Category: Eye Opener

  • Reading the tea leaves of changing relationships

    Reading the tea leaves of changing relationships

    Let’s face it, our relationships with other people constantly go through changes.

    Our lives are an ocean of unknowns and with each passing day, waves of opportunities, triumphs and failures wash over us. Through our relationships we are compelled to weather any storm and find safe harbour as needed. However there are times when the relationships we build are tested by undercurrents of change and strife or just, gravity.

    If the changing tides of relationships are not quite as apparent as you would want, here are some of the signs to look for that may indicate what is afoot or has already happened.

    You may consider these red flags, warning signs or simply clear indicators that your deep suspicion is now true and it’s either over, or has change indelibly.

    Here in no particular order are some possible things to look for.

     

    relationships

    Communication decreases

    This may seem obvious but not in the way you might think. The key differentiator however is a decrease in meaningful and deliberate communication which otherwise would’ve been a normal occurrence. The pandemic has changed the way many of us have chosen to communicate and engage with those in our lives. This may mean that you are a bit more sensitive about who and how you communicate. Therefore, it should become palpable fairly easily when communication has truly changed.

    Invites dry up

    Over time you may also realize that you are no longer granted invitations to activities that once were seemingly a consistent part of your life. Exclusion may seem more drastic and an overt way to signal that ‘you’re not one of us’ but again, it can also be explained away as reasonable. After all, no one is attached by the hips to another person unless they are conjoined and people do have other relationships. Regardless when the invites become few and far between, clinically specific and relegated to certain activities or just don’t happen at all, you can be certain that you’ve turned a page.

    Connecting feels awkward

    When you do connect, after wading through all of the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” you realize that there is an empty awkwardness that exists where easy friendship once resided. Sadly, there are many people who may not know how to give voice to this because, so many of us have been taught not to proactively interrogate the ‘why’ of some of our relationships.

    They have changed

    We have been led to believe that we have the right to ‘outgrow others’ and we do, but sometimes, it may not be us who are doing the growing but the other person. Doesn’t make you a bad person, just means that the currents of your lives are moving in different directions and what used to fit, no longer does, for them at least.

    You have changed

    And sometimes the problem is you. The big blind spot that is our own role in the enrichment or demise of our personal relationships are often understated or simply ignored. Whether you are on a journey of self-discovered/improvement/actualization or destruction, these phases can generate fractures in existing relationships. They may also cause your own needs from or for these relationships to shift. Be real about where you are and how you fit in your relationships.

    relationships

    You finally identify the category

    It is truly freeing when you are in sync with the intentions and motives of those in your life, but there can be those weird moments you are awakened to the category that your relationship with someone else falls.

    These awakenings are often times unspoken but become very clear through actions and supersede everything else shared here. Consider it therefore just a realization, that the ‘category’ that you have placed people in may not be the same as they have, therefore the expectations of reciprocity, are going to be underwhelming and in all likelihood painfully obvious.

    While categories may change, sometimes we live within the illusion of where we were from the get go until of course, time reveals it all.

    Closing thought

    In all of this we must also be clear that not everybody in our lives are meant to fulfil the same roles, all at the same time. In fact these functions can evolve and devolve. So someone who you would’ve probably had as your maid of honour one year could be just a bridesmaid the next. And that is ok! In fact, those two people may never ever be the same person.

    Living is complicated, life can be hard therefore, enjoy the relationships you have, set your boundaries and do what is ultimately best for you. It is up to us to protect ourselves and ensure that we are treated the way we deserve.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

    Kevin

  • Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

    Ok… Let’s try this again – New Year, New Lesson!!!

     

    Lesson learned

    One of the biggest lessons I learned coming out of this past year was the importance of not watering dead plants. I mean this both literally and figuratively, as for a bit, I spent time nurturing plants that simply would not grow (black thumb gardeners can relate).

    But to the point, the lesson symbolizes so many things that I pushed energy into that were not feeding my soul in 2021.

    Namely, there were alleged friendships and connections that simply were not viable, goals that I just didn’t have the heart to go after, thought processes that held me back and comfort zones that were held in place by fear which served no purpose.

    Those Relationships

    Sometimes you mean well when it comes to certain people in your life? And even though they show you time and time again that they do not hold you in equal regard, you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt?

    I have done that, for a while.

    With the toll the pandemic has taken, you get a bit more sensitive to things that make you feel less than and compromised. So if someone is not showing up in your life, it becomes noticeable real quick.

    Funny thing also is that even relationships and connections that have been around for a long time tend to show wear and tear with neglect and unreciprocated care.

    I haven’t beaten myself up about it, it isn’t a failure just an acknowledgement that those connections are not ‘real’ and that we are not in sync.

    And honestly, I am tired.

    Message and lesson received.

    Dem Goals

    There were goals placed on the table well before their time and I held on to a few for longer than I should’ve. Even worse, when I realized they were not going to be realized, I lamented the failing and stressed over it.

    For example, I had set some admirable goals in terms of this blog and even reading, as well as others related to certain areas of my life.

    So many neat things that I could’ve worked on and get done and in the big mix of a year that was filled with other ‘stuff’, they just didn’t happen.

    But delayed doesn’t mean discarded and even in the midst of upheaval that caused shifts in some areas of my life, I still held on to the idea of achieving certain things.

    I just have to know when to say: “Maybe next time!”

    Breaking Chains

    If I thought I was assertive before, this past year taught me that there are levels to standing up for yourself and you will only experience some of these levels when you let go of the fears of propriety and ‘manners’ and just be bold!

    Closed mouths don’t get fed and neither are they able to defend you or vocalize what ails you if you remain silent.

    Developing the gumption to truly say “this is not for me” and letting go of the fear of repercussions has truly changed my outlook and approach to life.

    lesson

    The Truth

    What I have instead come to terms with is something that I recognized about myself as I pondered on 2021.

    I am not a failure.

    In fact I achieved a number of things I had previously only tentatively considered and I executed these things exactly as I hoped. And all it took was looking back at the year and the areas of my life that I gave focus, to realize.

    They were all things that I nurtured and paid attention to, which lets me understand that any goal that I bring to fruition will require my full attention. It will not become reality simply by being on a wishlist.

    The true lesson is, what you nurture is what grows. So moving into 2022, I’m going to be focusing heavily on the wins I actually want to accomplish.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • Are you ever enough?

    Are you ever enough?

    I am fond of the phrase “I am enough.” because it represents a powerful statement of intent and acceptance. That simple phrase lets me know that whatever journey I am on and whatever goals I am working towards, where I stand in THIS moment is right where I need to be and all that I am is enough.

    It’s funny how the world forces us to enrich our souls with these mantras because life has a way of literally picking away at our confidence and belief in self. Just look at it, our salaries and job titles can give us some insight into where we think we are in life. Our possessions apparently should clue us in to our ‘progress’ and our relationships should say something about who we are as people.

    But when is any of that enough or just right? Is it ever perfect?

    I have come to the conclusion that perfect is what you have chosen to live with and also, what may make you happy, in that exact moment. But I’ve also come to realize that perfect, or at least, what any of us may consider perfect is evolving and changes with our perspectives.

    enough

    Reflection

    Recently, while completing appraisals for my team at work, I came upon a very common point of information that I shared with a few people. It is this: the metrics used for the appraisal, are not meant to define who we are, forever and ever. In fact, as most appraisals are a retrospective, look back, metrics only measure who you were over a period of time. Therefore they can change and will continue to change as we learn more and grow.

    It’s always tempting to use the yard sticks provided to us by jobs or resumes or any process that requires us to self-reflect, to determine who we are, in a very definitive way.  When really, all they ever do is check our temperature, in the moment and provide insight into where we are at that point. They do little to determine our future outcome and in reality, they shouldn’t.

    When it Matters

    In my most vulnerable moments I will ask myself  “have I done enough?” and invariably the answer will be a resounding ‘not quite!’.  That pressure is compounded by the weight of other people’s expectations and assumptions of who and where you should be, at a particular time and stage in your life.

    I’m at that juncture where people now have those expectations, but looking back, I realize that it was always that way. We call it different things: ambition, aspiration, dreams, encouragement. But you come to realize that those ambitions don’t seem to end with a singular accomplishment, or new phase of life. Basically, what is considered enough by everyone outside of your self is a moving target and it’s always about what’s next.

    By following this ‘dictate’, sometimes I can’t seem to reside in an accomplishment or new phase, because, even within a moment of exuberance, it’s just never enough. Yet I know now, more than ever the value of enjoying and living within those moments of accomplishments.

    enough

    Slippery Slope

    The temporary and transient nature of satiety, at least, relating to that feeling of what I will call ‘enoughness’ is so fickle. It can last as long as it takes for an order from amazon.com to land on your doorstep and the euphoria you felt discovering it wanes immediately after the unboxing.

    What drives us to acquire is sometimes summing ourselves up and deciding that maybe that one item will make it complete, or better. Maybe after this purchase, I will be enough, even for a short period. Like most drug induced highs, it simply doesn’t last and can never be recaptured, no matter how hard we may try.

    The best we can do therefore is to walk in the knowledge that even if we aren’t quite right, we are exactly what we need to be, right now. And until the perfect equilibrium moment arrives, hold on.

    I’m holding on.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • Digital Declutter: How to cleanup your email inbox for good!

    Digital Declutter: How to cleanup your email inbox for good!

     We are at the start of a new year and it’s as good a time as any to declutter different areas of our lives. For the month of January, I will be sharing a few insights on how we can all refresh our outlooks and spaces. I will begin this process with a digital decluttering exercise for email.

     

    cleanup mail

    Do you dread opening your primary email app because of the amount of unread messages that are there? Have you simply turned off your notifications because you’ve lost control of all the messages that have flooded your inbox and you never got around to checking them?

                                 

    Don’t despair there’s hope and with simple proactive steps you can get your email lives under control. It is overwhelming enough dealing with work emails, so it is understandable if your personal email inbox is a mess.

    I got smart about email management a few years ago when after having my Gmail account for just over 13 years (early adopter) I realized that I was almost out of space. This surprised me for a number of reasons as one of the primary draws for Gmail back in the day was the fact that their storage was almost infinite (jokes).

    email cleanup

    One advantage I’ve had is that every time gmail added a new feature, I did my best to understand what it was, how it worked and how it could impact how I used the service. So if I realized that it worked against my typical email behaviour, I would just ignore it.

    Disclaimer, most of my specific email decluttering tips are applicable to gmail users, which may actually not matter much seeing that when gmail entered the market in 2005, most other providers gradually started to emulate its functionalities and even layout.

    And for those of you who might ask, why not just buy additional email storage space if I run out? Well if you are a power user and that’s something you want to do, go ahead. But as for me and my house, we declutter and use what we have, for free!

     

    Check notifications

    This first tip has nothing to do with your inbox at all and is one of the more proactive steps you can take in dealing with email clutter. When you join any new social network or app, first thing you should do is check the notifications settings. Most services allow you to determine the type and frequency of correspondence they send you.

    For example, Facebook allows you to send push notifications to their app or on the website itself for most things. Otherwise you can choose to only receive emails for specific things relating to your account. This also applies to other platforms like Twitter, so you can basically set it up so that you only receive important emails from these platforms that have to do with your account security and nothing else. This is convenient and prevents some of that unnecessary email clutter to begin with.

     

    Remove Email Categories

    In 2013 google introduced the promotions tab to gmail as part of a set of automatic categories that would organise incoming email into different segments/tabs. It was their attempt to help us all make our email inboxes feel a bit lighter. The automatically generated promotions and social tabs have since become a standard part of any new gmail account created and typically siphons off emails from social networks or subscription emails from mass mailers etc.

    As soon as the feature was introduced I ditched it by going into my inbox settings and removing it. I have done the same for every other gmail account I have created since. See how to remove them here.

    Why?

    Because, if important emails come in and go into these tabs, I’ll probably not take the time to click and sort through them. Secondly, I prefer to see and know what I am getting in my email all in one place. So instead of going through, basically three different inboxes, created with the use of these tabs, I simply check one. A lot less work and a more streamlined way of dealing with message organisation.

    Ditch the tabs!

    Unsubscribe from unwanted emails

    A few years ago I started to receive random emails from companies I never subscribed to. For a while it weirded me out because I honestly thought someone was deliberately adding me to different company email lists (probably). As I painstakingly unsubscribed from every new company welcoming me to their service, I also started to take a closer look at the other subscriptions that I had actually signed up for.

    When it came time to clear space I realized that while these emails may not count for much in terms of storage space, they were still clutter that added up, overtime.

    So I started looking at the pattern of company emails I was receiving to get a better sense of the volume of messages and it was shocking!

    During peak shopping seasons for example, there were companies who would send me up to two emails per day for two weeks straight.

    It was ridiculous, so those subscriptions had to go!

    I started to take an even closer look at email behaviour from companies I wanted to receive emails from and adjusted my subscriptions where possible or unsubscribed completely. Some company emails allow you to select the frequency at which you receive them such as once monthly or every now and then.

    Unsubscribe to your heart’s content and stop some of those incessant and probably unread messages. The reality is, we are constantly changing and sometimes, the need you had for subscribing to some of these services has passed and let’s be real, as much as you would want to, you are not going to go back and read through all those past emails.

    The ‘unsubscribe link’ can usually be found at the bottom of most emails you receive from companies and is a pretty standard feature. In fact, if you are regularly receiving emails from a company that does not contain an unsubscribe link, that should be cause for concern.

    Delete old messages and conversations

    This tip is a follow on to the previous about your subscriptions and also takes it a step further with how to deal with other messages.

    So you have identified emails that you want to unsubscribe from and you have gone ahead and unsubscribed, now is your chance to remove all that old stuff. A quick and easy way to get rid of these messages is to temporarily create a filter. The email filters are a neat way to choose what happens to emails when they come into your inbox and allows you to choose the specific parameters which can be either an email address, a name or specific words and/or phrases.

    Once you choose the identifier and you create the filter you then choose what happens to messages that match the criteria. Gmail provides a number of options (shown below) that you can choose which include, forwarding the messages, labelling it, sending it to categories, or deleting it.

    email cleanup

    See how to create an email filter in gmail here.

    In this case, the option would be to delete the messages. However there is an additional option that allows you to apply the filter to matching conversations that are already within your inbox. In one fell swoop, you will instantly remove years of subscription emails, instead of painstakingly going through and deleting in batches of 100 which is the maximum you would be able to manually select on the gmail desktop using search.

    When you are done, delete the filter then go into your trash and permanently remove the messages.

    An additional pro tip, make this an annual thing by routinely removing these subscription emails at the end of each year.

    Removing other Messages and Conversations

    Now using the process I just outlined you can go ahead and remove entire histories from your email inbox. So emails from those old relationships, friendships or pesky work related items that you may have sent to yourself or had sent to your email, just because? Create filters by name or email, and remove them all!

     email cleanup

    I briefly relived some very painful moments when I went through long past emails and removed entire conversations, but it was the right thing to do.

    It was also surprising the amount of space decade old chain messages took up in my mailbox.

    To get rid of these, create a filter that picks up on emails based on their size that will bring up all messages that contain attachments over a certain size and delete them instantly to free up space.

     

    Delete old sent messages

    Here’s a revelation: We are usually the ones who create the junk that we carry around. The baggage and the waste that we hang on to, was indeed, of our own making. So what can we do?

    Purge!

    Go through your sent messages and remove those emails with attachments that you sent. The sent message search box in gmail is marvelous and allows you to search emails for different periods or one set by you. In addition you can search specifically for emails with attachments and also the type of attachments.

    You would be surprised how many emails with large attachments you have sent that are clogging your inbox right now. Go through it and remove all that junk.

    Setup auto forwards

    Finally, another way to reduce and even prevent unnecessary email is by using filters to forward messages to other email accounts. I have a primary email account but I also have other email accounts that I use. There are times when based on commitments such as clubs or other activities I participate in, there’s need for large quantities of emails to be sent.

    For example, as a Toastmaster I have played various roles which often times require the use of high volumes of emails that are regularly sent. I use my main email for membership purposes but sometimes this address is also shared with local and regional Toastmasters teams.

    Instead of attempting to go through the confusion of notifying all these teams of the new email, I simply create a filter and have all emails coming from the team forwarded to a designated Toastmasters gmail account that I created separately. In addition, I also create a rule to delete all forwarded emails from my main inbox.

    Visit here to see how to automatically forward gmail messages to another account.

    Final word

    I hope this information will assist you in decluttering your email and digital life. Let me know if you find any of this useful!

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • When Life Gives you Limes…

    When Life Gives you Limes…

    By a certain age we all eventually realize that life is a cycle of actions, reactions and consequences. It also becomes crystal clear that there will be moments when we are on top of a mountain, taking in the fresh air and enjoying the fantastic view. Other times, we’re stuck deep inside a ravine, strapped inside the badly damaged SUV we call our lives.

    It isn’t always cute or pain-free but we soldier through because, it’s worth it!

    Thankfully, through these repeated hills and valleys, high and lows, we humans have developed effective and sometimes unhealthy coping mechanisms that help us to deal with trauma and general shocks.

    Corona Time

    The world is collectively going through one of those shocks at this very moment of my writing this piece. COVID-19  is ravaging sections of the world and has caused levels of upheaval in normal, modern life, only seen during the worst natural disasters and in the previous century, during a World War.

    Through it all one of the most consistent elements of the unfolding crisis has been the flow of information from every possible source. From the constant stream of consciousness that is Twitter, to cable news channels, press conferences, and just people generally spreading misinformation and conspiracies via whatsapp (never gets old!).

    I have been particularly intrigued by the dual role authorities have to play in dealing with such a crisis. Sharing pertinent information to citizens of the country while remaining calm, and reassuring everyone that everything will be, ok?

    Crisis Best Practice

    I want to believe that every student of public relations or communications, such as myself have at least come across the seminal case of the Tylenol Poisoning spree of 1982. The unsolved case, which unfolded with the death of 7 people, saw bottles of Tylenol pain killer being laced with cyanide, placed on store shelves and sold to unsuspecting customers. In it’s aftermath, major changes were made to how over-the-counter drugs were packaged, labelled and handled.

    The case became a masterclass in best practice for Public Relations however, due to the immediacy and forthrightness of the response from the leadership of Johnson & Johnson, the parent company of the brand.

    I immediately saw the hallmarks of that case and juxtaposed them with how the current pandemic is being handled.

    Fact is some officials/countries have been doing well and others… not so much. Somewhere in the middle of it all I have been able to see how even these big decisions can be useful to my own life. When it comes to crisis management, dealing with it is no different when you are a country, a large company or a person.

    My insights…

    Be honest … the first time

     

    Your life is a mess, you are in too much debt, your relationship isn’t working out and even worse, you hate your job. One way to deal with these crises is to completely ignore them or choose to be consoled by false facts. Whatever the excuse, if it prevents you from reaching the correct conclusion about your life and circumstance, it won’t help you.

    The moment you start telling the truth about your crises to yourself (and probably your therapist) you will be closer to your breakthrough. The resolution to every major crisis begins with openness and honesty, the first time. Everything else is a non-starter. It’s also important to ensure that your stakeholder(s) are  aware of the crisis. Those closest to you, who you consider dearer than just family may be those important parts of your support system who will be there for you during that crisis. Their support and confidence can be lifesaving.

    Know the problem

     

    Struggles come in all shapes and sizes, it helps if you can identify the one that is affecting your life so that you can address it with urgency. At the level of a large organisation, it will be necessary to ascertain what the crisis is, its root cause and gather as much details as possible about its depth and ramifications. Only by fully understanding the issue, can you be able to even begin to address it.

     Think Solutions

     

    If you’re focusing on the solutions, then maybe, just maybe, you will have less attention to spare for the crisis at hand. Attention a.k.a. ‘worry’ saps your energy and is not useful. Being solution-oriented during a crisis is pivotal, especially as it helps to refocus your energies towards identifying a positive outcome.  Finding a solution to the main problem, putting it into action and arriving at a resolution in the quickest possible time can be the difference between a short term hiccup and long term, permanent damage to reputation and bottom line.

    Chaos is a Ladder

     

    It may seem rather Machiavellian, but consider this – there are people living through this troubled time in history and even now, they are finding opportunities that will serve their lives well, when it is over. In fact it was Machiavelli who said “Never waste the opportunity offered by a good crisis.”

    As scary as the crisis and emergency may be, steal yourself a moment to consider and identify new avenues for exploration. It could be directly related to the problem at hand, or another solution that emerges. At the more granular and personal level, there are  things we ignore in the normal cut and thrust of life, that we should pay more attention to, during a crisis. For example, it was during the Great Plague of London between 1665 and 1666 that Sir Isaac Newton was able to produce the foundation of some of his greatest work.

     Lessons Learned

     

    Finally, know that the reckoning for every crisis will come and during that period it will be necessary to consider the lessons learned. One of the greatest failures we make from crises of all kind is to ignore the important lessons. Noting things that went wrong and how these could’ve been prevented, helps greatly. The old adage about learning from mistakes in order to not repeat them is true. Note them, write them down, record them and take corrective actions for the future. This is the only fool proof way of moving on from a crisis for the better, otherwise it would have all been for naught. The world will learn a lot from the current global crisis and the changes to come will likely alter the course of human existence for a long time.

    We are currently in crisis mode but that will end, eventually and if we’re lucky enough to make it out un-phased we will have stories to tell and lessons to learn. In the meantime, make that lemonade and have your fill.

    crisis

    Let me know in the comments how you handle crises.
    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • Moving out and Up

    Moving out and Up

    Just over a year ago I made a big step and finally moved out of my childhood home. I alluded to that change here but only now have I been able to fully digest how significant the move was.

    It is one of the best things I have ever done and continues to teach me new things about myself that living ‘at home’ could never.

    The simple act of moving out also caused seismic shifts in my life in other ways because it dramatically changed the way certain people related to me, some for the better and others for worse.

    Love Matters

    Probably the biggest benefit I have experienced so far, has been a renewal of my relationship with my Mom. Living away from her, has made me more aware of her mortality, in a way that I wasn’t before.

    I used to see my mother everyday while I was still at home but in reality, we rarely spoke, because I made it a point of duty to reside in my own little world, consumed by my own interests.

    Now, everything is different because, when I realized that I won’t be seeing her everyday it became urgent that I at least speak with her as often as I could. No week goes by that I don’t see her and even more than before, we have built-in time that we spend going out and doing things together. That, I can treasure because the degree of separation let me know that valuing her now is more important than ever.

    Designing Reality

    Who knew that designing your own space could be so exciting? Over the past year, I’ve been able to curate a collection of items that match my own taste, temperament and comfort level. Just having that level of control has been a joy in itself and it is true what they say, about pushing your own key.

    Adulting’ is even more profound now, when I realize that I am truly responsible for taking care of myself. The ability to do it well is a privilege and responsibility I cherish. Even in the midst of acquiring, I’m also learning to be minimalist, removing clutter and focusing on the things that matter most.

    Make Space

    So now that I’m on my own, I have to be mindful of the temptation to just chill and enjoy my own company all the time. I have to push myself to carve out time and activities that take me beyond the four walls of my abode. For some reason, it’s kinda difficult. I’m never lonely, so I really have to drum up the urge to get up and out of my space and do things. I’m getting a better grip of this, but for a while, I felt almost like a hermit. I joked with a friend, when I initially moved that I was nesting, but having nested I’m now more comfortable planning activities and just taking on the road with my friends. Stepping out of my literal comfort zone is as much for entertainment as it is for survival and when I don’t want to step out, I host.

    In My Zone

    The one thing you become acutely aware of when you live alone is yourself. It’s inevitable, because you will be spending a good amount of time on your own. If I was never comfortable really being alone before, then spending the past year living solo has fully converted me. The most invaluable insight though has been an appreciation of not just my own company but coming to terms with the fact that at the end of the day you are responsible for yourself. Surviving and thriving is up to you as an adult, and while there are those who love and support you, it’s your responsibility. Recognising and coming to terms with my own independence has been empowering and continues to push me forward.

    I’m happy that I had good practice taking care of myself otherwise this would’ve been a much longer post.

    How are you making the most of your ‘alone ‘time? Let me know in the comments.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Kevin

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • How a one month break from Instagram shifted my focus

    How a one month break from Instagram shifted my focus

    I have been adrift.

    Somewhat overwhelmed by work, some aspects of life and just the cut and thrust of existing.

    There’s a fix however, that most of us have access to, if we are full time employed: Vacation days! So I decided to take some.

    Even before my vacation time had come, I made a decision quite early that I would temporarily deactivate my Instagram account.

    In my last blog post I mentioned how much of a time suck it is for me. I ended up deactivating a week before going on vacation and the expected FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) never materialized. I ended up remaining off instagram for a little over 4 weeks.

    For the Love

    It’s sometimes hard for me to adequately convey how I feel about the platform. What I know for sure, is that it can devour my time, and some content can be triggering. It doesn’t help that my work revolves around social media, so I usually have need to use the platform more often than not.

    Just to be clear, I LOVE social media.

    It’s through social media that I have been able to make meaningful and lasting connections with people who, with my otherwise introverted self, I would not have had access to. Additionally, it satisfies my insatiable need for information and with a carefully curated list of sources, I’m pretty content with what I am able to access and digest.

    There is however another side to social media that I find tiring – the performance of it all!

    Tiring as opposed to problematic, because I don’t believe that taking and sharing a picture to tell a story about something exciting happening in my life is a problem. I do find tiring, this seeming innate and pathological need to convince the world that ‘I AM OK’.

    Now this is me, I’m not even sure this is what other people feel, but I got to this point where I felt like every post needed to be a visual representation of the fact that, I’m alive, I’m thriving and having the best time of my life. That shit gets tired.

    This is not on Instagram, it’s on me.

    The smiles are never forced, and for the most part I have more good days than bad, but I started questioning this ‘obligation’ to let the world know what and when those were.

    Making it Real

    Over the past couple of years, I’ve actually started to be much more deliberate about what I decide to post on social media, and what aspects of my life I share. But unlike ‘influencers’ and Instagram famous people, who curate their timelines for aesthetics, I simply wanted to keep some things sacred.

    So in a way, I’ve flipped it. Things that I used to feel that I needed to share to allow others to know what’s going on in my life, I feel a bit more protective of, now.

    I threw off what felt almost like a chore and chose to just live and enjoy moments.

    This article written by New York Times tech columnist, Kevin Roose, brought me some eye opening perspective on phone use and how disruptive it can be if left unchecked.

    He untethered from his phone for 30 days, which allowed him to pick up new hobbies, and resulted in him reducing the amount of time he spent using his device.

    My own experience, though much less intense, allowed me to make some important observations. The most revealing, was just how little I know about the lives of my friends and former close acquaintances, even though we are connected via social media.

    Connect (ed)

    Sadly, the invasiveness of social media fools us into believing that we are plugged into the lives of our loved ones… So we know that our friend from high school is getting married, having a baby and just got a promotion.

    But social media is just a balcony with a view.

    In fact I’ll go further and say, social media access to the lives of our friends is merely a pair of binoculars. You can see everything in detail, from miles away, but you’re not really there, involved and participating.

    Being a spectator in the lives of our friends, through social media, is not the same as being involved. I came to this realization, when I didn’t have the same access to some people’s lives, without IG. It became clear, that while we are connected we aren’t truly connecting.

    Just because I have a friend on social media, it doesn’t mean that we are even having regular conversations.

    There are people I have known, who passed away and the last memory I have of connecting with them, was a photo they posted, that I liked.

    Not a call, not an in-person meet up, not even a conversation, just an ephemeral interaction on social media.

    I had to ask myself – “Was that meaningful enough?”

    It isn’t.

    Spark Joy

    Some of us (myself included) may take for granted the people in our lives because, we have virtual access to them on social media but what you see is not always the real deal.

    Because we all have that need to convince the world that we’re doing ok, based on what we post on our social media, it’s not good enough to just keep track.

    I now pursue more meaningful connections with my friends and some other acquaintances, off social media and work to be more present, in general.

    I’m also happy to report that taking a little time away from Instagram had another interesting side effect. I use the platform way less than before, now that I have returned.

    Previously, I depended on the in-app timer to alert me when I reached my 1 hour usage limit for the day. Now, I’m not even being alerted because I spend so few minutes of my day browsing.

    I feel a bit more conscious of the presence of my loved ones and I can truly treasure their presence. Even better, I’m more interested in their lives. This is what being social is truly about for me.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Kevin

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • Things to consider when buying and selling a car in Jamaica (Part 2)

    Things to consider when buying and selling a car in Jamaica (Part 2)

    The Journey continues

    In my previous post I led you through the forest that is prepping and getting your motor vehicle sold. I still have more to share on that score as the process can be complicated if you are not sure about the steps to take when actually making the transition.

    For one thing, educating yourself about the process is key, especially as it relates to the requirements for transferring the vehicle as well as how you decide to free the vehicle from your lender (if necessary).

    The first thing I was reminded of was the fact that there was a lien on my car because of the car loan I had on the vehicle. I still owed money on the vehicle from my lender, so that needed to be cleared BEFORE the car could be transferred.

    Now let me explain an important, non-negotiable aspect of the buyer-seller relationship (which I learned in hindsight). Once you have identified a buyer, it is highly recommended that they pay you a deposit. In fact, if the buyer is really serious they will be willing to pay a deposit, and if not unfeasible, enough to cover the cost of the lien on the vehicle.

    This helps in two ways, namely it ensures that you are not wasting your time, making a commitment to someone who does not intend to purchase your vehicle and also saves time by clearing the lien from your lender (in case this applies). Many persons choose to sell their vehicle after they’ve completed paying off the loan, so the lien requirement may not be an issue, nevertheless the deposit remains important.

    Clear the Way

    Once the lien is paid off from your lender, you will receive paperwork, which includes the motor vehicle certificate of title, to take to both the insurance company as well as the tax office.

    Clear the lien with the insurance company and you’ll be good to go to the tax office where you will need to take the document showing that you have cleared the lien, the vehicle title and registration documents.

    The motor vehicle transfer process is pretty simple. The seller will need to get the title stamped at the tax office before handover to the buyer. The traditional story about this process is that both buyer and seller visit the tax office at the same time. This is not necessary as the seller can begin the transfer process alone and simply hand over the documents to the buyer.

    Once the title is stamped and handed over to the buyer, they are now free to start the process of registering the motor vehicle in their name and get their own registration plates and return the ones you own. Some insurance companies also require the certificate of fitness before providing insurance coverage.

    motor

    Close the Deal

    Before even getting to this stage, handing over copies of vehicle registration information to the buyer will be necessary, specifically if they need to acquire a loan to complete the transaction.

    As the seller you will need to provide a pro-forma invoice and if the vehicle is imported, import and sale documents.

    Once the buyer has possession of the vehicle, it’s time for you to cancel your own insurance to close out the deal. Transaction now complete you can now move on with your life, until of course, it’s time to do it again.

    I found that the process is made easier if both parties are fully educated about the process. Both buyer and seller must be empowered and proactive in this regard in order to prevent unnecessary headaches.

    So, did I miss anything?

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Kevin

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • Things to consider when buying and selling a car in Jamaica (Part 1)

    Things to consider when buying and selling a car in Jamaica (Part 1)

    The Beginning

    I recently completed what I consider one of the second most testing processes I have ever had to endure: selling my car in Jamaica. Other people may have had varying experiences with this and I acknowledge those. For a number of reasons the process was tedious, testing and downright annoying. What didn’t make the process easier was the lack of valuable information that could clarify the whole process for the novice seller or buyer.

    Tax Administration Jamaica  has made a valiant attempt to provide some basic information on the steps necessary when completing a motor vehicle transaction, but in my opinion, it is lacking. What’s even more confusing is the fact that depending on the person you speak with when you call tax admin, you may receive contradictory information about the process.

    So, where does it all begin?

    Let’s talk a bit about my process when selling.

    I bought my first car, 4 years ago, in what at the time appeared to be a very smooth and straight forward process. I, the needy pedestrian wanted to purchase a car that was dependable, inexpensive and a good buy. After visiting a few car marts and doing research online, I found MY car and started the process.

    Fast forward to four years later and I was now ready to sell it and also come face to face with the fact that I do not consider myself a salesman. Nope, that’s not me, however the key thing I believe I had going for me was – a good car that was well maintained and would be a great buy for anyone who really wanted it.

    Value it!

    The first thing I did when I finally decided that my car needed to go was to give it a final servicing (as scheduled) and get any external body repairs done. In my case that meant a bit of spraying to cover some scratches and dents here and there.

    One of the most important things I did came next. I decided to get my car valued by a certified valuation company. I chose this one because they seemed legit and were pretty accessible.

    A valuation is important when selling a car because it gives you a justifiable basis for your pricing and I say justifiable because, you will get tested by people who approach you about your vehicle and want you to basically give it to them, at a loss. You will get two prices: the estimated value of the car and the forced sale value.

    Armed with my valuation I now had a red line, meaning the force sale value was the amount I refused to go below in terms of my final sale price.

    Once the car was valued I decided on where I was going to advertise and immediately, I chose online platforms, because based on my own experience, that’s the first place I looked for cars, when I started shopping. I also did a few print placements to let the world know about my car. I was quite confident and gave it a nice firm offer price, with price negotiable in bold letters.

    The Response

    Two things happened after my initial ad went public – calls trickled in with expressions of interest and I started getting sales calls from guys purportedly based in Japan who were trying to sell me cars, directly shipped from there.

    What I noticed immediately about people who link you to buy your car is that not all expressions of interest are truly ‘interest’. Some people just want to call to ask you random questions about your car, or the more famous question – where is it located?

    Be warned, ignore anyone who links you wanting to “purchase a car for their wife but due to work they can only meet at night to look at it.”  Absolutely NOT, and yes that did happen and the person in question had the audacity to follow up asking – “if I’m ever available.”

    I made a point not to get attached to potential buyers and unless there was some kind of agreement, I refused to follow up.

    Anyway, after about 7 weeks on the market, I finally found a buyer for my car, who gave me the price I believe, was in line with my expectations. This was after being sassed by people I don’t know who told me they were able to get better prices from other folks, or who wanted me to shave $100k off the value, just because they called and expressed an interest. STAND YOUR GROUND.

    In part 2 I’ll tell you more about the process and  some of the more challenging aspects.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Kevin

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.

  • Letting Go of the Need to Know

    Letting Go of the Need to Know

    It has taken me a long time to learn an important lesson about life and relationships. It is the fact that I do not need to understand or ‘figure out’ why people treat me a certain way.

    I know there’s a popular saying that goes “it’s none of my business what other people think of me,” but I’ve come to realize the value in getting rid of not just the need to know, but the why behind it all.

    There is so much to gain from not having the need to know why people treat you a certain way, especially when it is negative.

    For example, I remember a time when a relationship I was in ended. I was in a lot of pain as I attempted to process everything about the situation. More stressful however, were my attempts to try and figure out why the other person did what they did to hurt me and how they felt about me.

    I became a slave to my ‘need’ for this knowledge, holding it like a warm coal to keep me going, or so I thought. But what I was really doing was placing a burden on myself by trying to discover something that could neither help me nor change what had already happened.

    Can you imagine thinking that knowing why someone ‘broke your heart’ would free you? Yes, it took me a minute.

    Another instance was when a long time ‘friend’ slowly drifted away. They stopped communicating with me, acted like I was the one who made the 180 degree move and went silent, when all I did was follow their lead.

    For years I racked my brain trying figure out what changed? What did I do? What expectation did I not live up to?

    I was hurt.

    It gets Better

    In both situations I was at the mercy of this supposed obligation on my part. Trying to figure out people’s motivation, like a private eye and lawyers piecing together a murder mystery to ascertain motive. But all that was burdensome and simply made me sad.

    So over time I realized that it was fruitless and counterproductive.

    Knowing would not help me anyway and was needlessly tying me to people who really couldn’t care less about me.

    The decision therefore was for me to let go and free myself from this need.

     

     

    Almost instantly I realized the freedom there was, in not having to know why a person treated me a certain way.

    After having a quiet conversation with my ego I also acknowledged that rejection in any form is painful, but it’s also complete, no follow up answer necessary.

    I didn’t need an explanation of the other person’s ‘why’ to move on with my life. In fact, the sooner I let go of that notion, the quicker my freedom will come. Sure, the questions may linger at the back of my mind, but I refuse to be burdened by the need to know.

    Many of us fall into the trap when mourning relationships of trying to figure out the ‘why’ of it all – “why did this person choose to push me aside why does this person treat me a certain way?”

    But this gets us nowhere because it doesn’t change the reality of the rejection and it doesn’t free us from the memory of that hurt. So then what?

    It’s simply not wise to belabour the point.

     Much Better

    The other side of this coin has made my life so much more glorious!

    Listen, when people choose to walk away, I don’t even ask two times why and I refuse to worry about it.

    I’m good. Do you boo!

    If excommunicating me from your life is a positive life decision for you, I don’t need to be told twice. *peace*

    In the same vein, if people treat me a certain way, I am not trying to be their therapist. If it is too much for me to handle, then I’ll handle accordingly. Life’s too short trying to always question why people make certain uncomfortable decisions.

    I recognised just how powerful this stance is when I had to caution my closest friend on many occasions. She was always trying to figure out the thinking behind her tormentor’s motivations.

    “How could they think and behave the way they do?”

    I was always there to reminder her: “That’s not your concern and should not get in the way of your healing and progress, so keep it moving.”

    This was not her battle nor was it beneficial to her, attempting to know that. We live, we learn.

    Be inspired, Be informed, Be Glorious!

    Kevin

    Subscribe to the blog here  and share your content suggestions here.