To Have or Have Not: Children

I’ve often pondered some of the reasons I’ve decided not to have children, or in the Jamaica parlance pertaining to men and children “get any.”

One of my reasons was pretty blunt – children are a premium I don’t wish to pay during my journey through life.

But my reason for not wanting to have my own children, have opened my eyes to a number of other wide ranging issues around childbearing and how it all relates to our life choices.

I believe children are ALWAYS a blessing, just usually ill-timed and sometimes inconvenient, for some. My contention has always been that an ill-timed child could throw a person’s life (especially the mothers’) off course.

Multiple children could make a bad situation even worse – Lost educational opportunities, career opportunities, money opportunities, progress and independence.

Light Bulb Moment

And then I realized something…

There are many women who have been able to make a successful go at life with their children in tow. Single motherhood, teenage pregnancy or multiple pregnancies, did not prove to be inherent progress blockers.

So to the crux of my epiphany…

We are the only ones standing in the way of our own progress and living our Best Lives!

The Sacrifice

The decision to have or not have children is catalytic for me because I’ve always seen parenthood as a speed bump or roadblock on a path to some yet unnamed multi-hyphenate future life (noting as well that for some, Parent is a desired title).

But I’ve seen both sides of the coin, people who have one child, or a bunch and never reach a personal milestone beyond the ‘mundanity’ of survival and others who achieved great things despite parenthood.

You may be wondering why I’ve chosen to juxtapose life goals with parenthood and specifically motherhood. This is due in part to that fact that I was raised by a single mother and I have a number of single mothers in my family.  I’ve often contemplated, what could’ve been different for each of these women had they not had children in the single parent context.

But a new thought has also occurred to me: would ‘not having’ children have made a huge difference in how their lives played out? Would they have become CEO’s or small business owners?

We may never know but what I do know is that ambition, dreams, the will to succeed and to grow beyond your ‘normal’, is only dimmed by death, not children.

What a Privilege

I readily accept my privilege as a man and acknowledge that my decision to not have children is taken in a completely different context, when compared to a woman making the same declaration.

Our societies make harsh demands on women, even when married, about the when and why of having children.

Even if I chose to have children, society holds that I am not the pregnant one so nuance dictates that I didn’t have a child, I ‘got one’.

So to some fathers, it means an understood relationship where the man is positioned as a provider and not necessarily a caregiver.

I’m looking beyond that and acknowledging that parenthood, for whom ever takes on the responsibility wholeheartedly is a BIG DEAL and a lifelong responsibility.

Whether we regard children as an obstacle or a blessing, like any other challenge in life, we progress by surmounting them. We keep pushing and keep moving because it’s what life is about.

Having to raise children is not an excuse for not living the life you want. Just as how not having a ‘good’ early home life should not determine your future, children are not an impediment.

Life Comes at you fast

But let’s take it a step further, beyond children and look at any challenging circumstance life throws in our path. Reality is, if we have the will and the determination, we will make a way.

One of my favourite quotes from the book Who Moved my Cheese, by Spencer Johnson is “when you change what you believe, you change what you do.”  I believe.

I may yet soften to the idea of having children of my own, but until then, my God children, nieces and nephews will suffice.

Hats off to all the parents who are doing the best they can and building a life for their children and their future. You are all heroes!

Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

Kevin

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