Adulting isn’t easy and it seems that for some of us, the older we get the more the challenges might grow or they may just become more complicated.
I’m no different and it has taken becoming a grown man for me to begin to get a grip of my mental health. I have tried to be very proactive when it comes to my overall ‘health’ in terms of getting the annual check-up, running the tests when necessary and even doing exercise.
However, the mental health part has always been left to sort itself out or hopefully get resolved when I relaxed. But the maintenance and the check-in as opposed to ‘check-up’ never really happened because, how exactly is that done anyway?
And while having deep and meaningful conversations with loved ones can be helpful, and for sure, helps to release some built up pressure, ultimately, it’s not usually enough. Why? Because, sometimes, those who know us, bring their own biases, misconceptions and own perception of you to the table and therefore may not be able to truly ‘see you’ in a moment.
There is also the weariness of managing other people’s emotion around your own issue that can itself become a burden. In fact, it’s tiring sometimes just having certain conversations and disclosing some things, so why bother?
The Silence
The other part of adulting that coalesces with mental health is the silence of it all. Yes, you can have friends and a million things to take up your time, but eventually, you are left with the silence and in those moments you have to deal with the real stuff – the bills, the plans, the future, the outcomes the expectations, etc.
Nobody else can address that silence but you and honestly, it can be an extremely isolating place. Imagine, dealing with the turmoil of your burgeoning adulthood, observing everyone else handling their own ‘growth’ but there you are with your own silence trying to figure out the reality that is the rest of your life?
Better description: imagine screaming at the top of your lungs and knocking on a glass door looking out at the world go by, hoping that someone sees or hears or even notices, only to realize that they can’t see you and you still have to be present, while screaming in silence, still…
A Solution
Thankfully there’s therapy, which to me is a form of maintenance that I wish we could all access easily. Unfortunately, aside from some the negative perceptions around mental health care and even therapy, the cost for access, can be prohibitive to most.
I’ve decided to add therapy to my health maintenance schedule and I begin soon. I am looking forward to what the experience will be like and also the tools I’ll hopefully receive to address my silence and the turmoil, because a LOT is unfolding.
There’s always a lot of talk about self-care but I’ve come to learn that it means different things to different people and for me therapy is the ultimate upkeep and self-care activity.
I don’t have to be in crisis to check-in, I just need to get a sense of where I am and where I will be going. Also the potential of getting centred and focused on the various issues I am navigating provide some amount of comfort that I appreciate.
I am hopeful.
As always…
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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If I could travel back in time, I would tell my 14 year old self that when we become an adult, people will randomly compliment us on how good our skin looks.
The fact is, back then, in the late 90’s, I couldn’t fathom this reality because I thought my skin, especially the skin on my face, was the worst! This wasn’t because I had severe acne issues (although I would get a breakout here and there) however back then, ‘cool’ looking skin was in and I had a perpetual shine/sheen.
By cool, I mean inhumanly dry skin, which typically would be caused by genetics or frigid winters. Either way that was the goal of the boys and girls in high school, a determination to constantly look ‘cool’ with matte skin, sans makeup, of course.
They typically achieved this using one of two products: Noxzema or blue cake soap.
But with age and time I have grown to love my semi-oily skin with its constant sheen. Now instead of referring to it as just shiny, people comment on my glow.
Before I could finally get a handle on my skin, I had to appreciate it for what it was and understand what it actually needed.
The Secret
Several older folks have shared that the ‘secret’ to supple and youthful looking skin, way into old age is “moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!” I’ve also found that protecting your skin from the sun is an important habit for long term health, not just to stave off premature aging but sunburn and skin cancer.
Sun kissed and unfiltered – Me
So while only a handful of people have ever asked, I am sharing some of the ingredients of my skin and body care regimen. And while genetics probably plays a role in my ‘good looking’ skin, it only goes so far without care.
My Regimen
Before I get down to the individual items, I want to share a bit of insight into my basic skin care routine. Additionally, I want to make it clear that I am not giving advice about your skincare. I’m sharing details about the products that I’ve used with the hope that you may discover something that can also help you.
I follow the tried and true formula: Cleanse, Tone, Moisturize, sun protection + extras and exfoliation thrown in every now and again. This is largely what works for me as it is basic enough to follow and covers all the important must-dos.
There are also some other products I include for maintenance, especially as I sit on the precipice of age 40.
Just so you know, some of the product links below are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.
Cleanse
The first step in the routine is cleansing and for that I’m currently keeping it very simple. My main go-to cleansing product is the Neutrogena Deep Clean Daily Facial Cleanser. I’ve also been known to use Ari Sulphur acne treatment soap, which is a Jamaican made product. Both are available in local pharmacies at quite reasonable prices. Both have anti-acne ingredients that help to treat or prevent those random adult breakouts.
Regardless of what cleanser you choose, key to that process are the items you use to apply them to your skin and the Buf-Puf facial sponge does it better than most!! The sponges come in extra-gentle, gentle and regular texture and really help to distribute the cleanser across my skin, while gently removing dead skin.
Toner
When it comes to using toners I have to admit that I have been a bit less consistent than I would want to be. However I have used either a glycolic acid based toner or my new fave the CeraVe Hydrating Toner which is loaded with the good stuff: 3 essential ceramides, hyaluronic acid and niacinamide. Most importantly it’s alcohol and fragrance free and helps maintain moisture in my skin, which becomes more important as you age. Paula’s Choice also makes a pretty good product but it’s a bit pricey for me.
Moisturizer
I typically use a vitamin c infused facial moisturizer but it has been discontinued so I am transitioning to the Cetaphil Daily Hydrating lotion for face with hyaluronic acid.
In the meantime, a staple in my routine over the past 4 years has been the Nivea Men Sensitive Face Lotion with SPF 15 broad spectrum sunscreen. This serves two purposes: it moisturizes and provides sunscreen protection.
And while I love the convenience of using a moisturizer that has SPF protection, I like the flexibility of having a standalone moisturizer for those days I don’t actually get sun exposure.
Sun Protection
As I said previously, I have been using an SPF infused face lotion for a while, so I only ever used a standalone sunscreen when I go to the beach. That said I recently got the Banana Boat light as air facial sunscreen at 50+ SPF. It goes on easy and there is no annoying white cast when you use it so it’s simple to apply over my facial moisturizer.
I am also testing out the Cerave Mineral Sunscreen SPF 30 for face which has the typical infusion of skin friendly ingredients the brand is known for and is suitable for sensitive skin.
The Extras
This is my favourite part because these products are the ‘in-betweeners’ of my routine and have proven to be life changing.
Eye Cream
I fell in love with eye creams ever since I got a free sample from a Kiehl’s store in the US. Since then I have been using different types, specifically creams with caffeine that add a little zing. Recently I discovered a new product that specifically targets dark circles under my eyes – Cardon Dark Circle Eye Rescue.
I decided to seek out a product like this after doing a photo shoot last year and realizing that whenever I had makeup applied under my eyes, it evened out my entire face. The dark areas under my eyes, created a shadow on my face that basically adds a completely different dimension to my appearance. This eye rescue worked exactly as promised and overtime it has reduced the dark areas under my eyes and removed any puffiness. For what you get, it’s a little pricey but it is completely worth it and will also last a while. Finally, I typically use this before applying moisturizer.
Masks
I use masks occasionally, especially when I have been undergoing a bit more stress than usual and need to give myself some added care. The two masks I currently use are made by a local brand Earth Elements and I use both at different times, depending on my mood and what I am trying to adjust in my skin.
On days when I just need some nourishment, I use the Matcha Green Tea Clay Face Mask that goes on smooth and leave my skin feeling refreshed.
When I want to calm my skin down I choose the Glacial Clay Facial Mask which has a pleasant cooling and tightening effect. It also goes on smooth and leaves my skin feeling not only tighter but soft and supple.
Lip Care
In all things skin, our lips are often overlooked, at our own peril. I have learned from experience that lips need all the love and licking them a million times a day just won’t cut it, so I am always trying out new lip balms. Among the best I’ve ever used is the Kiehl’s Lip Balm #1.
Using this kept my lips plump and healthy, no stripping in sight and I never had to worry about dryness. And while the price is not the most affordable, my only other drawback was the sheen of the balm itself when applied to my lips – it will give your lip a healthy but distracting shine, which may be triggering to some people who feel that men’s lips should only be a muted matte, not shiny (I have the reactions and comments to prove it).
On the other side is another fave, Jack Black’s Intense Therapy Lip Balm which also comes loaded with SPF 25 skin protection! Love the way these smell and how long they last, plus they don’t leave any pesky white residue on your lips.
My most affordable and accessible go-to lip balm is Burt’s Bees specifically the rescue balm series with turmeric. I always keep a few of these around because they do the job and prevent my lips from cracking.
After Shave Serum
I shave my head and facial hair myself, so I seldom visit an actual barber. In fact in the past 3 years I’ve only gone to a barber once. The Cantu Shea Butter post-shave soothing serum is my go to whenever I shave. It soothes all that shaved skin and has an understated fragrance.
A little goes a long way and it usually lasts a while and it is widely available so you can pick it up at any well-stocked pharmacy or beauty supply store.
Resurfacing Retinol Serum
Another serum which I swear by is the CeraVe Resurfacing Retinol Serum which does exactly what its name suggests – helps to reveal smooth layers of your skin while reducing the appearance of pores and left over acne marks.
African Bath Sponge
Finally, couldn’t do a skin upkeep post without mentioning this gem that I discovered last year, on tik tok no less. The African bath sponge is one of the best things I have ever showered with. It’s so good I have pretty much ditched loofah sponges. It exfoliates while keeping you clean and works well with both bar and liquid soaps.
That’s the extent of my current routine and while some of the products may be switched out over time, I keep it simple and sustainable. Regular exercise and water consumption also plays a key role in my skin’s health.
I would love to know what products and routines you all use to make your skin great. Sharing is caring so let me know in the comments!
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We are taught to hate and fear FAILURE. It is so ingrained in our psyche to a certain degree that often times our futures and destiny are tied to our performance in major exams and other tests of skill. Just don’t fail!
I remember the pressure placed on me when I sat the common entrance in primary school, not quite as dramatic as what followed for the next generation that sat the GSAT exam but its results were pivotal enough. This catalytic examination would help to determine if the first decade of my parent’s efforts to raise and educate me was a bust or in the event that I passed, augured well for my future.
Sadly, on the day those results became public, many students had red eyes, weary from crying because they either didn’t hear their names announced or they were sent to schools which were considered an equivalent to failure.
So entrenched is our ideas around failure and the avoidance of it, that the announcement of any list touting which high school in Jamaica is ‘the best’ can cause a melt down across social media, as was recently the case when this report by the Jamaica Education Transformation Commission was released.
Any association with it in our society and even across different cultures, basically assigns you a Scarlett letter that tells the world that you are to be avoided and rejected.
The Results
This rejection of failure, though noble has had some unintended consequences for an entire generation of people, some of whom have mastered the idea that they must go through life celebrating (rightfully so their wins) and behave as if they have never failed. Or worse still, act as if failure is impossible, making them infallible.
These people are our relatives, our lovers, our co-workers, bosses and cut across every possible line of individual you interact with on a daily basis.
I have had a difficult time dealing with colleagues who because of their rejection of the possibility that their ideas can fail or have failed, absolutely refuse to accept feedback in a meaningful and constructive way. Then there are others so gun-shy about appearing to, or actually failing, they rather cycle through ideas and concepts without doing something because they are looking for the big hit, sans failures.
It is an impossible race to a bottomless pit dealing with individuals like this who think that failure defines them forever or worse yet, that they are perfect and beyond failure.
Failure is an option
We don’t usually set out to fail when we start something new or with any endeavour we undertake. Reality is, failure can cost us a lot, both in tangible and even intangible ways that over time can take a toll.
But what if we flip the script maybe, failure should be one of the options that we pre-bake into our endeavours to sign post our journey; that jolt of reality to both re-direct and re-energise us on our journey to success.
The famous line from Game of Thrones comes to mind: “Chaos is a Ladder” and for many of us Failure is the ladder because it often pushes beyond wherever we were, to usually better circumstances or new horizons.
There are a number of reasons why I consider failure essential to eventual success and simply a crucial part of life, that try as we might, shouldn’t be feared.
Failure signifies movement
Anyone who is failing at something is also actively attempting to accomplish something and hopefully they will fail, learn, try again, maybe fail again and start over or have success based on what they have learned and applied.
Failure is never the end
Failures are deeply personal however they can serve such a powerful purpose for others. The cautionary tale has done so much for persons who while never experiencing them, have been able to make better decisions from the misadventures of others. Failing at something is never wasted, even if you are not the one to benefit from it.
Your failure is as great as its inverse success
I always take comfort in knowing that as bad as a moment of failure or rejection is, the opposite will be just as overwhelming but without the dread.
Failure is part of the progress
I say ‘the progress’ because there is no rule that states to have progress you must fail, though it could be argued. However within any effort that seeks to gain a state of perfection, there will be a bar of failure that must be overcome. The feeling of never being ‘just right’ has to be satisfied. Working through that feeling, toward the eventual goal will therefore encounter and overcome failures.
Final word
It has taken me years to work through and overcome the hold that failure has had on my psyche. Not the failure itself but the dread, embarrassment and feeling of uselessness. But interestingly enough, it was a big failure that taught me how to work through and overcome the helplessness.
In the valley of a major failing, where my life appeared to lay in ruins before me, and I was overcome with regret and shame, I was able to begin the rebuilding process. With determination and the new found realization that I was on the other side of my worst fear, nothing could stop me.
I entered the next phase of my life with a renewed sense of purpose and achieved my greatest success, up to that point, even surprising myself. To do that, I had to do things I had never done before and take on new habits and prove to myself that I could do it.
Of course, other failures happened in my life, but for the most part I could sometimes predict them based on my own self-limiting behaviour. I never gave up though, and you shouldn’t either.
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The best time of year for me, other than vacation, is the last week of December and the first week of January. It’s normal for me to work during these two weeks because they are a gift in disguise.
This is usually a sweet spot in the work year, when because of the holiday period, vacations and the general transition from old year projects to new year projects, it’s typically a quieter time. This slower pace allows me to get previously forsaken projects done, paperwork sorted and honestly, gives me a moment to simply refocus and recalibrate as I get ready for the upcoming year of activities.
The flip side to this sweet spot is literally every other day of the year when it is go, go, GO!
Let me begin by saying that I do not have the unrealistic expectation for the pace to always be slow, because work is nuanced. There will be busy periods, with some busier than most, however an insidious aspect of this new, pandemic driven world is the need for us to be operating at 110%, all the time, non-stop.
The Great Resignation: New normal?
If you’ve been paying any attention to current affairs over the past 4 months at least, you would’ve probably heard about the Great Resignation which describes the large swathes of workers in the US who are resigning their jobs for various reasons, foremost of which is a need to recalibrate their lives for the post pandemic future.
Workers are leaving their jobs because some have come to the realization that they can get new jobs with better pay, better working conditions, and most importantly, more control over how they balance their work and life.
This article actually explores in even more detail some of the considerations driving persons to leave, formerly ‘ok’ occupations.
They are trading jobs and work place cultures that tell them ‘you have to work yourself to the point of burnout as a matter of course’ and that that is normal, for more favourable opportunities. In 2022 and beyond, people will be seeking jobs that allow them the dignity of making an honest living but also occupations that allow them to have a full life that prioritizes other things, except work.
Free to BE
And guess what? Employees do not what to be made to feel selfish or guilty because they choose their mental health and wellbeing over the constant strain of sometimes, thankless jobs.
It is normal and OK to want a job that pays a decent salary with a fair amount of work as opposed to an all-consuming grind that is perpetually in emergency mode and that you are expected to be ‘grateful’ for, just because it exists.
While some people have chosen to leave, there are millions of others who are still plodding along and being productive in their current roles. They continue to weather the changing ebbs and flow of hard deadlines and evolving challenges to their work life, brought on by the pandemic and other emerging factors
There is in fact a mentality that would rather people shut up, work and be thankful for a job, regardless of the conditions. Now, with more options and a plethora of opportunities, people will be more willing to walk away. Meanwhile, the disengagement and attrition will continue.
Hard work, More work
The unfortunate and oft used statement that the “reward for good work is more work” is coming back to bite many who previously uttered both as a compliment and warning. Workers now see it for what it truly is: the makings of an unhealthy cycle that traps some of the best employees into a never-ending loop of overwork that can seldom be assuaged by monetary reward.
And to be clear, persons who choose not to work to the point of burnout are no less dedicated, efficient or ambitious than anyone else and therefore shouldn’t be demonized because of it.
Not everyone will choose to become entrepreneurs so there will always be a segment of our population that is willing to be employed. It’s therefore only fair that this work life provides adequate space for life beyond but also life within the job.
At a Cross Roads
The pandemic has forced many of us to reconsider what is important and the time may come in the not too distant future for us to assess the toll being taken on our minds and bodies, in order to make a living.
While we ponder, we need to identify cycles and triggers in our work life which could be contributing to potential burnout.
Knowing is half the battle, addressing it head on will help to make a difference.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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In 2019, what I will call the before times, I was very hopeful and aspirational and I put together a list of must read books for that year . On the surface, the list looked and sounded good. I anticipated it would’ve been even easier to get done and complete the reading.
Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out that way and I didn’t complete the reading list. And while I was able to read some additional titles, I just never felt right about not finishing those books. This year I am creating another list, which in addition to my book club selections should make for a rounded reading curriculum.
This time, I’ve decided to be more direct with my choices and I’ll be choosing books that I am not only eager to read but also following my tried and tested method to ensure that I keep my reading habit, consistent: a mix of genres and formats. In addition, I am reading books I already own. This I hope will keep me interested, motivated and most importantly, reading even when I probably feel like I should be doing anything but. And I’m inviting you to read along with me for the entire year!!
As a side bar, I do hope you love my book selections and will be inspired enough to choose a fave or two from the list. Some of the links below are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.
January
My Sister the Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite
I love reading books based in Modern Africa. The colourful and vibrant cultures of the continent can’t help but seep through the pages of books set in Nigeria, Ghana or beyond. This is a book club selection that I felt was serendipitous because I remember reading a preview of this book when it was first released. So I’m looking forward to diving in. This is the only book on my list that I don’t own and will instead be borrowing. Get your copy here.
February
King Leopold’s Ghost by Adam Hochschild
I had previously planned to read this book in 2019 but never worked up the courage to start it, so I intend to make this my February read and truly get into this horrific retelling of the exploits of the King of Belgium in Africa. Get your copy here .
March
Discerner of Hearts by Olive Senior
Olive Senior is one of my ALL-TIME favourite Jamaican authors. Her storytelling reminds me of early mornings in the country, with an enamel cup of mint tea with a lot of sugar. The way she captures experiences, relationships and moments is exquisite. Get your copy here.
April
Feeding the Soul (Because It’s My Business) by Tabitha Brown
I’ve been following Tabitha Brown ever since she debuted on Tik tok in 2020 and I’ve been a fan throughout her rise. I’m looking forward to reading more about her journey and how she’s been able to build her life, so deliberately while exercising so much faith and patience. Get your copy here.
May
The Intuitionist by Colson Whitehead
Ever since I read The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead, I’ve wanted to read something else he’s done. The great thing about his work is that he jumps across multiple genres, which for me, because you never know what to expect. One thing that remains certain, his talent is unmatched. Get your copy here .
June
Motherland by Wandeka Gayle
I purchased this short story collection by Wandeka Gayle based solely on the fact that we went to college together years ago and I have been privy to her journey for years. Seeing this collection actualized was a joy to behold and I cannot wait to dive in. I should also mention that June is #ReadCaribbeanMonth so wanted to ensure that a book by Caribbean writer was the focus. Get your copy here.
July
Robopocalypse: A Novel by Daniel H. Wilson
I’m a fan of apocalyptic stories and I’ve the work of some of the best, so I admit the title caught me but what made this even better, is the fact that Stephen King himself described this book as “Terrific page-turning fun.” That’s an endorsement I can live with. Get your copy here .
August
Psyche by H.G. de Lisser
For the uninitiated, H.G. de Lisser was a Jamaican journalist and author who died in 1944. He left a number of novels and forever immortalized the tale of Annie Palmer, that we have turned into Jamaican folklore, with his book, The White Witch of Rose Hall.
I’m not sure his books are still in circulation because sadly, they never made them into the school curriculum across the Caribbean (or if they did, they are no longer used). I got my copy of Psyche at Bookland in New Kingston.
September
The Pesthouse by Jim Crace
I was on a book haul a few years ago and this book literally called to me and based solely on the description of the story, I decided that I will give it a try. Hoping for the best! Get your copy here.
October
Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell
Any book by Malcolm Gladwell is an easy decision for me and I was intrigued by the premise of this title specifically because I am an introvert who finds it a bit difficult to let strangers in. I’m looking forward to the insights. Get your copy here.
November Book
11/22/63 by Stephen King
There’s a funny story about this book. It was released in 2011 and I pre-ordered a hard cover copy and have owned it ever since but for the life of me, I never got around to reading it. I have read many Stephen King books over the years, but this one has been sitting, until now. Also, I decided to make it the November read because of the title. Get your copy here.
December Book
Barracoon: The Story of the Last “Black Cargo” by Zora Neale Hurston
With a year filled with so many varied stories, I felt it was apt to read the account of the life of the last slave shipped to the USA. I had mentally planned to purchase this book some years ago and then it was gifted to me by surprise, so I know I have to read it. Get your copy here.
Of course, there will be other books in between, some are bonus titles that I need to complete and others that might just pop up. I am bravely making allocation for those and also inviting you all to join me on this journey. Here’s hoping you discover titles that you are interested in reading as well.
What are some of the books you’re planning to read this year?
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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One of the biggest lessons I learned coming out of this past year was the importance of not watering dead plants. I mean this both literally and figuratively, as for a bit, I spent time nurturing plants that simply would not grow (black thumb gardeners can relate).
But to the point, the lesson symbolizes so many things that I pushed energy into that were not feeding my soul in 2021.
Namely, there were alleged friendships and connections that simply were not viable, goals that I just didn’t have the heart to go after, thought processes that held me back and comfort zones that were held in place by fear which served no purpose.
Those Relationships
Sometimes you mean well when it comes to certain people in your life? And even though they show you time and time again that they do not hold you in equal regard, you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt?
I have done that, for a while.
With the toll the pandemic has taken, you get a bit more sensitive to things that make you feel less than and compromised. So if someone is not showing up in your life, it becomes noticeable real quick.
Funny thing also is that even relationships and connections that have been around for a long time tend to show wear and tear with neglect and unreciprocated care.
I haven’t beaten myself up about it, it isn’t a failure just an acknowledgement that those connections are not ‘real’ and that we are not in sync.
And honestly, I am tired.
Message and lesson received.
Dem Goals
There were goals placed on the table well before their time and I held on to a few for longer than I should’ve. Even worse, when I realized they were not going to be realized, I lamented the failing and stressed over it.
For example, I had set some admirable goals in terms of this blog and even reading, as well as others related to certain areas of my life.
So many neat things that I could’ve worked on and get done and in the big mix of a year that was filled with other ‘stuff’, they just didn’t happen.
But delayed doesn’t mean discarded and even in the midst of upheaval that caused shifts in some areas of my life, I still held on to the idea of achieving certain things.
I just have to know when to say: “Maybe next time!”
Breaking Chains
If I thought I was assertive before, this past year taught me that there are levels to standing up for yourself and you will only experience some of these levels when you let go of the fears of propriety and ‘manners’ and just be bold!
Closed mouths don’t get fed and neither are they able to defend you or vocalize what ails you if you remain silent.
Developing the gumption to truly say “this is not for me” and letting go of the fear of repercussions has truly changed my outlook and approach to life.
The Truth
What I have instead come to terms with is something that I recognized about myself as I pondered on 2021.
I am not a failure.
In fact I achieved a number of things I had previously only tentatively considered and I executed these things exactly as I hoped. And all it took was looking back at the year and the areas of my life that I gave focus, to realize.
They were all things that I nurtured and paid attention to, which lets me understand that any goal that I bring to fruition will require my full attention. It will not become reality simply by being on a wishlist.
The true lesson is, what you nurture is what grows. So moving into 2022, I’m going to be focusing heavily on the wins I actually want to accomplish.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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I am fond of the phrase “I am enough.” because it represents a powerful statement of intent and acceptance. That simple phrase lets me know that whatever journey I am on and whatever goals I am working towards, where I stand in THIS moment is right where I need to be and all that I am is enough.
It’s funny how the world forces us to enrich our souls with these mantras because life has a way of literally picking away at our confidence and belief in self. Just look at it, our salaries and job titles can give us some insight into where we think we are in life. Our possessions apparently should clue us in to our ‘progress’ and our relationships should say something about who we are as people.
But when is any of that enough or just right? Is it ever perfect?
I have come to the conclusion that perfect is what you have chosen to live with and also, what may make you happy, in that exact moment. But I’ve also come to realize that perfect, or at least, what any of us may consider perfect is evolving and changes with our perspectives.
Reflection
Recently, while completing appraisals for my team at work, I came upon a very common point of information that I shared with a few people. It is this: the metrics used for the appraisal, are not meant to define who we are, forever and ever. In fact, as most appraisals are a retrospective, look back, metrics only measure who you were over a period of time. Therefore they can change and will continue to change as we learn more and grow.
It’s always tempting to use the yard sticks provided to us by jobs or resumes or any process that requires us to self-reflect, to determine who we are, in a very definitive way. When really, all they ever do is check our temperature, in the moment and provide insight into where we are at that point. They do little to determine our future outcome and in reality, they shouldn’t.
When it Matters
In my most vulnerable moments I will ask myself “have I done enough?” and invariably the answer will be a resounding ‘not quite!’. That pressure is compounded by the weight of other people’s expectations and assumptions of who and where you should be, at a particular time and stage in your life.
I’m at that juncture where people now have those expectations, but looking back, I realize that it was always that way. We call it different things: ambition, aspiration, dreams, encouragement. But you come to realize that those ambitions don’t seem to end with a singular accomplishment, or new phase of life. Basically, what is considered enough by everyone outside of your self is a moving target and it’s always about what’s next.
By following this ‘dictate’, sometimes I can’t seem to reside in an accomplishment or new phase, because, even within a moment of exuberance, it’s just never enough. Yet I know now, more than ever the value of enjoying and living within those moments of accomplishments.
Slippery Slope
The temporary and transient nature of satiety, at least, relating to that feeling of what I will call ‘enoughness’ is so fickle. It can last as long as it takes for an order from amazon.com to land on your doorstep and the euphoria you felt discovering it wanes immediately after the unboxing.
What drives us to acquire is sometimes summing ourselves up and deciding that maybe that one item will make it complete, or better. Maybe after this purchase, I will be enough, even for a short period. Like most drug induced highs, it simply doesn’t last and can never be recaptured, no matter how hard we may try.
The best we can do therefore is to walk in the knowledge that even if we aren’t quite right, we are exactly what we need to be, right now. And until the perfect equilibrium moment arrives, hold on.
I’m holding on.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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I feel ‘safe’ writing about this now that V-Day has come and gone. After all couldn’t risk being called bitter because I’m not ‘celebrating’ the day of Love. I honestly am neither here nor there when it comes to the observance though my protestations and meme use on social media around that time of year is always top notch.
Just look at these?
And while, thankfully, the question of my own ‘singleness’ doesn’t come up as much nowadays, when it does, it is with a certain level of questioning and wonderment. People often approach the topic with a number of preconceived notions about who I am and why I may or may not be single.
It’s an easy way to get into your business but some people also immediately behave as if you’re a leper because you are single. What’s that about?
Relatives have gone as far as to patronizingly tell me that “everybody needs somebody” which is funny because to the best of my knowledge, very few people I know are connected to just a ‘somebody’ (but that’s another story). The reality is some folks feel invested in figuring you out and one of the ways they believe they can do that is through who you are connected with intimately.
I can see how it could be a bit odd, considering that there are people I am close enough with who have never known me while I was in a relationship. Oh well…
Upon deeper consideration I have arrived at the following conclusions/insights about being and living single that I believe would be useful to share as a reminder and an FYI to those who may otherwise behave as if it is an abstraction.
Being single did not happen to me – it’s a decision I made and continue to make
Unlike bad days and being hit by a bus, being single did not ‘happen’ to me. Yes, of course, at some point I was in a relationship (or two) that ended but the state of being single remains.
That state is a conscious decision I have made and continue to make, for myself. No explanation needed really. It is what it is and until someone or circumstances change (it), it will probably be ok and I will survive.
What being single is not, is an immutable state that remains for eternity.
I don’t need your help
Yeah, no.
Perish the thought that I need your assistance, your suggestions or recommendations. This actually applies to most people, who sometimes think it’s a great idea to find someone ‘for’ me. Surprisingly, recommendations typically come from people I am not even close with and who know nothing about my dating life and habits. I’m more willing to trust suggestions from close friends (if they even want to do that).
A superficial understanding of who I am and whom I may be interested in will prove to be a disaster. Also, I am not open to matchmaking experiments by intrepid dating experts because based on past experience, they are usually way off (your friend or acquaintance is probably not my type).
And what a violation it is for folks to be sharing information about you to people who you do not know, for them to critique and assess, as if you are a slab of meat.
NO.
See your single friends and leave them alone, believe that they know what they want and unless they inform you otherwise, they probably don’t want to be introduced to your well-intentioned but typically inappropriate pitches.
Platonic relationships are a thing
One of the starkest realizations I came to at the end of a previous relationship was the importance of having meaningful platonic relationships. Friendships are important and the right ones can help you to thrive while living single.
I choose to add more value to platonic relationships at this moment and that is important to me. Doesn’t take long for you to realize that some people may not understand or appreciate that, which is ok.
Obviously, not everyone will want to be your friend or even an acquaintance but even as a first step before something else, it can provide so much clarity. I mean, if I can’t be friends with someone, comfortably, then we probably can’t be anything beyond that, basically.
Being single is not a scarlet letter
Seriously, I’m not broken and last time I checked, I’m not somehow inadequate because I am single.
Weird to sometimes consider this because people feel like you are missing a kidney or a rib when you have no romantic partner. With all the dysfunction many relationships have, better peeps pray for my good health.
Yes, people are living and thriving, while single and no they are not dysfunctional because of it. In fact I can recall being told by a suitor years ago that I was selfish because I basically was so comfortable with ‘myself’ – people will gaslight you for the weirdest things. Make of that what you will.
Additionally, I’m neither asexual nor anti-relationship. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being Asexual or even anti-relationship, it’s just not who I am. What’s more I’m not jaded enough to say that I am absolutely turned off from relationships, far from it actually.
Final thoughts
Living single is as simple as breathing and no one deserves to feel like something is wrong with them because they are. Live and let live, in this great big world that we are all part of.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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This is the final in my New Year refresh series and as I continue, I’m at the point where after all the decluttering, I’m now ready for the ‘fix up’ after the ‘clean up’. It’s February so there’s still time to make those moves and get your 2021 plans underway.
Just think, in this very moment you are sitting on a goldmine, even as all seems desperate and scarcity appears all that is in our future (probably a bit overly dramatic after the year we’ve had).
The gold is in everything that you know, everything that you have ever experienced and everything that you take for granted about yourself. All of this knowledge and perspective is a gift that should be shared with the world.
And now with the way the world is set up it is a bit easier for us to share that knowledge, with the pent up need so many people have to learn new things and the ease of access created by communications technology.
But if you’re wondering about the how, I have a few insights. You have most if not all the resources you need to be able to make a significant change.
Start with what you know
You know something that is very valuable to someone else and you may not even know it. Whether it is something that you spent years of your life studying in school, a hobby or simply something that you have always been deeply interested in stop taking it for granted. You never know what it is that other people don’t know and there is so much. One of the good things the pandemic has done is opened the appetites of all of us to learn something new.
Your knowledge and insight into a particular area may be just what someone else desires to learn about right now and all that’s missing is your willingness to connect and share. Maybe it’s your interest in cooking or marketing or even crafting. Believe that there are people who want to learn what you know and will be willing to engage.
Never stop learning
After assessing what you actually know, is there anything else that you could brush up on? Learning never ends so there’s nothing to lose in either learning new skills or refreshing those that you already know. Internet connectivity has democratized learning for many of us, who can now simply enroll into free courses online.
It’s now easier than ever to acquire news skills and apply them to your life immediately, even if you already believe you are an expert in a particular area. I’ve been fortunate to access a number of marketing and communications related courses over the past year that have proven to be career enhancing. They both reinforced stuff I already knew, while teaching new concepts that are benefitting me now.
Whatever your interest, it is almost certain that there is a resource that exists to help you refine and increase our knowledge such as Coursera and Udemy.
Find your Tribe
Yes, there are communities of people who share your interests and now with this invention called the internet, it is easier than ever to connect with these like minds. Regardless of your interests, you can find thriving even niche, online communities that can help to nurture and help you to engage with persons from across the globe. It can be as simple as searching through hashtags on Twitter to find your tribe or discovering the perfect groups on Facebook or LinkedIn. Either way, adding your voice to ongoing conversations will not only help you to share your perspective, but learn from others.
If the online space is not your ideal landing strip to discover your tribe, then maybe a service club or even a professional organisation such as Toastmasters would be ideal options. If all else fails then begin the process of building your own community, create meaning and purpose around what you are interested in. An immediate inspiration is my friend who decided to start a book club with other friends who wanted to work on their reading habit, a few years down the road and it is now a thriving community of earnest readers.
Get you some headshots
Now for the pièce de résistance, the look and feel that will add the perfect finishing touch. Get you some headshots! If you have never had any taken, now is the perfect time to have some taken, because opportunities may be coming your way and you will need to be ready.
Over the past year, I have either organised or been part of several forums where a headshot is absolutely necessary and having one is the best way to be ready. Why you may ask?
Well, the growing need for persons, like you, to share their expertise and knowledge in multiple virtual spaces, means that pretty soon you may be asked to share your headshot for one of those forums.
You should never be asked for a headshot and all you have to share is a selfie from either the passenger or driver seat (no shade).
You can follow this video for some tips on taking headshots on your own using a good cell phone but if you want, there are photographers available who will be more than happy to take them for you at a cost. They will act as a snapshot of your personality even before people are introduced to you and they can saw so much about your brand values and the overall energy that you are sending out into the world.
Be Prepared
The successes we will experience this year will be based on the preparations we make beginning today. Arthur Ashe said “One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation.” Get ready to benefit from the opportunities that will come your way this year, just because of who you are and what you already know.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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In the continued spirit of refresh and declutter, I continue this series with a note to self on how to free up my mental and emotional space from thoughts that otherwise bog me down. Consider this the mental declutter for the year ahead.
Nothing like committing to ‘New Year, New Me’, then end up getting trapped by your old mindset and lethargy.
You know, the old habits, pathologies and fears that challenge our basic ability to change our circumstances, year after year. The thing is, most of these obstacles are within our control but as soon as the new car smell of the ‘new year’ wears off every dream and aspiration gets shunted.
I have learned a thing or two about making new year plans and goals doable and one of the most potent was a lesson from 2020, which was to start early!
Whatever you intend to do, actively start working towards it as soon as the new year has begun, when the motivation is ripe. And if 2020 is anything to go by, you never know what could happen after the first 3 months of the year.
I cannot stress enough that the insights I am about to share are a ‘note to self’ as the reset in my thinking and attitude is an ongoing process for which I have to continuously recommit.
For this year, I aim to be even more intentional about safeguarding my mental wellbeing and I hope that reaffirming these mantras/actions will keep that commitment in check.
Embrace Rejection
It’s ironic that I’m choosing to ‘embrace rejection’ even as the nature of it is the complete opposite but my thinking around this has been framed by my experience with being rejected in multiple ways and also overcoming that.
Of course I hate rejection, in all its forms, from the subtle erasure you may experience when you realize that you are not ‘that friend’ to someone you are close to or the hurt associated with not getting something that I wanted.
But what has been a salve in dealing with rejection is accepting and understanding that it is not failure, even if the sum total appears that way. Instead, I genuinely see rejection as redirection and I refuse to see it otherwise. Owning my destiny means that the ultimate result of any situation that does not appear to work in my favour initially, will, eventually.
Rejection is number one on this list because the way it happens in our lives is so diverse and multifaceted and when it does, it can cause much consternation and confusion.
I keep reminding myself: I am not for everyone and everything is not for me. Redirection allows me to find my way and my tribe.
I’m not the ‘Good Guy’
One of the greatest life lessons I came to terms with in my life in 2020 was the fact that I am a villain in someone’s story.
I am ok with that.
It was funny to discover that in one instance there was a whole storyline which clearly set me up as the evil, bad guy with all my nuanced and idiosyncratic characteristics, neatly checked off. On paper I was the bad guy and to anyone listening (without clarification, not to mention all the embellishment and fabrication) I was the perfect Disney antagonist.
However I was aware of my intent as well as everything that ordered my actions within the context of those retellings and most importantly, my conscience was free and clear.
Accept and Move On
I no longer worry about the fact that people think of me in one way or another because at the end of the day, I can only do me and where I make a mistake or foul up, I simply aim to do better another day.
It can be a rude awakening when you realize that there are people who think of you as ‘toxic’. Well, it’s time to get over yourself, own that toxicity and keep on living anyway. It can be an indictment against ourselves when we walk around always believing that we are the ‘Good Guy’.
It’s damaging, because while in your heart and actions you are a good person, telling yourself that and choosing to disbelieve that someone can consider you otherwise, can immediately make you a victim of circumstance. In fact if statements like “But I didn’t do anything to that person” or “I don’t trouble people” become part of your reaction to malice or bad actions against you then you should do a self-check.
We have no control over how people perceive us beyond the superficial and regardless of how you present yourself to the world there will always certainly be differing viewpoints about who you ‘really are’. People have opinions and sometimes ‘they feel away’ about you the moment you walk into a room. Don’t let that stop you from being great!
Just Do it anyway
There is so much going on and when the going gets tough, it’s sometimes easy to account for all of those other things and just throw your hands up in defeat. But my new attitude will be “Do it Anyway!”
Whether in fear or full of nerves, whatever we want to accomplish, will be on the other side of that trepidation. Some of the most fulfilling experiences and outcomes I’ve had in my life have been as a result of me just deciding to do it anyway.
This is the attitude I have when it comes to work and getting projects completed therefore I’ve decided to adopt this principle, with as much seriousness when it comes to my own pursuits.
Can’t count how many times I’ve set goals and every possible reason comes up why I could never accomplish it and then, the time goes by without anything to show.
Every time I express my thoughts in one of these blogs there is that question of whether it is good enough or if it will add value. I’m not always sure of the answer to either of those questions but I press publish anyway because I rather have it published than wonder about what could have been.
Final Word
I am doing the best I can, as are all of us. I am figuring it out, planning, writing it down and charting my course.
Share with me some of things you plan to clear up.
Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!
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