Kevin O'Bryan

Category: personal growth

  • Reading the tea leaves of changing relationships

    Reading the tea leaves of changing relationships

    Let’s face it, our relationships with other people constantly go through changes.

    Our lives are an ocean of unknowns and with each passing day, waves of opportunities, triumphs and failures wash over us. Through our relationships we are compelled to weather any storm and find safe harbour as needed. However there are times when the relationships we build are tested by undercurrents of change and strife or just, gravity.

    If the changing tides of relationships are not quite as apparent as you would want, here are some of the signs to look for that may indicate what is afoot or has already happened.

    You may consider these red flags, warning signs or simply clear indicators that your deep suspicion is now true and it’s either over, or has change indelibly.

    Here in no particular order are some possible things to look for.

     

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    Communication decreases

    This may seem obvious but not in the way you might think. The key differentiator however is a decrease in meaningful and deliberate communication which otherwise would’ve been a normal occurrence. The pandemic has changed the way many of us have chosen to communicate and engage with those in our lives. This may mean that you are a bit more sensitive about who and how you communicate. Therefore, it should become palpable fairly easily when communication has truly changed.

    Invites dry up

    Over time you may also realize that you are no longer granted invitations to activities that once were seemingly a consistent part of your life. Exclusion may seem more drastic and an overt way to signal that ‘you’re not one of us’ but again, it can also be explained away as reasonable. After all, no one is attached by the hips to another person unless they are conjoined and people do have other relationships. Regardless when the invites become few and far between, clinically specific and relegated to certain activities or just don’t happen at all, you can be certain that you’ve turned a page.

    Connecting feels awkward

    When you do connect, after wading through all of the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” you realize that there is an empty awkwardness that exists where easy friendship once resided. Sadly, there are many people who may not know how to give voice to this because, so many of us have been taught not to proactively interrogate the ‘why’ of some of our relationships.

    They have changed

    We have been led to believe that we have the right to ‘outgrow others’ and we do, but sometimes, it may not be us who are doing the growing but the other person. Doesn’t make you a bad person, just means that the currents of your lives are moving in different directions and what used to fit, no longer does, for them at least.

    You have changed

    And sometimes the problem is you. The big blind spot that is our own role in the enrichment or demise of our personal relationships are often understated or simply ignored. Whether you are on a journey of self-discovered/improvement/actualization or destruction, these phases can generate fractures in existing relationships. They may also cause your own needs from or for these relationships to shift. Be real about where you are and how you fit in your relationships.

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    You finally identify the category

    It is truly freeing when you are in sync with the intentions and motives of those in your life, but there can be those weird moments you are awakened to the category that your relationship with someone else falls.

    These awakenings are often times unspoken but become very clear through actions and supersede everything else shared here. Consider it therefore just a realization, that the ‘category’ that you have placed people in may not be the same as they have, therefore the expectations of reciprocity, are going to be underwhelming and in all likelihood painfully obvious.

    While categories may change, sometimes we live within the illusion of where we were from the get go until of course, time reveals it all.

    Closing thought

    In all of this we must also be clear that not everybody in our lives are meant to fulfil the same roles, all at the same time. In fact these functions can evolve and devolve. So someone who you would’ve probably had as your maid of honour one year could be just a bridesmaid the next. And that is ok! In fact, those two people may never ever be the same person.

    Living is complicated, life can be hard therefore, enjoy the relationships you have, set your boundaries and do what is ultimately best for you. It is up to us to protect ourselves and ensure that we are treated the way we deserve.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Who are you without your job?

    Who are you without your job?

    I recently read an article titled 5 things you must do to treat yourself with kindness after a layoff. It detailed things to consider for self-care during period right after losing your job. But one of the tips struck me as something that is worth consideration well before we find ourselves in that position.

    The fourth recommendation was ‘Figure out who you are without your former job’ and I immediately identified it as something that we all must do while we are employed. Why wait until we’ve been laid off to have a clear understanding of who we are without a job?

    Boundaries

    For one, having this understanding will help you to set clear boundaries that will guide you while doing your job. Things such as your core principles, do’s and don’ts as well as non-negotiables all help to solidify our sense of identity outside of work but play a part in your decision making during work.

    In the article, it was noted that many people have “their sense of self wrapped up in what they do”, imagine then being able to clearly define your identity without the trappings of what you do, and instead focus on how you do it as well as who you are?

    The first step to unravel this identity crisis is to visit and establish the boundaries that you have set for your own wellbeing. Those self-preserving standards are the first sign of what makes you, you and provide a gauge of what holds you intact.
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    The thought that I could be somebody else underneath all of what I currently believe I am, is exciting. Because, that means that everything I ever told myself about the things that limit me and the justifications for those limitations, are completely false. Sometimes we get sucked into believing that all that we are is the value that we bring to our jobs, when the bigger picture and world beyond that wall says so much more.

    Discover what makes you special

    Whether you believe so or not, you bring something unique to every position and role you work in. Now may be the time for you to take stock of those skills, talents, or idiosyncrasies which make you an asset in your role. They may be the key to your future next steps, whatever those are. In evaluating my own gifts and what I bring to the table, I realized that in one of my former roles, the skillsets that I brought to the table allowed me to bring something unique to the job that could not be easily replicated if my replacement were to be hired, simply based on my job description.

    I brought that to the table and that is what I provided to the role, not the other way around. Too often we work in jobs over long (or even short) periods and think that the work in all its sameness has moulded us when in fact it’s our own dynamism that makes it liveable and allows us to add value. So we are not just filling a slot, we bring something to the table that in many ways cannot be copied.

    Outside of the daily job

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    Figuring out your identity outside of a job is a perfect opportunity to consider what the possibilities and next steps could be for your life, both professionally and otherwise.

    When you consider things liked – what else could I do? What would I be doing if not this?

    It all comes down to the basics of who you believe you are and what you feel you have to give to the world. It may mean grabbing opportunities that lead you into a completely new direction outside of that box that you were living in.

    Many people have discovered certain skills and talents in the process of doing their job and suddenly something that has laid dormant, provided new energy for something else.

    I don’t know who you are but I hope you find out and nurture that person in all the ways that they matter.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • A Book-ish 2022: Looking Back

    A Book-ish 2022: Looking Back

    It’s 2023 and I am excited for the first full year post pandemic (?).

    But before diving into 2023, I wanted to take a look back on 2022 at least, for one aspect of my life – reading.

    If I’m to consider resolutions for last year, the major commitment I made was to reading a special set of books, one a month.

    The full reading list was a specially curated set of books that I deliberately selected for each month and committed myself to completing the mission.

    To be fully transparent, while I did my best to read all the books, there are at least two that I am still finishing up as of this writing. Separately I also overachieved and read additional books not on my original list, so I guess this is just to make up for lost time.

    I want to take a look back however at four of the most impactful of the actual books I read in 2022.  If you were reading along, some of these may have also resonated, you can let me know in the comments.

    As for my books for 2023, I plan to begin that list in February along a special thematic curve… more to come.

    Some of the links below are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.

    King Leopold’s Ghost by Adam Hochschild

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    I can’t say enough about what this book did to me and how it forever changed my perspective on slavery, colonialism, how imperialism has and continues to impact the lives of so many black people (myself included). It clearly elucidated the decisions, the perpetrators and the outcomes of unbridled power.

    King Leopold loomed large throughout this book and in my mind, hell is too good for him. The book served as the one piece of literature that connected all the dots for me about not just slavery but colonisation and what the African continent truly lost. I had delayed in reading the book for years because I was fearful of the more gritty aspects, but what got me wasn’t the violence, but the calculated efforts made by men from so many far flung places that has had far reaching impacts across so many generations.

    I intend to reread the book at some point, not because I’m a glutton for punishment but because I know there are things I simply haven’t processed and need a reminder.

    Motherland: And Other Stories by Wandeka Gayle

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    My reading list from last year contained two short story collections, one by my forever fave, Olive Senior, and Motherland by Wandeka Gayle who I am proud to say I attended undergrad with, many moons ago. By far this was my favourite due to its freshness of perspective and earthy characters who I could identify with in a meaningful way. The circumstances in which some of the characters found themselves, were of course well trodden territory but it was Wandeka’s ability to bring a balance of intensity and heartfelt knowing that made the characters feel real and so easy for the reader to root for. I recommended the book immediately after finishing it and will continue to do so.

    Barracoon: The Story of the Last “Black Cargo” by Zora Neale Hurston

    I remember years ago reading press around the release of Barracoon, not just for its subject but the tale around its actual publication. The book was written by Zora Neale Hurston but the manuscript was never published. The foreword of the book hints at why – it was too visceral a depiction of slavery and the involvement of black people in the enslavement of their own. Black intellectuals of the time feared the narrative, though true, and its implications. The story they feared was a first person re-telling of the trans-Atlantic slave trade from villages and communities all over West Africa, to the state of Alabama in the United States.

    Cudjo Lewis shares his story in the most human recollection possible and in exquisite detail that gives deep insight into life during the slave trade, for someone living on the African continent, in the 1800’s.

    For those who always ask questions about the involvement of Africans in the slave trade, this book provides some nuance and context. It’s heartbreaking however when you consider that his story was repeated millions of time, over the centuries.

    Bonus Read*

    Things I Have Withheld by Kei Miller

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    I am always excited to read the words of Kei Miller because he has a special way of telling even the simplest of stories and making them an entire universe. While not a novel I was ready to devour this collection of essays once I got my hands on it early in 2022. I immediately connected with every single one due to his clarity of voice and him simply “telling my whole life with his words.” The honesty and nakedness of his writing in the collection said so many things about being a Jamaican that I could never possibly express. I was able to personally thank him for the book and everything it meant to me.

    I’m excited about the many a journey the books I read last year afforded me and I am planning to continue into this year. I’ll be sharing those plans shortly but in the meantime, let me know about some of your favourite reads from 2022.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Five strategies I have used to curtail my spending

    Five strategies I have used to curtail my spending

    Whenever I think about personal finances, money management and wealth creation, of all the tips and tricks that are usually shared, most boil down to a single principle: curtailing spending.

    It would seem to be the hardest thing to do especially with the ease that modern life brings spending literally to our fingertips and wallets. Everything is available online or for delivery as instant gratification is the goal and gift.

    Also, because spending has become so ephemeral, there is a high level of disassociation as we are not usually seeing the money leave our hands. It’s all virtual, so for many people ignorance is bliss when it comes to certain spending habits, especially with credit and debit cards.

    We have all adopted capitalist and consumerist habits which have assisted with the increase in consumer spending as the main driver of our economies, especially discretionary spending.

    So how do you cope and ensure that you meet your goals around money?

    Today I’m going to share some of my own strategies to curtail both my discretionary and non-discretionary spending.

    Discipline is Key

    It may seem obvious but at the heart of all efforts to curtail spending is a willingness to be disciplined and adhere to whatever measures of self-control you put in place. Impulse has a way of completely redirecting our intentions and derailing our plans.

    Sometimes, the starkest way to maintain discipline is by reducing options as well as identifying triggers that may cause you to make rash spending decisions. When it comes to identifying triggers, I’ve gotten very good at recognizing the sweet spot that gets me to either make rash buying decisions or even consider buying something I never wanted previously. A big trigger for me is idleness but another I can admit to is envy and the need to either always grab an incredible deal or to get an item I want because I saw someone with something similar. From my own experience, we make many of our buying decisions based on endorsements from those closest to us.

    One way I’ve sought to fix this is by unfollowing Fat Kid Deals on Twitter  as a start because while it often has incredible deals, it is a major trigger for my impulse buying. Imagine seeing constant deals in your timeline. It’s much better for me to check out the account whenever I actually need something, just in case but it has proven unhelpful constantly exposing myself to a known trigger.

    Shop with your eyes and not your wallet

    We do this in real life all the time so you think it would be easy and straight forward but I have learned to shop with my eyes even with online sales and listicles featuring products. Sometimes looking is enough. My strategy to control my impulse in this regard is to create wish lists and air mark potential buy dates for certain items. Sometimes designating an item to ‘buy later’ as opposed to a ‘buy now’ is all it takes to save some money and prevent unnecessary spending.

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    Take breaks from online shopping as needed

    Over the past 3 years I have made lent, my season of taking a break from online shopping. It’s a deliberate effort to truly curtail the amount of money I spend with online retailers because a convenient as it may seem, cumulatively, it adds up over time.

    Instead, it allows me to explore local alternatives that for the most part I didn’t know existed because I seldom attempt to shop for certain things physically. You can either get the exact same item locally or something even better that is made here. Sometimes it’s good to go to a mall or store and check out what’s available. And while the prices might seem higher compared to the sticker prices we see online, when you factor in shipping and weight costs, it’s practically the same.

    Sometimes the reflex to just source a product online is so easy and compelling we forget that most things can be gotten locally. Case in point, I recently broke my reading glasses and needed a new pair. The original was purchased online but due to my ongoing online buying pause, I decided to do a quick search online and was able to source a 3-pack at Pricesmart at a great price, sans the shipping cost.

    Compare prices everywhere!

    Price comparison shopping is one of the most basic exercises we do when trying to save money on our spending. Looking for the best price on any item or service should therefore come naturally, and it’s much easier than you think. Most people may have a favourite place to shop, but it’s helpful if that place is already giving you discounts and the best deal, when compared to a competitor. It’s much easier to do it online because everything is laid out before you, but there’s no shame in visiting different supermarkets for example, to see how the other folks live and the prices they experience.  You would be surprised by the mark up in price between two almost neighbouring supermarkets. And while the shopping experience may be different, don’t pay extra for the basics due to ambiance.

    Cancel those subscriptions you don’t use

    I can bet if you check the monthly charges to your credit card or even things you have setup up on your debit cards, you will find that some of the services, you don’t actually use or need as much of. You would be surprised sometimes what subscriptions you have lurking around, that gets charged to you maybe once a year. For example, some years ago I had done a subscription to amazon newsstand to receive National Geographic Magazine because I love reading the articles and full issue. However over time I discovered I could never keep up, and while the subscription renewed each year, in stealth, I was not interacting with or consuming the content.

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    So after going through all my subscriptions on the platform I decided to remove it and save myself from that renewal for this year. It is always a good idea to select a reminder preference for all renewable services to ensure that you have a prompt before they are up for renewal.

    What are some of your tried and true ways to curtail your spending? Tell me in the comments.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

    Kevin

  • Why I’ve added this new tool to my self-care kit

    Why I’ve added this new tool to my self-care kit

    Adulting isn’t easy and it seems that for some of us, the older we get the more the challenges might grow or they may just become more complicated.

    I’m no different and it has taken becoming a grown man for me to begin to get a grip of my mental health. I have tried to be very proactive when it comes to my overall ‘health’ in terms of getting the annual check-up, running the tests when necessary and even doing exercise.

    However, the mental health part has always been left to sort itself out or hopefully get resolved when I relaxed. But the maintenance and the check-in as opposed to ‘check-up’ never really happened because, how exactly is that done anyway?

    And while having deep and meaningful conversations with loved ones can be helpful, and for sure, helps to release some built up pressure, ultimately, it’s not usually enough. Why? Because, sometimes, those who know us, bring their own biases, misconceptions and own perception of you to the table and therefore may not be able to truly ‘see you’ in a moment.

    There is also the weariness of managing other people’s emotion around your own issue that can itself become a burden. In fact, it’s tiring sometimes just having certain conversations and disclosing some things, so why bother?

    tool

    The Silence

    The other part of adulting that coalesces with mental health is the silence of it all. Yes, you can have friends and a million things to take up your time, but eventually, you are left with the silence and in those moments you have to deal with the real stuff – the bills, the plans, the future, the outcomes the expectations, etc.

    Nobody else can address that silence but you and honestly, it can be an extremely isolating place. Imagine, dealing with the turmoil of your burgeoning adulthood, observing everyone else handling their own ‘growth’ but there you are with your own silence trying to figure out the reality that is the rest of your life?

    Better description: imagine screaming at the top of your lungs and knocking on a glass door looking out at the world go by, hoping that someone sees or hears or even notices, only to realize that they can’t see you and you still have to be present, while screaming in silence, still…

    A Solution

    Thankfully there’s therapy, which to me is a form of maintenance that I wish we could all access easily. Unfortunately, aside from some the negative perceptions around mental health care and even therapy, the cost for access, can be prohibitive to most.

    I’ve decided to add therapy to my health maintenance schedule and I begin soon. I am looking forward to what the experience will be like and also the tools I’ll hopefully receive to address my silence and the turmoil, because a LOT is unfolding.

     

    There’s always a lot of talk about self-care but I’ve come to learn that it means different things to different people and for me therapy is the ultimate upkeep and self-care activity.

    I don’t have to be in crisis to check-in, I just need to get a sense of where I am and where I will be going. Also the potential of getting centred and focused on the various issues I am navigating provide some amount of comfort that I appreciate.

    I am hopeful.

    As always…

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

    Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

     

    Lesson learned

    One of the biggest lessons I learned coming out of this past year was the importance of not watering dead plants. I mean this both literally and figuratively, as for a bit, I spent time nurturing plants that simply would not grow (black thumb gardeners can relate).

    But to the point, the lesson symbolizes so many things that I pushed energy into that were not feeding my soul in 2021.

    Namely, there were alleged friendships and connections that simply were not viable, goals that I just didn’t have the heart to go after, thought processes that held me back and comfort zones that were held in place by fear which served no purpose.

    Those Relationships

    Sometimes you mean well when it comes to certain people in your life? And even though they show you time and time again that they do not hold you in equal regard, you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt?

    I have done that, for a while.

    With the toll the pandemic has taken, you get a bit more sensitive to things that make you feel less than and compromised. So if someone is not showing up in your life, it becomes noticeable real quick.

    Funny thing also is that even relationships and connections that have been around for a long time tend to show wear and tear with neglect and unreciprocated care.

    I haven’t beaten myself up about it, it isn’t a failure just an acknowledgement that those connections are not ‘real’ and that we are not in sync.

    And honestly, I am tired.

    Message and lesson received.

    Dem Goals

    There were goals placed on the table well before their time and I held on to a few for longer than I should’ve. Even worse, when I realized they were not going to be realized, I lamented the failing and stressed over it.

    For example, I had set some admirable goals in terms of this blog and even reading, as well as others related to certain areas of my life.

    So many neat things that I could’ve worked on and get done and in the big mix of a year that was filled with other ‘stuff’, they just didn’t happen.

    But delayed doesn’t mean discarded and even in the midst of upheaval that caused shifts in some areas of my life, I still held on to the idea of achieving certain things.

    I just have to know when to say: “Maybe next time!”

    Breaking Chains

    If I thought I was assertive before, this past year taught me that there are levels to standing up for yourself and you will only experience some of these levels when you let go of the fears of propriety and ‘manners’ and just be bold!

    Closed mouths don’t get fed and neither are they able to defend you or vocalize what ails you if you remain silent.

    Developing the gumption to truly say “this is not for me” and letting go of the fear of repercussions has truly changed my outlook and approach to life.

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    The Truth

    What I have instead come to terms with is something that I recognized about myself as I pondered on 2021.

    I am not a failure.

    In fact I achieved a number of things I had previously only tentatively considered and I executed these things exactly as I hoped. And all it took was looking back at the year and the areas of my life that I gave focus, to realize.

    They were all things that I nurtured and paid attention to, which lets me understand that any goal that I bring to fruition will require my full attention. It will not become reality simply by being on a wishlist.

    The true lesson is, what you nurture is what grows. So moving into 2022, I’m going to be focusing heavily on the wins I actually want to accomplish.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Are you ever enough?

    Are you ever enough?

    I am fond of the phrase “I am enough.” because it represents a powerful statement of intent and acceptance. That simple phrase lets me know that whatever journey I am on and whatever goals I am working towards, where I stand in THIS moment is right where I need to be and all that I am is enough.

    It’s funny how the world forces us to enrich our souls with these mantras because life has a way of literally picking away at our confidence and belief in self. Just look at it, our salaries and job titles can give us some insight into where we think we are in life. Our possessions apparently should clue us in to our ‘progress’ and our relationships should say something about who we are as people.

    But when is any of that enough or just right? Is it ever perfect?

    I have come to the conclusion that perfect is what you have chosen to live with and also, what may make you happy, in that exact moment. But I’ve also come to realize that perfect, or at least, what any of us may consider perfect is evolving and changes with our perspectives.

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    Reflection

    Recently, while completing appraisals for my team at work, I came upon a very common point of information that I shared with a few people. It is this: the metrics used for the appraisal, are not meant to define who we are, forever and ever. In fact, as most appraisals are a retrospective, look back, metrics only measure who you were over a period of time. Therefore they can change and will continue to change as we learn more and grow.

    It’s always tempting to use the yard sticks provided to us by jobs or resumes or any process that requires us to self-reflect, to determine who we are, in a very definitive way.  When really, all they ever do is check our temperature, in the moment and provide insight into where we are at that point. They do little to determine our future outcome and in reality, they shouldn’t.

    When it Matters

    In my most vulnerable moments I will ask myself  “have I done enough?” and invariably the answer will be a resounding ‘not quite!’.  That pressure is compounded by the weight of other people’s expectations and assumptions of who and where you should be, at a particular time and stage in your life.

    I’m at that juncture where people now have those expectations, but looking back, I realize that it was always that way. We call it different things: ambition, aspiration, dreams, encouragement. But you come to realize that those ambitions don’t seem to end with a singular accomplishment, or new phase of life. Basically, what is considered enough by everyone outside of your self is a moving target and it’s always about what’s next.

    By following this ‘dictate’, sometimes I can’t seem to reside in an accomplishment or new phase, because, even within a moment of exuberance, it’s just never enough. Yet I know now, more than ever the value of enjoying and living within those moments of accomplishments.

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    Slippery Slope

    The temporary and transient nature of satiety, at least, relating to that feeling of what I will call ‘enoughness’ is so fickle. It can last as long as it takes for an order from amazon.com to land on your doorstep and the euphoria you felt discovering it wanes immediately after the unboxing.

    What drives us to acquire is sometimes summing ourselves up and deciding that maybe that one item will make it complete, or better. Maybe after this purchase, I will be enough, even for a short period. Like most drug induced highs, it simply doesn’t last and can never be recaptured, no matter how hard we may try.

    The best we can do therefore is to walk in the knowledge that even if we aren’t quite right, we are exactly what we need to be, right now. And until the perfect equilibrium moment arrives, hold on.

    I’m holding on.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Yes, I’m single… What of it?

    Yes, I’m single… What of it?

    I feel ‘safe’ writing about this now that V-Day has come and gone. After all couldn’t risk being called bitter because I’m not ‘celebrating’ the day of Love. I honestly am neither here nor there when it comes to the observance though my protestations and meme use on social media around that time of year is always top notch.

    Just look at these?

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    And while, thankfully, the question of my own ‘singleness’ doesn’t come up as much nowadays, when it does, it is with a certain level of questioning and wonderment. People often approach the topic with a number of preconceived notions about who I am and why I may or may not be single.

    It’s an easy way to get into your business but some people also immediately behave as if you’re a leper because you are single. What’s that about?

    Relatives have gone as far as to patronizingly tell me that “everybody needs somebody” which is funny because to the best of my knowledge, very few people I know are connected to just a ‘somebody’ (but that’s another story). The reality is some folks feel invested in figuring you out and one of the ways they believe they can do that is through who you are connected with intimately.

    I can see how it could be a bit odd, considering that there are people I am close enough with who have never known me while I was in a relationship. Oh well…

    Upon deeper consideration I have arrived at the following conclusions/insights about being and living single that I believe would be useful to share as a reminder and an FYI to those who may otherwise behave as if it is an abstraction.

    Being single did not happen to me – it’s a decision I made and continue to make

    Unlike bad days and being hit by a bus, being single did not ‘happen’ to me. Yes, of course, at some point I was in a relationship (or two) that ended but the state of being single remains.

    That state is a conscious decision I have made and continue to make, for myself. No explanation needed really. It is what it is and until someone or circumstances change (it), it will probably be ok and I will survive.

    What being single is not, is an immutable state that remains for eternity.

    I don’t need your help

    Yeah, no.

    Perish the thought that I need your assistance, your suggestions or recommendations. This actually applies to most people, who sometimes think it’s a great idea to find someone ‘for’ me. Surprisingly, recommendations typically come from people I am not even close with and who know nothing about my dating life and habits. I’m more willing to trust suggestions from close friends (if they even want to do that).

    A superficial understanding of who I am and whom I may be interested in will prove to be a disaster. Also, I am not open to matchmaking experiments by intrepid dating experts   because based on past experience, they are usually way off (your friend or acquaintance is probably not my type).

    And what a violation it is for folks to be sharing information about you to people who you do not know, for them to critique and assess, as if you are a slab of meat.

    NO.

    See your single friends and leave them alone, believe that they know what they want and unless they inform you otherwise, they probably don’t want to be introduced to your well-intentioned but typically inappropriate pitches.

    Platonic relationships are a thing

    One of the starkest realizations I came to at the end of a previous relationship was the importance of having meaningful platonic relationships. Friendships are important and the right ones can help you to thrive while living single.

    I choose to add more value to platonic relationships at this moment and that is important to me. Doesn’t take long for you to realize that some people may not understand or appreciate that, which is ok.

    Obviously, not everyone will want to be your friend or even an acquaintance but even as a first step before something else, it can provide so much clarity. I mean, if I can’t be friends with someone, comfortably, then we probably can’t be anything beyond that, basically.

    Being single is not a scarlet letter  

    Seriously, I’m not broken and last time I checked, I’m not somehow inadequate because I am single.

    Weird to sometimes consider this because people feel like you are missing a kidney or a rib when you have no romantic partner. With all the dysfunction many relationships have, better peeps pray for my good health.

    Yes, people are living and thriving, while single and no they are not dysfunctional because of it. In fact I can recall being told by a suitor years ago that I was selfish because I basically was so comfortable with ‘myself’ – people will gaslight you for the weirdest things. Make of that what you will.

    Additionally, I’m neither asexual nor anti-relationship. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being Asexual or even anti-relationship, it’s just not who I am. What’s more I’m not jaded enough to say that I am absolutely turned off from relationships, far from it actually.

    Final thoughts

    Living single is as simple as breathing and no one deserves to feel like something is wrong with them because they are. Live and let live, in this great big world that we are all part of.

     Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Wake up and Live! – How I’m living in 2020

    Wake up and Live! – How I’m living in 2020

    Wake Up!

    I woke up one morning and it was the end of 2019 and for the first time in years, I chose not to ring in the new year at a party or event. Instead, I went to bed for a change.

    The year of clear (er) vision, 2020, has been an interesting one so far. I fully counted January as December 2.0 because for me, it was an opportunity to tie up loose ends of the year past. It was in that process that I was able to set some clear goals for the rest of the year and immediately start acting on them.

    I also spent some time looking at the goals I had set for myself in 2019 and for a quick second I was caught up in the idea of how I failed at accomplishing some of those only to realize that on the other side of failure is an opportunity for growth.

    For example, I didn’t complete my must read list of books from last year – boo hoo – but I did make an admirable dent in it. It also seemed that for every deliberate thing that I had set out to do and not fully accomplish, I was able to focus on something else and begin working on that, such as finally opening that stock market account.

    It can be testing telling yourself every day that – ‘I am enough’ – when the world constantly questions that.

    Am I really?

    For real?

    Are you ok?

    And that’s why sometimes I have to sit and really ask myself “Are you ok?”

    That self check-in has given me space to come to terms with how I am really feeling because if it’s one thing I know, not many people are genuinely asking me if I’m ok. For those that do, it is usually heartfelt and a real question, which I appreciate.

    In the new year, I’ve set new goals and I am extremely excited about the challenges and plans I have in store. Specifically, all the new things I am going to learn and put into action. For example, after a little over two years teaching, it’s refreshing being a student again and able to dive into the unknown.

    We’re now almost three months into 2020 and I have a pretty good road map for how I want to make this revolution around the sun a winner for myself in all aspects.

    Taking Care of Me

    There are so many ways I have committed to taking care of myself in the past but one of the primary ways has always been to indulge in whatever my heart desires (mostly), while my pocket could afford. That has proven to be a double edged sword and I now realize more than ever that taking care of myself is more than just a self-care regimen of a good face mask and a pedicure. It also includes conscientiously doing things that won’t cause me unnecessary regret later (hey bad debt). To really take care of myself, means not sabotaging my future with immediate satisfaction that will cost something important in the future, such as my health, wealth, sustenance or sanity. That being said, working on it!

    Focus on solutions

    There is ALOT of stuff that goes wrong every day that risks bogging me down inside my head:

    “Am I being a good friend? Am I being a good son, Am I doing my job well enough?”

    But I’ve taken to focusing on solutions when most of these questions pop up, because in almost every scenario, there is a solution to addressing these internal rumblings. And it usually surrounds choosing the affirmative and moving from there. So where the answer to any of those questions is – “No” the answer is – “I will do better today”. It also means clearing space in my mind and environment for the good to flourish. Good Vibes really make a big difference.

    Keep Moving

    As a follow on to being solutions oriented, it is important to just keep moving. You never get through anything if you don’t continue to move! So just keep going. If it means smelling the roses for a few and taking a breath, do it. What I have learned is that regardless of what I am dealing with, forward motion always takes me into the next chapter, no matter how difficult. Beyond the metaphoric though, I want to keep moving physically as well. I’ve come to realize how important being physical is to my mental and overall health, especially when I was not able to, so now more than ever I’m on a mission to get it done.

    Learning Never Ends

    One of the promises I made to myself this year was to learn as many new things as I could, specifically, things I’ve always wanted to know. And I am pursuing this all for the sake of gaining new knowledge. I have begun and it has been truly rewarding and fulfilling. My mind has opened up to so many new concepts and world’s that I could’ve never imagined before. It also extends to my ability to adapt to the new knowledge and manifesting it in my life. I am able.

    Baked into all of this is a renewed commitment to consistency, something that I have always struggled with (for certain things). I’m awake and I am ready to get it done!

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • No, You’re not weird if you like doing stuff alone!

    No, You’re not weird if you like doing stuff alone!

    Alone and Loving it

    Society and the world would have you believe that you are out of place and somehow don’t fit in, if you choose to navigate certain spaces alone.

    So ingrained has this idea become for many of us, the thought of going to a movie on your own scares many people, because it is simply NOT done. I will go further to say that society looks down on doing certain things on your own to the point where, even hotels charge you more when you book a room as an individual and while that may be more down to economics, it reinforces an idea that doing anything ‘alone’ is supposed to be an anomaly.

    Growing Up

    When I was younger it was actually easier to move through the world alone. It was unquestioned as no one naturally expected that I should have a gaggle of friends around me at all times.

    At other times, I was in the presence of an adult carer, so it never occurred to me how important the world deemed it to see me in the company of others.

    But once you start to mature, being alone becomes a liability, in fact as a teenager I was expected to have a friend group beyond school that I could ‘hang out with’.

    Growing up in a household where I was an only child ran counter to this idea though. I learned how to entertain myself with reading, playing, talking with my Mom and once I discovered TV, it was all over, I didn’t need another soul.

    That said, while I do have some anxiety moving through some spaces and places alone, for the most part I’m fine with doing certain things by myself without feeling like something is wrong with me.

    Being an introvert can be a good or bad thing in this regard but that’s another story.

    How quaint…

    I get tickled when people muse about things they are ‘afraid’ to do alone because I feel like we are denying ourselves an experience, simply because someone else is not there, as if by ourselves, we are not enough (did that go too deep?).

    alone

    In general I never want to feel like I am at the mercy of someone else’s interest level, schedule or budget to go somewhere. When I want to go somewhere, why should I let another person’s unavailability or situation prevent me?

    Found myself getting caught in that trap too often before I started to ‘man up’ up and just go to places I really wanted to, alone.

    Want to go see that movie? – GO

    Feel like checking out that bar to have a drink but have no one to go with? – GO

    Feel like spending the day at the beach? – GO

    Doing it alone, even once doesn’t mean that you are an outcast, or even worse, that something is wrong with you.

    I think the biggest thing to get over, was the fear of how other people would regard me being alone in a space where I am surrounded by couples or even groups. The big thing I’ve discovered? For the most part people don’t care and in fact, they’re not paying any attention to me.

    No Problem

    There can be a lot of anxiety and while I’m not calling myself a hero, it does take some bravery to step out on your own and just be, without worrying about being alone. It’s now considered a novelty, a thing to celebrate when persons do something ‘ground breaking’ by dining out alone and that’s ok (baby steps for some peeps).

    It shouldn’t have to be that way but it is.

    We should feel our whole, true selves spending time alone, doing whatever it is that we love, guilt free, no issues.

    We are fine, we are complete, we stand alone if and whenever we choose and when we don’t feel like doing it alone, we do it with others.

    Think my next big thing to conquer is going to a medium sized party on my own and seeing where that leads…

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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