Kevin O'Bryan

Category: mental health

  • Why I’ve added this new tool to my self-care kit

    Why I’ve added this new tool to my self-care kit

    Adulting isn’t easy and it seems that for some of us, the older we get the more the challenges might grow or they may just become more complicated.

    I’m no different and it has taken becoming a grown man for me to begin to get a grip of my mental health. I have tried to be very proactive when it comes to my overall ‘health’ in terms of getting the annual check-up, running the tests when necessary and even doing exercise.

    However, the mental health part has always been left to sort itself out or hopefully get resolved when I relaxed. But the maintenance and the check-in as opposed to ‘check-up’ never really happened because, how exactly is that done anyway?

    And while having deep and meaningful conversations with loved ones can be helpful, and for sure, helps to release some built up pressure, ultimately, it’s not usually enough. Why? Because, sometimes, those who know us, bring their own biases, misconceptions and own perception of you to the table and therefore may not be able to truly ‘see you’ in a moment.

    There is also the weariness of managing other people’s emotion around your own issue that can itself become a burden. In fact, it’s tiring sometimes just having certain conversations and disclosing some things, so why bother?

    tool

    The Silence

    The other part of adulting that coalesces with mental health is the silence of it all. Yes, you can have friends and a million things to take up your time, but eventually, you are left with the silence and in those moments you have to deal with the real stuff – the bills, the plans, the future, the outcomes the expectations, etc.

    Nobody else can address that silence but you and honestly, it can be an extremely isolating place. Imagine, dealing with the turmoil of your burgeoning adulthood, observing everyone else handling their own ‘growth’ but there you are with your own silence trying to figure out the reality that is the rest of your life?

    Better description: imagine screaming at the top of your lungs and knocking on a glass door looking out at the world go by, hoping that someone sees or hears or even notices, only to realize that they can’t see you and you still have to be present, while screaming in silence, still…

    A Solution

    Thankfully there’s therapy, which to me is a form of maintenance that I wish we could all access easily. Unfortunately, aside from some the negative perceptions around mental health care and even therapy, the cost for access, can be prohibitive to most.

    I’ve decided to add therapy to my health maintenance schedule and I begin soon. I am looking forward to what the experience will be like and also the tools I’ll hopefully receive to address my silence and the turmoil, because a LOT is unfolding.

     

    There’s always a lot of talk about self-care but I’ve come to learn that it means different things to different people and for me therapy is the ultimate upkeep and self-care activity.

    I don’t have to be in crisis to check-in, I just need to get a sense of where I am and where I will be going. Also the potential of getting centred and focused on the various issues I am navigating provide some amount of comfort that I appreciate.

    I am hopeful.

    As always…

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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    Kevin

  • Are you ever enough?

    Are you ever enough?

    I am fond of the phrase “I am enough.” because it represents a powerful statement of intent and acceptance. That simple phrase lets me know that whatever journey I am on and whatever goals I am working towards, where I stand in THIS moment is right where I need to be and all that I am is enough.

    It’s funny how the world forces us to enrich our souls with these mantras because life has a way of literally picking away at our confidence and belief in self. Just look at it, our salaries and job titles can give us some insight into where we think we are in life. Our possessions apparently should clue us in to our ‘progress’ and our relationships should say something about who we are as people.

    But when is any of that enough or just right? Is it ever perfect?

    I have come to the conclusion that perfect is what you have chosen to live with and also, what may make you happy, in that exact moment. But I’ve also come to realize that perfect, or at least, what any of us may consider perfect is evolving and changes with our perspectives.

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    Reflection

    Recently, while completing appraisals for my team at work, I came upon a very common point of information that I shared with a few people. It is this: the metrics used for the appraisal, are not meant to define who we are, forever and ever. In fact, as most appraisals are a retrospective, look back, metrics only measure who you were over a period of time. Therefore they can change and will continue to change as we learn more and grow.

    It’s always tempting to use the yard sticks provided to us by jobs or resumes or any process that requires us to self-reflect, to determine who we are, in a very definitive way.  When really, all they ever do is check our temperature, in the moment and provide insight into where we are at that point. They do little to determine our future outcome and in reality, they shouldn’t.

    When it Matters

    In my most vulnerable moments I will ask myself  “have I done enough?” and invariably the answer will be a resounding ‘not quite!’.  That pressure is compounded by the weight of other people’s expectations and assumptions of who and where you should be, at a particular time and stage in your life.

    I’m at that juncture where people now have those expectations, but looking back, I realize that it was always that way. We call it different things: ambition, aspiration, dreams, encouragement. But you come to realize that those ambitions don’t seem to end with a singular accomplishment, or new phase of life. Basically, what is considered enough by everyone outside of your self is a moving target and it’s always about what’s next.

    By following this ‘dictate’, sometimes I can’t seem to reside in an accomplishment or new phase, because, even within a moment of exuberance, it’s just never enough. Yet I know now, more than ever the value of enjoying and living within those moments of accomplishments.

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    Slippery Slope

    The temporary and transient nature of satiety, at least, relating to that feeling of what I will call ‘enoughness’ is so fickle. It can last as long as it takes for an order from amazon.com to land on your doorstep and the euphoria you felt discovering it wanes immediately after the unboxing.

    What drives us to acquire is sometimes summing ourselves up and deciding that maybe that one item will make it complete, or better. Maybe after this purchase, I will be enough, even for a short period. Like most drug induced highs, it simply doesn’t last and can never be recaptured, no matter how hard we may try.

    The best we can do therefore is to walk in the knowledge that even if we aren’t quite right, we are exactly what we need to be, right now. And until the perfect equilibrium moment arrives, hold on.

    I’m holding on.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

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  • Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    Decluttering Mindset: Self-limiting attitudes to ditch in 2021

    In the continued spirit of refresh and declutter, I continue this series with a note to self on how to free up my mental and emotional space from thoughts that otherwise bog me down. Consider this the mental declutter for the year ahead.

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    Nothing like committing to ‘New Year, New Me’, then end up getting trapped by your old mindset and lethargy.

    You know, the old habits, pathologies and fears that challenge our basic ability to change our circumstances, year after year. The thing is, most of these obstacles are within our control but as soon as the new car smell of the ‘new year’ wears off every dream and aspiration gets shunted.

    I have learned a thing or two about making new year plans and goals doable and one of the most potent was a lesson from 2020, which was to start early!

    Whatever you intend to do, actively start working towards it as soon as the new year has begun, when the motivation is ripe. And if 2020 is anything to go by, you never know what could happen after the first 3 months of the year.

    I cannot stress enough that the insights I am about to share are a ‘note to self’ as the reset in my thinking and attitude is an ongoing process for which I have to continuously recommit.

    For this year, I aim to be even more intentional about safeguarding my mental wellbeing and I hope that reaffirming these mantras/actions will keep that commitment in check.

     

    Embrace Rejection

    It’s ironic that I’m choosing to ‘embrace rejection’ even as the nature of it is the complete opposite but my thinking around this has been framed by my experience with being rejected in multiple ways and also overcoming that.

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    Of course I hate rejection, in all its forms, from the subtle erasure you may experience when you realize that you are not ‘that friend’ to someone you are close to or the hurt associated with not getting something that I wanted.

    But what has been a salve in dealing with rejection is accepting and understanding that it is not failure, even if the sum total appears that way. Instead, I genuinely see rejection as redirection and I refuse to see it otherwise. Owning my destiny means that the ultimate result of any situation that does not appear to work in my favour initially, will, eventually.

    Rejection is number one on this list because the way it happens in our lives is so diverse and multifaceted and when it does, it can cause much consternation and confusion.

    I keep reminding myself: I am not for everyone and everything is not for me. Redirection allows me to find my way and my tribe.

     

    I’m not the ‘Good Guy’

    One of the greatest life lessons I came to terms with in my life in 2020 was the fact that I am a villain in someone’s story.

    I am ok with that.

    It was funny to discover that in one instance there was a whole storyline which clearly set me up as the evil, bad guy with all my nuanced and idiosyncratic characteristics, neatly checked off. On paper I was the bad guy and to anyone listening (without clarification, not to mention all the embellishment and fabrication) I was the perfect Disney antagonist.

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    However I was aware of my intent as well as everything that ordered my actions within the context of those retellings and most importantly, my conscience was free and clear.

    Accept and Move On

    I no longer worry about the fact that people think of me in one way or another because at the end of the day, I can only do me and where I make a mistake or foul up, I simply aim to do better another day.

    It can be a rude awakening when you realize that there are people who think of you as ‘toxic’. Well, it’s time to get over yourself, own that toxicity and keep on living anyway. It can be an indictment against ourselves when we walk around always believing that we are the ‘Good Guy’.

    It’s damaging, because while in your heart and actions you are a good person, telling yourself that and choosing to disbelieve that someone can consider you otherwise, can immediately make you a victim of circumstance. In fact if statements like “But I didn’t do anything to that person” or “I don’t trouble people” become part of your reaction to malice or bad actions against you then you should do a self-check.

    We have no control over how people perceive us beyond the superficial and regardless of how you present yourself to the world there will always certainly be differing viewpoints about who you ‘really are’. People have opinions and sometimes ‘they feel away’ about you the moment you walk into a room. Don’t let that stop you from being great!

     

    Just Do it anyway

    There is so much going on and when the going gets tough, it’s sometimes easy to account for all of those other things and just throw your hands up in defeat. But my new attitude will be “Do it Anyway!”

    Whether in fear or full of nerves, whatever we want to accomplish, will be on the other side of that trepidation. Some of the most fulfilling experiences and outcomes I’ve had in my life have been as a result of me just deciding to do it anyway.

    This is the attitude I have when it comes to work and getting projects completed therefore I’ve decided to adopt this principle, with as much seriousness when it comes to my own pursuits.

    Can’t count how many times I’ve set goals and every possible reason comes up why I could never accomplish it and then, the time goes by without anything to show.

    Every time I express my thoughts in one of these blogs there is that question of whether it is good enough or if it will add value. I’m not always sure of the answer to either of those questions but I press publish anyway because I rather have it published than wonder about what could have been.

    Final Word

    I am doing the best I can, as are all of us. I am figuring it out, planning, writing it down and charting my course.

    Share with me some of things you plan to clear up.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.