credibility. It’s about trust and reliability.
My problem with it is persons use the word sorry as a password that is loaded with expectation. Some of the common expectations are:
“You should forget about what I did”
“It should never ever be mentioned”
“We should act like it never happened”
“It’s not reasonable for you to expect this to be a lesson”
“I’m sorry but please don’t remind me why I should do better”
Some people will say sorry grudgingly but really don’t mean it. They only utter the word because they realize that it is the socially acceptable salve for whatever, circumstance they may have caused to occur.
And worse still are the offenders who should apologise but never do.
Most annoying are the persons who are willing to say sorry, over and over again, while repeating the same infraction, over and over again.
Showing UP
The Jamaican saying is ‘take sleep mark death’ and I take that to heart when it comes to people’s consistency.
At the end of the day, it is about how people show up in our lives. Showing up is a term I’ve become more familiar with as I get older. It has taken on added importance, because once you’re out of school and you become an adult, people have to make a much more deliberate effort to mean anything in your life by ‘Showing Up’.
How many times have you had that good ‘work’ friend and the moment you leave or they leave that place of employment the ‘friendship’ dies?
The things they do and say to make their presence known in your life, are important. If that continues to be problematic, then gird your loins.
This whole thing about showing up I’ve come to realize is also important because the people who are consistent, supportive, unwavering and real, tend to be the ones I value.
It’s the process of knowing and appreciating these people that allows me to let those who don’t show up fall by the wayside.
It’s all connected.
Forgiveness
I’m still learning to navigate forgiveness and I have grown and gotten better at managing expectations of people. Maturity has afforded me more insight on how to deal with people. I now know that it is possible to forgive but own the fact that the person is not going to hold the same place in my life.
That is absolutely ok, if the situation necessitates it.
Too often, in the name of forgiveness and maturity, we are forced to play the role of ‘forgive and forget’ and act like it didn’t happen.
Accepting the imperfections of being human, I get. People won’t get it right all the time, and that’s fine. However there’s a line that needs to be drawn in the sand when you realize that people just aren’t trying anymore.
Honesty and Communication
You know, as hard as it may be, all this ‘saying sorry’ can largely be prevented if people choose to be open communicators and commit to honesty. It sounds simple but I realize it’s difficult, because honesty is not as easy as those “Say it with your chest” tweets would have us all believe.
It’s uncomfortable being honest all the time, because it usually means that someone else’s feelings may get hurt. On the flip side, being honest guarantees that persons are always aware of where you are.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
Kevin
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